I'd go to the other end of the city.

Over the summer, I worked with this kid named Scott. I remember when he walked in with who I assumed was his boyfriend and picked up, filled out, and turned in an application. I wanted to work with him so that I could be exposed to gay life. Until he came along, the only other guy that I knew lived up in Lansing.

I didn’t find Scott attractive. That’s not to say that he’s ugly or anything, it’s just that he didn’t do anything for me. However, I thought that his boyfriend was pretty hunky. Ashley, who worked with us over the summer came in a couple months ago and said that Scott and Craig had broken up. One of the first thoughts that I had was, “Great. Someone’s available!” As crass as that sounds, I was also sorry to hear about it. I genuinely wished Scott to have a happy relationship. Plus, I wasn’t ready to start dating.

With my renewed interest in MySpace, I used the browse feature to see gay guys within a twenty mile radius of Niles. The group listing that was generated wasn’t that interesting. However, there was one photo that caught my eye and I clicked on it. Lo and behold, it was Craig. Fate? Probably not but it made me wish that it was.

Yesterday, I went to the Old Navy store in south South Bend for some pants. The store on Grape Road didn’t have the size I needed. Since I was there, I decided to eat lunch at this eatery. I remembered that Craig worked there as the store manager. And whadda ya know? He was there.

Craig actually took my order. I tried to remain calm and normal. At the same time, I was trying to establish as much eye contact as I could with the hopes he might realize that I was attracted to him. What? I heard that’s what humans do. Anyways, I didn’t really get anything from him. Instead, I imagined that his occasional glances my way meant more than just the casual surveillance of the crowd.

When I went into work that night, I told Danielle all about it. She asked me if the guy’s name was Nate? No. But there’s a gay guy there named Nate? Is that good or bad? Apparently she knows this Nate guy. So she’s my “in.” I think she’s teasing me when she suggests that she’s going to make some inquiries for me. Presumably through Nate. I tell her not to but secretly, I want her to do it.

Emerging Sensitivity

It was a rough day for me today and it shouldn’t have been. I had the day off and a lot of great things were happening. But every one of them was ruined by some homophobic remark or action. By themselves, they weren’t huge. Chris expressed disgust about a gay couple. A girl told another girl that she was “gay” for choosing a particular item. My dad grimaced and said “yech” when a gay couple on The Amazing Race kissed each other on the lips. Now at the end of the day, I’ve just had enough of it all and want to go to sleep.

I’ve never been a person to be moved by the thoughts, words, or actions of other people. I’ve got slight libertarian outlook to things so I basically don’t begrudge people based on their beliefs. Want to hate black people? Fine. Want to raise fifteen children under strict Christian principles? Knock yourself out. Think gay people are the spawn of Satan? I used to not care. Now, I do.

With Chris, I’ve always considered him a good guy. He’s always been in my corner. We may not have been the best of buds in high school, but I never felt at odds with him. Out of the entire class, that makes him one of two. That’s not to say that I hated everyone else. It’s just that he never made my ever changing shit list. Now he’s on it because of how he reacts to this gay couple that we know. And I don’t know if it’s the sexuality that is the real issue, but he uses it. Today, I just wanted to deck him when he suggested that he wouldn’t want to be the guest of a gay couple.

With the two girls, it was more of a shock because the one was maybe fourteen. And the context of how the word was used was awkward. Even if you are tolerant of the usage as an expression of saying something is odd, it still didn’t seem to fit right. Why would choosing a Diet Dr. Pepper be “gay?”

I really don’t know how Dad is going to handle it when I come out to him. Quite honestly, I expect there to be lot of yelling and stomping. Maybe more. I hope not though. A simple peck on the lips by two gay men is something he has to avert his eyes from. Meanwhile, I look in the crowds to see two men holding hands because such a simple sign of affection gives me more hope than any bill in legislature, speech by a politician, or decision handed down from a court.

Now at the end of the night, I can go to sleep. I think tomorrow will be a better day.

I let it get to me.

Erin is bringing a coworker named Chris to the Y some time. She says he is gay too. It’s not a set up for me. He just wanted to check the place out. Usually, I hang out at her house after our class and watch Monday night TV. He will join us. I’m looking forward to it. I don’t know any gay guys around here.

I got a text from my friend Sara. She wants me to go speed dating with her next month. It sounds like it would be fun but it wouldn’t be any benefit to me. I’d be there mostly to support her.

I was complaining to Erin about how I like this guy… and before I went on she said, “Is this an internet guy or a real one?” I suppose my attention needs to be brought back from the cyber world.

Things have been happening in addition to the above lately that has thrown me into a loop. I’m not going to go into what it is because it is embarrassing. Suffice to say, it has been hurting me so much that I’ve been thinking about giving blogging a break. When I say that, I mean not posting on my blog and not visiting anyone else.

That’s it. Avoid the pain.

I wonder if the people, that I converse with on the blogs, and I lived near each other, would we be friends?

I’m not giving up blogging. I enjoy it. I’m going to get through this because this is for myself.

I’m going to meet Chris. I will check him out. If that speed dating thing has a gay circuit, I’m willing to consider going to it. Yes, I will get over my internet crush because it doesn’t do anything for me.

I need to focus.