I'll have the variety platter please.

I’ve been wondering how I can inject myself into the local gay community. Not that there is much of one—at least that I know of. I’m not really into the bar scene and will only go if my friends are there. It seems quite clear that an outing to Trumans is crossing the line of comfort for them. I’m too chicken to go alone. But that’s any social scene.

Las year I noticed that there is a GLBT book club at Barnes & Noble. So the other night I went there to find out when their next meeting is and what book they will be discussing. The next meeting is in a couple of days and they will be discussing a cowboy book. After doing a quick search of it, I found it: Longhorns.

Looking at the book’s back cover I decided that I’d wait for the next meeting which is next month. The lack of time wasn’t the issue. Given the size of the novel, I could knock it out in two days. The plot didn’t interest me. From the back of the book:

“The Double H cowboys are a touch bunch, and none of them are gay—exactly…”

“…an instant hankering for… the straight ranch boss…”

First of all, I do not need a flashback to Brokeback Mountain. But the thing that really turned me off was this vibe of having to prove how “masculine” and “straight acting” these guys are. For those who know about what happened between me and Moose, you can probably see why I’d be hesitant to get involved with that.

See, I’m getting to the point where I don’t care how butch or how fem guys are. The more that I am becoming exposed to various gay men, I find that my worries of how I will be associated with them are disappearing.

A while ago, I used to say that I didn’t care for effeminate men and that I like straight acting men. Now it doesn’t bug me as much. Actually, one of my latest crushes was on a guy who comes off, well, a bit of a flamer. But I like him not because of his mannerisms but because he was witty, engaging, and a blast to be around. I got to know him as a person and as a person he is very attractive.

When I see people, or in this case books, trying to point out masculine men, I get a little annoyed. Yes, I know there are those types of guys out there. When it comes down to it though, it feels like I’m being dragged back to a point of view where there are only certain types of people that I like. And that is a distasteful thought. I recognize that my preferences lean towards a certain ideal. But what I have felt for real has been varied. If I could provide you with pictures of the various guys I wouldn’t mind having my way with you’d probably wonder if I have any criteria on what my ideal man would be. Honestly, I don’t think I really have a clue.

I don't need a cowboy. I just need a man.

I thought that this book would just pander to my own lusts rather than giving my mind something to chew on.

Boytoys not wanted.

In my job I only interact with two supervisors. There’s Alisha and Mark. Mark is higher than Alisha but essentially they provide help whenever we have issues with our tasks. For the most part, I interact with Alisha because she’s only two seats away and out of habit, whenever I have problem I always try to use a chain of command. She’s the first one I go to on that chain. I have no problem with Mark. In fact, I find him to be me more personable but I try to keep my distance with him.

My usually defective gaydar was beeping away the second time I met him but I never really got confirmation that he was “family” until about a month later. He doesn’t talk about his personal life much in front of the group. He’s out, he just doesn’t share but I did catch him one time mentioning his boyfriend.

Eventually, Mark figured me out. It’s kind of hard to describe how I knew that. But basically there was a look that said, “I know about you.” Well I know that you know. But to this day, we both haven’t said anything.

Towards the end of the project, in one of the last groups of temps to be brought in, there was a rather attractive guy named Chewy. That’s not his actual name but a nickname that Michelle and Kelly gave him. You see, they observed him chewing tobacco and spitting it out—hence the nick name. Eww. I laughed about it and forgot about him. But I did notice that Mark seemed to like this guy. At the time, it seemed like Mark had a crush or that he knew this kid from somewhere. Again, I didn’t think much more on it.

About a week before the layoffs, Zoe, Lindsay, and I were near each other and Zoe remarked how good looking Chewy is. Lindsay said that she didn’t find him that attractive and I agreed. She said it was the long face. For me it was the tobacco chewing during work, and the fact that he had Chinese lettering tattoos up and down his arm. Why non-Chinese people do that, I have no idea. But Zoe said something interesting. She said that she thinks that kid might be gay. I did a double take on the guy because it never occurred to me.

“No. I don’t think so.”

I kept an eye on Chewy and noticed his interactions with Mark. In every instance, it looked like the whole thing could be innocent. Then the next day, Matt was walking by the cubicle farm while most us were standing getting to leave. Matt is the hunky former marine. As Matt walked by, I observed Chewy focus in on Matt and followed him as he walked by. I knew that look. Bingo!

Now… I regret doing what I did next, but I was so excited that I did it anyways. I went back up to Zoe and said, “You remember what we talked about yesterday? About Chewy?”

“Hmm, hmm.”

“I think you might be right.”

“How do you know?”

“Because my gaydar is pinging like crazy.”

A couple days after that, old Ruth and I were talking about the girl and guy who seemed to be flirting. She kind of surprised me and said, “But it’s not as bad as Mark and [Chewy.]” Well apparently, Mark and Chewy had been noticed and was becoming the subject of the cubicle gossip.

I thought that Chewy was going to be hired in before me. He was promoted to data entry almost immediately. It took me two and half months. He was chummy with Alisha and Mark. I only talk to them when I need help solving a problem. I figured Mark would have his back. Nope. Chewy was gone in the first round of cuts.

Michelle and I were talking about it today. She sat in the same row and right next to Chewy. She described how he was taking pills, seemed stoned, slept on the job, and how much Mark would come by and touch him and stuff.

I’m not saying I’m jealous or anything, but I have been wondering why Mark hasn’t done much to acknowledge me. I’m not saying that I want him to come by and touch me and stuff. But it would be nice have more than the “I know about you” look.