Backroom Conversations

Last night was an excellent work shift. There was still no room in the back but at least there was only one good sized truck (a fifteen-hundred). There were five us on crew today. I’ll throw out names so pay attention. We’ve got Sue, a tom-boy of a woman who comes off as bossy. There’s Ms. Sally a nice elderly woman who mainly sticks to taking care of the processing (ripping open clothing boxes and hanging the clothes on racks.) Then there’s Jamie, our resident atheist and cynic with sense of humor. We get along, yet we don’t get along. It’s weird. Then there is Tammy who is probably the most fun person to work with. She’s loud, opinionated, sarcastic, energetic, and has a broad sense of humor. Then lastly, there’s me. Since we had a relatively easy truck and a decent crew considering, we were joined by only one ICS member.

Remember Nate? Yeah, I had him working with me at the end of the line. Without some of the more homophobic members there, he really let himself go. I had a lot of fun with the sexual innuendo and banter. I’m pretty sure that he’s got me figured out. I just gave him too much for him not to. Even though he was only with us for about an hour and a half, his presence was felt until we left at midnight.

I nearly choked on my water when Ms. Sally figured it out. In the quietest whisper ever, “Is he… gay?”

When we were on break, Ms. Sally told us that Nate had come up to her. “He came up to me and said, ‘You know, I don’t think David belongs back here. He’s awful quiet when he’s around me.’”

I don’t know how he came up with that. He was the person I talked to the most that night!

So everyone starts teasing me about my new “friend.”

“Hey,” I said, “At least I’m attractive to someone.” What? I’m not taking any offense to their teasing. I sort of like the idea.

The last two hours of our shift overlaps with the overnight crew. I told one of them, Lauren, to beat up Tammy.

“Why?”

[pouty lips] “Because she’s teasing me.”

Tammy comes up and tells her about me and “my man.”

Lauren used to work with Nate, and I over a K-mart so she knows both of us. “Oh, I don’t remember seeing you two together [at K-mart.]”

Still trying to get some kicks out of this, I said, “That’s because we were discreet.”

“Well, now I’m not going to kick Tammy’s butt. You’re just putting gasoline on the fire.”

“Light me up, baby, and you’ll see some flames.”

Wicked

As I was driving back from my internship, I was listening to Roe Conn on WLS. Apparently today is Wicked Wednesday. WLS is doing a promotion for the Broadway musical Wicked which is playing at Chicago's Ford Center for the Performing Arts. Ever since I heard a clip of "Popular," I've wanted to go see it. Wicked is the prequel to The Wizard of Oz and centers on the story of The Wicked Witch of the West and her friend Glinda, The [Good] Witch of the North.

The only musical that I have seen is The Phantom of the Opera when it came to MSU's Wharton Center. I enjoyed it immensely. But now, as then, I can't find anyone who wants to go see Wicked with me. What is it with my friends and their aversion to the arts? Okay, granted going to Chicago just to see a musical does seem to be a bit much but it would be worth it. (Well for me, at least.) I won't even bother asking my parents. First, my Dad probably started praying for my soul when I asked them if they wanted to come up to MSU to see The Phantom of the Opera. Second, they both would rather stick needles through their eyes before going into a large city. (Hey, we live in a village that has one blinking yellow light for a traffic signal.)

I went to The Phantom of the Opera alone. Would I have the balls to go see Wicked alone? Maybe not, but it's nice to think about it.

UPDATE:
I think I have snagged Season into going. Whoo hoo! However, it depends on whether she will be going down to Florida for Thanksgiving. She's not going to see family... so I don't see anything wrong with hoping that those plans get derailed. Do you?

I Can Do It

Currently, I am doing an internship with an area agency on aging. For the past two weeks I've been working on a presentation/project focusing on elderly neglect. Admittedly, I've been procrastinating but I decided to suck it up and go to the city library and work on it. This project has made me appreciate my time at State. When I was there, I could do research easily. Since I left, I don't have easy access to JSTOR or LexisNexis. Plus I had high speed internet for my laptop. I can't get that at the city library.

