Here's the Thing

Kraig and Stacey’s wedding on Saturday had me feeling kind of sick. Basically, I was afraid of being outed. And yet, it wasn’t that either. It was the potential of an explosion.

Of the people that went to the wedding, there were people who knew about me and plenty who didn’t.

Erin and Carrie know about me completely and have no problems carrying a conversation about me being gay. I am completely at ease with them and know that they respect me enough not to bring it up in front of others.

Stacey knows about me but I’ve never actually had a conversation with her about it. She has told Kraig who seems to be fine with it but has never brought it up with me. I think that they are waiting for me to bring it up.

Then there were the wild cards: Brenda and Kevin. They both are classmates of mine. Brenda may have found my blog. I noticed that my stat counter logged in someone from Minneapolis who had googled Kevin’s full name. Since Brian is unlikely to know Kev, I assume it has to be her. Kevin—well, you’re just going to have to read this post.

The last thing that I wanted to do was stir up trouble at their wedding. That was Stacey and Kraig’s day and I did not want to steal any attention. So if anyone was to confront me about it, I was planning to acknowledge it but also tell them to drop it.

When I arrived, one of the first people, other than Erin and Carrie, that I honed in on was Kevin. I didn’t want to seem like I was avoiding him so I made it a point to walk up to him.

“Hey Kevin. How’re ya doin’?” So I was a little nervous.

“Good.” His eyes rolled over to something else.

Okay. A little awkward. Nothing else is being said. He’s obviously elsewhere.

“It’s good to see you again.” Hey, I’ve got little when it comes to conversation starters.

“Good to see you.”

That was it. I wasn’t sure if he was avoiding me, if he honestly didn’t care to talk to me, or if he had something more important on his mind. To tell you the truth, I was kind of disappointed. Sure it was more than what I got from some other former classmates but damn.

When the ceremony was done, the chairs used at the ceremony had to be carried over to the tent where the reception was being held. I tried to make myself useful and helped out. Kevin was another who was collapsing chairs and bringing them over. One time we were near each other when he said, “They should have hired some Mexicans to do this.” Knowing Kevin, this wasn’t at surprising statement. But I was surprised that he said something to me. Was this his way of breaking the ice. I don’t think it was.

Towards the end of the reception, Kraig came by to my table and talked with me. Kevin followed shortly after. I won’t go into detail of the conversations. I think that it, plus my observations of their interactions, is best left unsaid. Don’t worry, it wasn’t anything bad, really, it just revealed a lot to me about the family dynamics. Anyways, as Kraig got pulled off into another conversation, I tried to engage Kevin again.

For a few seconds, it seemed to work but it was like he A.D.D. or maybe I just wasn’t giving him an interesting subject to latch onto. We talked about education in Florida for goodness sake. But I will tell you that he kind of pissed me off that he never introduced me to his boyfriend. Yet, he introduced him to Shane?! (Just know that Shane would be one of the last people I thought Kevin would make an outreach to.)

I don’t know. I’m not sure Kevin does know. Oh, but I think his mother does.

While I may not have wanted to have the gay conversation, I did want to have a conversation with him. I liked him in high school and I thought we got along great. In fact, many of my favorite memories from high school usually have him somewhere in the picture. That’s not to say that I had a crush on him or anything. I honestly don’t have those types of feelings for him. Still, I had hoped that perhaps there was some connection that we could have reestablished at the wedding. I would love to have been his friend.

In this area, there are two real life people that I know who are gay. Both, I want nothing to do with. Their questionable choices in terms of people they hang out with, substances they use, and let me be blunt—character just turn me off from them. Sure, I know there are great bloggers out there who have offered to lend me their ears, but I’d actually like to meet or, in the case of Kevin, have met someone in flesh and blood.

* * *

Also during the wedding, Erin pointed out a guy that she thought was gay. She asked me what I thought and that I should check him out. Unknown to her, I’ve met this guy twice before. While he may have a more effeminate way of talking, I’ve never entertained the thought that he was gay. Believe me, the way that this guy looks, I would have beaten off his girlfriend so that I could have him.

I told her that I didn’t think he was. As soon as I said it, I mentally kicked myself. I don’t want to get into conversations of judging whether people are gay or not. Plus, why would I know? My gaydar absolutely does not work.

The Need to Remember

When I first started this blog, I needed a place to express thoughts that I couldn’t on my main blog. I needed a place to write about my own coming out experience. Ever since I told my sister, there hasn’t been very much to write about. Frankly, I don’t see that changing soon either. I’m sort of in a comfortable place right now. My closest friends know and slowly more people are being brought into the loop. Aside from one or two cases, it’s all been good.

By the time I had started Peering Out, I had already been visiting quite a few “gay” blogs. None of them, however, were by guys still in the closet. So I thought mine was a relative oddity. Now, a year later, I’ve come across three other in-the-closet bloggers whose sites I visit. Yet, most of the time, I don’t identify with them. But I should, shouldn’t I? We are pretty much in the same boat.

There is this one blogger who seems to be freaking out that he may have inadvertently blow his cover. A group of friends may have found out about him. So he may be quitting his blog. My first reaction was to be rather annoyed. He is worried of the possibility of someone knowing. If I were face to face with him, I probably would have dismissed his feelings rather coldly. So what? It’s not a big deal.

Even though we are in the closet, I forget how terrifying it is to face the prospect of your family or friends finding out. I’m afraid that I am turning into one of those unsympathetic queers who demand all others be out and proud. Funny, considering that I am not.

So I owe an apology to all my fellow closeteers. I’m sorry for all those times that I had not read you with much empathy. But please know that deep down, I do care and I want you all to be happy. We all deserve that.

Regret and Relief

A few days ago SSG Carney came into the store. He’s a great guy and I see him every now and then. Since there aren’t any military facilities nearby that I know of, I assume that he’s a recruiter. Yet, I never see him going through the mall trying to track down some kids like the Marine recruiters do. That night he got me thinking.

I used to be in AFROTC. It was some of the best times that I had in college and most of the people that I knew there were upstanding individuals much like the sergeant. I would have loved to go into the Air Force but I quit halfway through my sophomore year. The real reason why is because I couldn’t make loose the weight. I was on my way though and probably would have made it if I redoubled my efforts as the detachment commander wanted me to defer my training for one more year.

There have been very few days where I haven’t regretted that decision. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had decided to keep going. Would I be doing something that I want to do? Yes. But now that I have finally come to admit my sexuality, could I have continued with it? Clearly, there are homosexuals in the military and I am glad that they are there doing the job so few others are willing to do. But if I was serving at the time that I came out, I don’t know what I’d do. I certainly would have felt even more trapped than I do right now.

Although I’ve had pleasant exchanges with the sergeant, I wonder how I would respond if he would ever ask me if I thought about joining the Army. I think that I would tell him the truth. I would love to but now, I don’t think I could because it’s an integrity issue. The core values of the US Air Force are, “Integrity first, service before self and excellence in all we do.” How can I serve with honor at the same time that I have to deny myself? Violating myself while in the military is so much worse than when I do so as a civilian.