It always lingers.

This is quite a ways to get to the subject of my post, but here we go. A while ago I was reading through one of the more popular gay blogs out there. This blogger had posted some nude pictures of a news anchor who worked for one of the nation’s largest cable news networks. (So that crosses out FOX News for those who need help.) This anchor had originally posted the pictures on a gay networking site. Although his face was not shown in the photographs, many of the commentators identified him. So after learning the identity of a very, very hot news guy, I googled him. I learned that he was a victim of sexual abuse.

One of the thoughts that came to my mind was, “I wonder if the abuse made him gay.” I chided myself as soon as it came running through my head. I know better but abuse does come to my mind as a reason why some guys turn out gay. The reason why is because I was abused too. Not to the extent that the anchor revealed but it was abuse. It started at a time when I only started to think about sex (five/six) and when memories of events started to become more reliable. I can not be sure if I kissed that boy before or after the abuse. I can not be sure if I ogled the naked men in that porn mag before or after the abuse. The events of the first hints of homosexuality are jumbled up in my memory. I wish I could sort it out. But even if I knew, would it really matter?