Anyways, getting back to the real subject of the post. While I was there going through various journals and news reports, I spotted a guy coming in with his son. This guy looked like he was younger than me yet his kid was at least four or five years old. I'd say that this guy probably had this kid when he was in high school or just out of it. I saw them sit down in the middle of the rotunda. Kid had a stack of coloring books. Guy had a stack of SAT and ACT* books. I was tempted to go over to him and offer a bit of advice: Don't bother with the SAT's. It's just a waste of time, effort, and money to take that test. Although the SAT's are pretty much the national test, ACT's are more popular here in the Midwest. If this guy is going to college here in Michigan or in any of the neighboring states, then just taking the ACT's is sufficient. Personally, I think the ACT is a better test anyways. So as I watched him open his books and start studying, I couldn't help but be inspired. This guy was still trudging forward and bettering himself. He was going to college. He was going to make a better life for him and his family. I silently wished him well as I went back to my own studies.

It got me thinking though as to where I am in life and that I should be moving forward too. Right now, I'm working at a retail store unloading trucks. I am so overqualified that it's not funny. I have a BA in Political Science. I should have a real job by now. Something that pays more than $7.10/hour. Granted I have my internship that is giving me some valuable work experience but I still want more. There are two things on my mind. Going back for a BA in Criminal Justice or going to law school. I want to go to law school.

Law school is where I want to go and I've got to make it happen. I just need to put in as much effort as that guy who was sitting a few tables away from me. So here's where I am at. I've got a low paying job (meaning no money.) No LSAT** score to speak of. A college GPA of 3.0 and no professor recommendations. How do I overcome those and get accepted into law school where I am not even sure that I can hack it?

Well, I've already started to tackle the LSAT. I've bought some materials and tests. Now I just got to go through them and study. It's a good thing I saved my West Law book on Constitutional Law as well. Right now, I'm planning to take the summer test. I may go for the spring one but I think it might be a waste of money. Hopefully, by the time I apply, my work experience will make up for my GPA and lack of professor recommendations. Now finding that $90,000 for should be fun.

I'm thinking that I would like to do something with wills and trusts.

*For those international readers (or those who just don't know), SAT and ACT are the name of tests that are pretty much college entrance exams. Taking these tests yields a score that college entrance boards look at.

**LSAT: Law School Admissions Test.

picture: Michigan State University College of Law building.

Two Things...

First... read this post. Something about Nate has been bugging me for the last few days and I finally put my finger on him... er... it. After talking to him (oh yeah, I made sure that he was working with me at the end of my line), I realized that he 1.) looked very familiar, 2.) sounded very familiar, and 3.)already had a familiar name (Nate).

"Hey, I was wondering, did you work at K-mart before? Around 2000 or so?"

Nate at this point, gets kind of bug eyed as he realizes that I know more about him than he does me. "Uh, yeah around then."

Holy crap! This Nate is the same Nate that I used to work with at K-mart. Damn has he changed... and I must say for the better. Okay, so he gained a little weight and based on what I remember, got a little shorter. But that's okay because he was a stick the last time I recall and he looks good with a bit of meat. He's also cut his hair short and shaven down to a goatee. In addition he is not as annoying as I used to remember him being. To me, this is like a complete make over and I am so liking the more mature him.


Second, I may be hitting the gay bar for the first time ever. I'm trying to work it out so that at least Season, Erin and I can go out together. We are still planning to go for a drag show to break me in. Ideally, we all would head to Grand Rapids where Amanda and Karl (Yeah, I misspelled his name in this previous post) go to university. I would like Sara to go along. She was the first person I told, after all, but she and I can't seem to get past some stupid crap. I definitely want to be with the people who have supported me and include them on this. I'm getting so excited!

Where do I go now?

Season told me today, “Don’t piss off your sister.” Thanks Season for just adding to my paranoia.

