Serenity

Well, it’s about time I saw this movie! I would have seen it in the theaters if my friends weren’t so hostile to a little sci-fi every now and then.

Quite honestly, I thought that the movie was a little disappointing. For me, it came across as just a bloated episode with some good effects. (Did anyone notice that they used sound effects in the space sequences?) The fact that they killed off Wash and the Shepherd didn’t go over too well with me either.

Some of the things that I did like about it, however, was learning a little more about the Alliance. I love me a little politics, what can I say? The revelation about the reavers and their connection too the Alliance was excellent. I honestly never considered that the two might be connected and I mentally kick myself over it. River’s action sequences were a blast to watch as well. Sexy in a way.

Is it me, or has Nathan Fillion gotten a little more buff? I remember thinking that looked a little doughy during the series.

Oooh, my stomach feels weird and I haven't even had a drink yet.

Season just came up to me and asked me if I was excited about Saturday. This will be my first official New Years bash. The last time I did anything was when I went to a house party with some buddies during my senior year of college. It wasn’t anything big. This year I will be heading with Season and Erin to Mishawaka and hitting the bars. The big stop: Truman’s, the local gay bar (and as far as I know, the only one.) Yes, after a few attempts, we are going for real. I took a look at their website, and this is my answer for Season: I am one step away from terrified.

It’s hard to explain. I just don’t know if I can handle it. I feel… like I’m stepping on an alien planet. This will be totally out of the norm for me. You know, I’m used to the sitting at the bar, drinking beer, and discussing retarded topics (including football games.) Dancing? No. That gyrating your hips thing? Tried it once and I was laughed at (well, I laughed too.) Dressing up for the occasion? Okay, I’ve got that covered thank you Sara. It’s just that this will be the first time that I am out there doing something that I can’t hide.

I would feel a lot better if I was going with a guy rather than two straight women. At least one of us would know what the hell was going on. I fear that we are just going to be three deer caught in the headlights. I’ve thought about asking Karl (you may remember him from here) to come with us. But that’s quite a lot to ask a person who lives up in mid-Michigan.

So it sounds like I need someone to hold my hand. You’re damn right I do! Now… where did I put my shoe polish?

I've made a decision

Ohio State University. The Ohio State University. Yes, that will be the team that I will be rooting for in the Fiesta Bowl this year. I impore all of you, dear readers, to do the same.

In my own little world, there is a trinity of schools that I absolutely love. There is of course my alma mater, Michigan State University. Then there is Notre Dame, and finally, Ohio State University. Having ND and OSU go to the Fiesta Bowl is a treat but it also gives me a dilemma. Who do I root for? In the end I had to go with Ohio State. The fact that they are a Big Ten team is what pushed them ahead. Big Ten above any other (yeah, I totally ripped that off.)

So cheer on the Buckeyes! ...At least until the fall comes around again.

No I’m not stalking you.

Whooeee! Nothing like a hot guy to start your day.

So there I was at the Magic Kingdom waiting in line with my mom and sister to go on that race track ride. You know the one I’m talking about, right? The one by Space Mountain. Anyways, I admit it, I was checking out the guys. Right in front of me was this absolutely gorgeous man. Lower 30’s, dark blond hair cut short, the slightest amount of stubble, cyclist type of body (and legs), pale green eyes, and a grin to make your heart jump. I simply could not keep my eyes off of him. And the way he treated his kids (who were remarkably well behaved despite being bundles of energy) just knocked me over senseless. I actually hoped that there would be some problem with the cars so that I could stay in line with him just a little bit longer.

Alright, so basically I was crushing on a married man with children. Why do I torture myself? Where can I find his gay twin? Whatever. In the end, he and his went their way, while we went ours. But over the day, I saw this guy three more times. And I swear to God, he recognized me. My little paranoia button was pushed and I began to worry that I might have gawked at him and he had noticed. My convenient run-ins with him might be weirding him out. Believe me, it was weirding me out, but I’m the one noticing him, not the other way around, isn’t it?

As I lay in bed that night, I thought about him—but not in that way perv. Maybe my fascination with him wasn’t so much as that I was actually crushing on him but maybe I wanted to be like him. So healthy and happy, with kids that adore him. Was it all a façade, or was it all real? And if was for real, then I couldn’t help but feel good that this guy had it all. And while sites like Post Secret say that we all have our inner demons, I could imagine this guy living a good life and I was happy that I could see it if only for a few moments.

There's no place like home for the holidays.

Hey everyone. I’m back and I hope that you all had a great Christmas. Looking through the blogroll, I see that most of you are well and did a bit of traveling also.

So my family and I headed down to Florida. As you can guess, we hit the wonderful world of Disney. I’ll spare you the fine details of what when on day to day. First of all let me say that I am really glad that I went with my family. If things are truly on the up and up for me, then this might be the last Christmas I spend with them. --Okay, that came out wrong. This will be the last Christmas I spend with them as a dependent. While I love my family, I came to realize that I just can’t spend one whole week with them day and night.

