Oh, by the way...

My list of those in the know has grown. Sara, Moose, Erin, and now Carrie. I told her while I stopped at the bar. If I wanted to be myself with Erin, then I needed to let Carrie in on it as well and since she is removed from my social circle as well I could trust her a little more. Season may be next.

[Carrie, whose wedding I will be attending this October, has been great. Basically she said, "Oh really? Congratulations. I'm proud of you." That was it; the subject never came up again. It wasn't avoided. It's understood and we moved on from there.]

When did you know?

“When did you know?”

“When did I know what?” is probably what most people would say in reaction to the first question. But for me and others, it’s something that we immediately know. The topic was brought up over at Zionide and some other bloggers responded and answered the question. If I ever get the courage to tell my family, I think that I will give them a copy of this journal and maybe one of their biggest questions will be answered here.

So when did I know. Well, there was never a specific event that I can tell you. It wasn’t as if there was one day that I made the realization. Although, the date of my acceptance is actually documented here on this journal. To put it simply, deep down, I always knew. It’s always been there. It just is (not was or will be). It just intensified as time went on until one day I had to finally admit what I truly am.

The first hint probably came with my fascination with the penis when I was probably five years old. You’re probably thinking that five is too young to be thinking about sex. You’d be right. I didn’t know about sex then, much less gay sex. Hell, I didn’t know what gay was then either. But I remember looking at a porno picture of a naked man and was in awe at how big they were and wondered why mine didn’t look the same. [ahem, don’t read too much into that last sentence.]

It was also around this time that I kissed a boy. Well, I’ve kissed two boys. There was one that lived across the vacant lot from us and who was a bit older. Then there was Jon who lived a couple houses down in the other direction. The older one was the first. He came over one day which surprised me because he never really hung out with me before. But I was glad to have someone to play with that day. We went into the house where after a little while, we were underneath the couch cover—probably playing fort. But I remember that he asked me how I wanted to be kissed. Loud, which entailed smacks that I would give my mom or silent, which involved frenching. I chose silent because I knew, even then, that it wouldn’t be good if nanay or my parents found out. So we made out for quite a while. And that was that, he didn’t seem interested after we had quit but I liked it. Jon was just a natural extension of that but that didn’t last long either.

Let me tell you what is probably more pertinent to the question even though it doesn’t directly answer it. By the time I moved to Idaho, I had a fair idea of what was really going on with me. I knew by then that my fascination with other boys was somehow different. I remember lying down on the floor of the living room while Dad was watching the news. There was some story involving homosexuals and heterosexuals. I had figured what they were but I wanted to ask Dad anyways.

“What is a heterosexual?” I wanted to avoid the word “homosexual” so I just used the opposite word.

“It’s what you are.” It was at that moment that I built my closet. Right then and there, I knew that what I truly am… is something that my father didn’t want and I knew that I had to try and be straight. And that pretty much leads me up till today where, while I don’t butch up my mannerisms, I still act like a straight man. [In some ways, it’s a blessing, but I wondered maybe if I hadn’t then it would have been too obvious and a coming out wouldn’t be necessary.]

Let Freedom Ring

Since Independence Day fell on a Monday, many places decided to celebrate on the Sunday, the third. I had the day off and I wanted to make sure that I ended up doing something. I have not seen fireworks for the fourth for a long time—at least here in B____. 2004’s was from the top of the parking garage at MSU looking towards Lansing. 2003’s was in the Philippines just having breakfast—probably at McDo’s. 2002’s was in Manistee and was great… my best one to date. 2001 and 2000 never happened.

This year I had a choice of going to N___, B___, or S___. However, it looked like I would be going alone. I called Sara and found out that she had plans with Adam. (More on that some other time.) Season was headed to Rachel’s so I could pretty much count her out on going to see a professional display. Kris was working that evening. My Mom and Dad were considering Baroda but they seemed pretty far from deciding. In the end, I ended up calling Erin. Honestly, I had expected that she would have other plans. It turns out that I was right and I was about to give up. But luckily, her plans modified and I was easily fitted in.

You know what… I’ll just post my blog entry in here as well. [blog entry deleted—it wasn’t pertinent anyways]

Anyways, what I didn’t include was that I outed myself to Erin. Like Sara before her, I came out while she was driving. I’m amazed I don’t cause accidents. I sort of just blurted it out while I was talking about Sara and Adam. I was explaining to her that Adam felt that Sara and I shouldn’t be seeing each other. It’s probably because he thinks that I’m making the moves on his girl. It’s ridiculous because one, Sara and him don’t have a relationship that even touches on healthy. Two, I’m freaking gay.

“Basically, I came out to Sara.”

At this point, Erin showed just how well she listens. “You’re gay?”

“Yeah…” I probably could have said it better but it came out sounding like it was a fact that she should have known all along.

I swear it looked like she couldn’t be happier. I thought it would be really awkward but she totally made me feel at ease. It actually made me happy when she asked me if I had a boyfriend. Sorry Erin, just a little too early for that I think.

We made our way to Coveleski just talking about my current situation. There was mention of some of the gay friends that her sister, Amanda has over at Aquinas. Then we got into a sort of little sparing that we do. You see, I know that she’s a lib/dem and she knows that I’m a conservative/rep. She seems happy that I may just have to abandon ship. Plus she’s absolutely elated that her claim that everyone is at least a little bisexual seems to have been proven.

“Well that explains a lot.” I almost cringed when she said that. One of things that I was proud of was that I seemed to have gone by without attracting suspicion that I might be gay. Sara didn’t know. Moose didn’t know. But Erin did? Not quite. It’s just that it explained why she thought that I didn’t like physical touch… like holding hands. It’s sort of half true. I don’t like physical touch but I crave it also. It’s just that I don’t know how to deal with it.

During the game, we talked a little more about my gayness and at first, I didn’t know if I wanted to talk about it when there were people around who could obviously listen in. But for some reason, I just talked and talked about it. I didn’t care if others were listening. It’s not as if they know my family and could tell them. Having Erin so close, and actually trying some of that physical contact was also something that I will always be grateful for. Hell, I wouldn’t mind try some of this spooning idea with her.

At the end of the night she gave me a hug. It shows me that the emotional and physical barriers have been brought down between us.

Was I so different?

I pulled out my old passport today. I didn’t plan on looking for it. I was just there as I was going through some old drawers. I was looking at a picture of a five year old me. So much different than I am. A smile. Wide eyes. Innocence. A different person really. And I looked into this child’s eyes. What was lying past them? Did he really have the same demons that I wrestle with? So this was a gay boy who had not realized what sexuality was. Was he so different from the other children? Because I don’t seem to remember. I see so much promise in this kid and it seems that he could never grow up to be… well… me.