My uncertainty with coming out to my sister is taking its toll. It probably shows more in my other blog where I haven’t really posted anything about my personal life in a few days. My worries about my sister and what I told her have taken me over. I can’t vent them on the other blog because family and friends are aware of that blog.

Actually, I have been giving thought to linking to my other blog from this one. If you read the introduction, you can see that it was my intent all along to use this blog until such time that I can finally come out on my original blog. The last entry on this blog will be a link to my home blog where everything—sans gay part—is kept. I guess the only thing that really is keeping me from closing up shop here is… well… family.

My sister, right now, is the only one that knows in my family. And although my parents know about my blog, they have never visited it. The only one that’s left is my cousin, Jason. So when it comes down to it, he’s the only obstacle that’s keeping all of you from getting a more complete picture of me. Do I tell him? I have no problem with him knowing, it’s just that I don’t trust (?) him to keep his mouth shut.

For right now, I’m keeping this blog. It’s on track for what is was really intended, a place where I can write about this side of me until the time comes when my parents find out. Then, I couldn’t give a damn about who knows that I’m gay. Oh—which reminds me, thanks for viewing this blog and thanks coupled with hugs for those of you who commented. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to have people reading this.

One family member down...

My sister knows now.

I wish I could have ended that sentence with an exclamation mark but it somehow wouldn’t have been right. The whole thing was anticlimactic. I went to her university. We strolled over towards the library grounds where we sat down somewhere quiet. I had a copy of the journal with me and handed it over to her in a white envelope with the number 26 written on it. But before I had her open it, I had to hell her that I was gay to her face. I didn’t want her to read it from a piece of paper. Nothing registered on her face.

“You are?” was all I got. But a few seconds latter she said, “When did…” I cut her off. I knew what she was going to ask.

“It’s all in that," I said, pointing to the journal.

She opened it and proceeded to read all 13 pages. I told her to take her time and she did. It had to be one of the longest waits I ever had to endure. Many times I was tempted to rush her or ask a question or explain something to her but I let her finish. As she read, I looked to see her facial expressions. Nothing. What was she thinking?!

When she was done she looked at me and raised her eyebrows. I tried to break the tension that I was feeling by saying, “Well, let’s go eat.” (Hey, it was past seven and I was hungry… or I was so nervous my stomach was churning.) As we walked back to the car, I asked her if she had any questions.

“No.” she said.

“No?”

“No. You pretty much answered everything in [the journal.]”

I was floored. I expected more than what I got. Questions. A sigh of disapproval. A hug. A slap. An, “I love you.” SOMETHING. Instead we continued on our way to Applebee’s. Along the way, I tried to steer the conversation back but every time we went back to something else. Towards the end of the evening, I was getting so irritated that I pushed my own boundaries by admitting to watching Desperate Housewives because I like Doug Savant and Jamie Denton. I hoped to provoke a response out of her. Nada.

To her credit, she did give me a hug when I left. I’ll remember her words that she had said earlier. “I accept it.”

“Accept” is so neutral which is what the whole night felt like. Still, I suppose it’s better than knowing that she disapproves.

I talked to Season about it yesterday. She said that my sister was in shock and that she’ll have tons of questions latter. I should have an interesting Thanksgiving coming up then.

Hold your breath...

...or not.

I just sent an email to my sister. I'm going to give it another shot if she can meet me this evening (OMG, I realize that today I just may come out to my sister). I'm expecting her to call me later in the day to let me know. Then I will be driving to her school with a copy of the journal (which all of you conviently have access to!). Please, please, pray for me. I need this to go okay.

I hope to bring you the good news soon enough.

See this relevant post.