Instead of doing the theme park deal, I had hoped to do other less touristy things. Explore the Everglades, relax in Key West (as much as Dad would hate the company), maybe even catch up with a couple of high school friends. But you know everyone else wanted to see the attractions and when they’re picking up most of the bill, I tend to shut up and have as much fun with it as I can. So basically for one whole week, I spent my time riding as much rides and seeing as much as I possibly could.

While my sister is still big on rides, I’m beginning to grow into liking the shows. I suppose that’s why of all the Disney theme parks, I like Epcot the most. I had felt like I had to drag people around the World Showcase so that I could see some of the exhibitions that are shown. The Matzuriza at Japan, I love. Banging on drums never looked so artistic or sounded so good. Even the comedic version of a Christmas Carol over in the United Kingdom had me going. One of the things that I wish I really could have seen there was the Candlelight procession. The day we were there, it was being narrated by James Caviezel. But seeing how they were lined up at 3:30 for a 5:00 show, I wasn’t too thrilled about wasting time for it. Maybe some other year, yes?

Introducing the real green fairy.

Leave a message...

♫'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again...

This might be my last post for a couple weeks. I've still got to wrap up my last days of work and shopping before I head off to Florida for the Christmas holiday. So I hope that you all have a Merry Christmas just incase I don't get to the blog before I leave.

Take care out there. All of you.

David.

My CD of the year

I wouldn’t describe myself as a big music guy but I would say that music does affect me in quite a big way. I don’t know what it is about some of the songs that I hear, but there are just some that immediately trigger a memory. You would think that the lyrics of the songs can make it particularly meaningful. It’s not true with me. A song could probably be about dumping a boyfriend but I’ll associate it with TP’ing a teacher’s house. As I was cleaning my room a couple days ago (believe me, it almost gave my mom a heart attack), I came across an unmarked CD-R. I knew that it was burned so I popped it into my stereo and the memories came flooding back.

I made this CD back in February, probably the night before I drove up to see Sara and out myself for the very first time. The first four I had been listening to on my computer around the time that I had my nervous breakdown. I cried myself over “Hallelujah” and especially “Fly.” Not wanting to listen to talk radio on my way up, I burned this:

You’re So True by Joseph Arthur
Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows
The Weight by The Band
Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright
Across the Universe by Fiona Apple
It’s Raining Men by Gerri Halliwell
Fly by Nick Drake
Inner Smile by Texas
Generation by Emerson Hart
74-75 by The Connels
Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
It’s My Life by Bon Jovi
Forever Young by Alphaville

I had a long time to think about what I was going to say to Sara and to generally think about what was going to happen. These are the songs that accompanied me as I walked up to the precipice to take my leap of faith.

As I sat there and soaked it all in, I reflected on what has happened for the past year. How fortunate as this is probably the time to do so. So here are some thoughts:

• I am happy that I’ve finally accepted myself because once I learn to love myself, I can do anything.
• I am distressed that the “weight” on my chest did not disappear as I thought it would.
• I am relieved, however, that I don’t have this tearing feeling in my soul.
• I am absolutely, one-hundred percent, elated that my relationship with Erin and Season has improved.
• I am devastated that I seem to have lost Sara--almost to the point where I wish I didn’t tell her.
• I am scared that my sister may not really accept me even though my best hopes are with her.
• I am shocked that I gave my personal information to someone I hardly know and never met but in a weird way, I’m glad I did.
• I am still in the dark when it comes to a lot of things and I’m okay with that because I’ll get to where I need to be eventually.

I’m thinking about bringing the CD with me when I drive down to Florida with my family. It probably won’t have the same meaning as it did when I went up to Mt. Pleasant to see Sara, but you never know. A week before I told Sara, I was still telling myself I was straight.

I guess, I'll end this with the lyrics to "Generation" by Emerson Hart. The shorter version serves as the theme song to American Dreams. It's probably the only song on that CD whose lyrics are closest to the meaning it has for me.

You’re comin’ up like a flower
You’re comin’ up through the cracks that live ‘round here.
Everybody knows we have no fear

We are the wind of change coming
We take a stand where so many never go
We will shout it out to let you know,
This is my generation

We want an answer to the questions
We want to knock down the all walls they built for you
We wanna to know the truth not be lied to
We wanna to know the face freedom
We wanna to make a place were we can learn to love
Build a world that we can be proud of
This is my generation

Cause we just want to dance all night
Live inside the spark of life
This might be the only time around

You’re comin’ up like a flower
You’re comin’ up through the cracks that live ‘round here
Everybody knows we have no fear
This is my generation

Vanity?

Ugh… I guess it’s time I updated. Nothing interesting going on in my life but someone who has nothing interesting in theirs seems to have made some waves in the gay blogosphere. Austin Vane. Who is Austin Vane? Dunno. Who really does? Anyways, I was going through my usual blogs (most of which are listed off to the right) and was at ChadFox’s site when I saw an entry regarding this Austin Vane guy.

