Paranoia Fueled Bonfire

Oddly enough on the night of the previous post, Kraig called me up and asked if I wanted to go to the bar. I like Kraig but we have never hung out except those few times when by coincidence we ended up in the same social setting because of our other associations. So I was a bit surprised that he would have called me up. I thought about it but knew that I wouldn’t be able to go. First, it was already late that evening and I had to open the store in the morning. Second, I didn’t even know the bar in South Bend that he wanted to meet up with. And lastly, I didn’t feel like spending the money. I told him that I couldn’t but then he invited me to a bonfire that he was having the next night (Saturday). That was reasonable and I told him to text me the specifics. He replied that he would call me the next day.

When I hung up the phone, I started to analyze what had happened. Why did he invite me to hang out? Why now? Was it because he knew I was gay? If so, why would he want to hang with me? Did I have to worry about a set-up? Or maybe it was because he wanted to be friendly. He had always been very cool whenever we did see each other which has been happening more often. After all, he and Stacey did invite me to their wedding. In the end, I decided to go. He has always been a stand-up guy as far as I was concerned.

Season and went ahead and went. We arrived in time to meet up with some friends of Stacey’s who were related to Kraig. Two of them I knew from church. (Have I stressed enough that we live in a small world?) But as we sat there, the gay subject came up. It was joking at first. Sodomy jokes. Hah hah and all that. The people there made some comments indicating that they were okay with gays. Meanwhile, I shoot a look over to Season who snickered. How did this come up? Did Stacey and Kraig tell them about me? Were they trying to steer the conversation as to get me to out myself? Why am I so freaking paranoid? I paid particular attention to Kraig and Stacey to see if they shot me knowing looks but I got nothing. So I chalked it up to just talk.

It was a quiet night at the bonfire and I spent more time listening to conversations than actually participating. I’m like that when I am in new social situations. I clam up and prefer to check people out until I am comfortable with them. When it was time for Season and I to go, Kraig walked us out, which earns him bonus points for being a good host. Although he was aware that we didn’t fully engage, we were certainly welcome back. That made feel good.

I heard it through the grape vine

I heard it from Season who pretty much confirmed it for Kevin who was alerted by his mother, Sherri, that his brother, Kraig, said that someone in my class was coming out of the closet soon. (Umm, that would be me they are talking about.)

It all began a couple of weeks ago...

Season and I were set to go to the Venetian Festival. An incident occurred which scraped those plans. Instead, I tagged along with my good friend Erin, her boyfriend, Will, and another one of her friends, Stacey. To show how small our world is, Stacey is the fiancée of Kraig whose brother, Kevin, was in my grade and is openly gay. Anyways, Kraig for whatever reason didn't come with us. As we were walking at the festival, I thought that Stacey was making a joke about us being seen as a couple. I replied, "You're barking up the wrong tree."

A while ago, I decided that I wouldn't hide my sexuality when it came to Erin or any of her friends. Although, I knew that Stacey was going to marry Kraig, I honestly didn't care to hide it from her or consequently, Kraig. And it wasn't like it was a planned outing. I don’t go around saying, “Hey, I’m gay.” It just came up in conversation—a jest. I know that I run a risk doing it that way. I’m not sitting them down telling them my secret and swearing them to an oath of secrecy. They are free to tell whoever they want.

So this afternoon while Season and I were having dinner, she says, “Kevin knows.” How the hell did Kevin find out? Season and Kevin apparently had a phone conversation. From what I have gathered, Stacey must have told Kraig, who then told his mother, Sherri, who told Kevin. Kevin asked if Season knew who was the person in our class and well… he figured it out.

Does this pose a problem? I don’t know. I’m sure if he knows, the word is out and I haven’t gotten the word back just yet. I’ll find out soon I guess and I suppose waiting for that confirmation is scaring me a little.

The original plan was to go to Kraig and Stacey’s wedding and keeping a low profile so to speak. That is their day and I wasn’t going to steal some of their thunder by coming out to Kevin or anyone else. Again, I wasn’t going to hide it, but I don’t see how my sexual preference would come up in such a situation. Now, I’m wondering how I’m going to react when Kevin and I see each other at the wedding. Does he know that I know? Is he going to ask sly questions or will he blunt about it and just ask me?

Did I loose you, dear reader? I thought I might’ve.

Standby

Umm, a fairly long post has disappeared. I'm off for a run and perhaps I'll try it again.