The Day I LOVE MY JOB

There is a lack of eye candy at the place that I work. Would it be surprising to know that the majority of the back room workers where I am stationed at is women? I guess this retail store really doesn't sexually discriminate. In fact, it actually looks like some affirmative action is taking place. Anyways, there's only two other guys that I work with. One is in his thirties an a big womanizer. The other is a big guy with a girlfriend who seems to have a distant relation to ...oh... let's say Atilla the Hun. The whole work situation is probably best. I don't need to be distracted and hurt myself. Last night, however, was a different story.

Since we have a low staff, we are being helped out by our inventory workers (called ICS). ICS got a new worker (I'll call him Nate in the future) a couple days ago and last night was the first night I worked with him. He's showing off as a substantial blip on my gaydar scope. But, seeing how my system has been way off before, I will try to control my excitement (ahem.) I didn't get to talk with him that much but he seems to be a down to earth kind of guy and I would bet that he's not into the superficial aspects of what is stereotypically thought of as gay life. I just might have to pray for more shipments if it means he'll be working the line with me.

Unfortunately, Nate couldn't stay long as he had other duties to perform. But in his place came oh-what-the-hell-he's-still-hot Andrew. He was a lot more bearable that day. And although he could have been a lot more help, he was pulled away by a Manager S___ to do some asinine project. Wanna know what it is? He had to dust a box bailer. If only I could have beat that manager with a bat!

Still, I think I left that night feeling rather good.

National Coming Out Day

Uh, I just read on two other blogs that today is National Coming Out Day. Wow. I totally missed that which is kinda of weird considering it does have some significant meaning for me. I'm not saying that I would have completely come out to my parents (and thus the world) but it may have been nice to think about it further. The other day, I came extremely close to telling my friend Adam. My sister is also on the short list for those who need to know. In fact, she would have been told a little while ago but the situation was not at all ideal. Soon. Soon.

As I have mentioned on another blog, I can feel the pressure from other gays who are out of the closet to budge me out of mine. On a message board that I recently looked at, an anonymous person said that they really could not stand closeted people. It's kind of difficult when you get the impression that the queer community is standing out there impatiently tapping their foot when you wish they were waiting with open arms.

A subset wedding story

<<--See also: First Step.

The wedding was an absolute blast. As promised, here is a picture:
This is me, Erin; Mandi and her date, Carl. The reason I thought that this was hilarious was that two sisters ended up bringing two gay guys as dates. I'm telling you, I got the dirtiest look from Erin when I told her that I would be taking this picture just for that reason. And as Carl said that night, we were there to make them look good! When Erin told me that Carl was coming, she pretty much told me that he wasn't my type. Yeah, she was pretty spot on. Although, he is a pretty cool guy and I would have to say that I was fortunate to spend most of my evening with him rather than some stuffy boring guy--which would have been like me probably :P

I never told him I was gay, which is fine because he never told me that he was either. I'm sure that he thought that he was obvious from the get-go. After all, only minutes after meeting him, he told me that he didn't want to be a drag queen in the context that he was making fun of them--drag queens that is. I don't know if he ever got the feeling that I was gay as well or if he knew.

During one of the dances, I was paired with Erin and Carl was paired up with Mandie. Erin called out "Switch partners!" I swear to God my heart skipped a beat. I was about to panic. Luckily, Erin went to Carl and Mandie went to me.

"Whoo!" I said to Amanda, "I thought that she meant that I was going to dance with Carl."

Of course, at that she got the wicked idea. "Switch!"

For a moment there both Carl and I just stood there like we didn't know what to do. Mercifully the song came to an end just seconds before we would have to commit or abort.

Later that night, after being a tired and a little tipsy, I decided to pretty much drop the straight approach once we were in our hotel room. Again I never said I was gay but I said enough for both Mandie and Carl to get the idea.

First was the wonder-underwear comment. Carl said that he had his hoochy underwear on. He liked them because they showed off his man-hood better. I then told them about these wonder-bra like things only for men's underwear. They are padded so that it looks like you've got a bigger package than you really got.

"That would just be a disappointment." Said Carl.

"Well, the point is to have the guys looking at you." I said.

"...Or women." Added Erin.