From what I could tell, AV was made up by some regular Joe and two associates out there. He had made his own blog, but could never attract a following despite leaving comments out there that could be tracked back to his own site. He just wanted to meet some other guys out there. The alternate persona which was hotter, hipper, yet false, drew more of a crowd and he called them on it.

Austin was made up you fucktards!! Quit basing your friendship circles and/or blogs on good-looking people only. It shows your insecurity and shallowness. Every single one of you who visited this site regularly deserves to be shit on. You're a disgrace to the gay world. We hope you enjoy your meaningless, single, pathetic lives that are based solely on lusting after hot men, random sex, drugs, poppers and whatever else you think is "cool" and worthy to blog about. It's guys like you who give the gay world a bad image and name to the rest of society. Wake up and become civilized.

I could see where he was coming from despite a little shock. When I started blogging, I left comments on other people’s sites in the hopes that they would check mine out and come back every now and then. Rarely did it happen. I kind of got all depressed about it. I mean, I must be boring, right? So I pretty much stopped posting comments. Why? One, usually when I want to post a comment, someone else has already beaten me to the punch. Two, I would prefer to add something of substance to the post but occasionally, I do heap a little drivel.

I did feel a little sympathy for him. I guess it was because I could relate. I’m not a supermodel either. I don’t have some fabulous life to write about or the creative flair to embellish what I do have. And it was a little frustrating that I couldn’t attract some of the big guys out there to come visit my site. But I realized that it wasn’t the reason why I blogged. This particular blog is not my main blog. It’s my sanctuary to discuss things that I can’t on my other one for fear of being found out by my parents. And although getting in contact with some great people is a huge bonus, it’s more important that I can spill my guts out somewhere rather than leaving it all in.

Like the other bloggers out there, though, I was a bit miffed because I’m trying to get beyond my own prejudices but he seems to be propping them right back up. There was also the fakeness of his life. I originally planned to create a fake name for this blog, but not a fake persona and I believe that I clearly said why. But as I had said earlier, I want to be moving forward and creating something that I am not, even a fake name, is not step in the right direction.

Vane and I may have something in common. But I don’t want to be here attracting a following because I’m hot or because I’m doing something exciting (although a little excitement to go with my award winning dimples would be welcomed). This is what I have to offer the world for right now. If it’s not enough for the reader, that’s fine. There are many other fine blogs to get lost in (like those off to the side… ahem). So I don’t have as many people visiting or commenting but I’ll say this: I appreciate--deeply—those who come here occasionally or regularly. I will take honesty over blind attention any day.

Blast from my past

The other night, I ran into Rich at work. When I was in high school, he and I worked over at K-mart. He had recently ended his tour in the Air Force, coming back from South Korea. His mannerisms made me think that he was gay. He wasn't but that didn't prevent me from having a huge crush on him. This man was such a good guy and I don't think I could come up with one bad thing to say about him. He left K-mart shortly before I left for State. I had told him before that I was planning on going into the Air Force as well. One of the last things he did was to wish me good luck. As far as I knew, he was off to become an EMT.

Well as you may have already observed, the whole Air Force thing didn't work and I pretty much ended in the same place as I was in high school. Occassionally, I would spot him in the store with his wife. We made eye contact and aknowledged one another over a distance but it never went further than that until recently.

It turns out that he is working over at the Hummer plant. Honestly, he looked a little tired. His eyes were a little red. I guessed that he probably had a long day or had just gotten off his shift. Rich said that things were going well, though, so I'm happy for him. It would be nice to see him one last time before I leave for good.

Yes, it's true...

I haven’t seen my coworker, Tammy, for over a week and a half. She had Thanksgiving week off for vacation, and I’ve had Monday and Tuesday off when she returned. Yesterday I came back while she had her day off. When I came in Wednesday (yesterday), Ms. Sally came up to me while we were punching in.

“You and I have got to talk.” She said.

“Why? What happened?” As I was wondering what was going on, I saw Joni bending over laughing. “What the hell?”

Joni lifted herself up just a moment to say, “Tammy was freaking out yesterday about what you told her.”

Apparently, everyone has to prance around the word “gay.” So there it is, now everyone is beginning to realize that, yes I am. Well, not everyone is on it. There are other people in the crew who had no idea what Joni was laughing about.

Latter on in the night, Jon, Jamie, and I went up to the deli for lunch. Deli Mike (who I am hugely attracted to) was there so I thought that this would be an excellent time to gauge his reaction without actually having to say anything to him.

“So, was [Tammy’s] freak out an ‘Oh my God’ one?” I asked.

Joni starts to get all red in the face again. Apparently this is an embarrassing subject for her.

“What are you guys talking about?” Jamie was getting frustrated about not being in on the conversation.

I glanced over at Deli Mike who was filling out Joni’s order. “Tammy’s freaking out because I said I was a homo.” Mike acted as if he didn’t hear anything. Rats.

“You are?!”

Why is it so hard to believe?