"Yeah... them too."

Second was the "tent girl" story. This is where a rumor of Erin got started amongst my fellow high school classmates that she and I had a romping time at the after-prom party in my tent.

"Well, you know, you did wonders for me. People no longer suspected that I was gay. ... They still do [think I'm straight]"

I'll have to ask if the two of them got it.

Trans Generation

I was watching The Soup with my Dad the other night after I woke up from my nap (which was needed because of all that partying beforehand-- see next post or post above.) There is a segment which deals with reality shows. Well this one joke was made at the expense of a show called Trans Generation. Don't ask me what channel it is on because I never heard of it. It's proabably on Logo or something. Anyways, the show apparently shows the lives of transgendered people in college. In this particular scene, a transgendered FtM was showing his fake penis that he stuffs his underwear with to the group. The joke basically was: Ewww, that's distrubing. But thing of it was that I actually know that guy! The guy that was holding it was T.J. Jourian from my university. The look on the face of my dad when I told him was that of worry. I'm sure he was worried over the fact that I knew a transgendered student.

A quick google search turned up this. Scroll down.

Add a little confusion

Over the last two or so weeks, my friend Adam as well as co-workers Steve and Dan have been trying to hook me up with Kaycee. It started when they were teasing me when the saw me taking a few minutes to talk with her. They think that we would make a good couple. Of course, I know that's not going to happen. I told them that if Kaycee and I got together, they could have all the money in my savings account (about $1,000). Adam, however, just wants to see me with a girlfriend. He has been the one to make the effort to actually hook her and me up.

Earlier in my coming out process, I clung to my belief that I was bisexual. My love for Sara and Erin were enough to convince me that there was some hope that I would have a "normal" life. I could still have that wife, kids, and house. As time has gone on, I am still wrestling with the idea. After all, I heard the phrase, "You're either gay, straight or lying." In addition there was an article that came out not to long ago that said females are naturally bisexual but men are either gay or straight. I've told Erin and Sara that I'm probably 60-40 in favor of men. But I've pretty much come to the conclusion that my future contains a man rather than a woman. Kaycee tests that.

I would like to date Kaycee. She is absolutely beautiful. Her red hair and fair skin and the way she carries herself remind me of some kind of Celtic goddess. The fact that she can talk about "geeky" stuff like Superman, and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. She works in electronics. She also has this low key sense of humor which I am more in tune with. And I actually do flirt with her which has been noticed by others (which causes the teasing.)

Last night, she had a swing shift. Normally, we don't have breaks that coincide with each other so I only get to talk to her when I'm out on the floor. This time, I came in a little early before my shift while she was having lunch. Out of all the places to sit, she came and sat by me. I was getting worried. Did Adam have that talk with her? Was she scoping me out? We got to talking. Drinking, Mardi Gras, her plans for university and more. I was so into it, that I was late!

All this causes me more confusion. How do I deal with my attraction with Kaycee at the same time I'm trying to come to a better acceptance of my own identity? How do I deal with my friends who know about me? "Oh, I'm gay but I'm going on a date with a girl." Do I tell Kaycee? I fear that if I do try to ask her out and she agrees, we ultimately may be wasting our time. I don't want to hurt her just to find out if I can ever make it with that 25%.

Is he or isn't he?

Two of my friends thinks that one of their other friends might be gay. They base it on a couple of things: 1.) He has a good friend that is majorly gay. 2.) He and this friend has spent at least one vacation together. 3.) This good friend had mentioned that they had sex. 4.) They discovered a pink vibrator while snooping around in his dresser. Is it possible? Sure looks like it. But there is evidence to suggest that he does walk the straight (if not narrow) path.

I finally met him last night. Very cute, but he totally did not cause any bells and whistles to go off. I think he's straight. Of course, I think I need to have my gaydar checked because I'm sure that it is either broken, or it doesn't exist. Despite being told that this guy is an asshole, he does look pretty cute.