1 of TAR 9’s secrets:

Uh huh. I knew that the hippies were better allies than the Double D’s!

I'm in the directory.

I admit it, I'm a stats whore. Every other day, I take a look at my stats to see who comes to my blog. If you are worried about your privacy, I don't actively look for you. I only notice IP numbers and so far there are only two of you who haven't made a comment on my blog (shame on you!) so I know you exist but I don't know who you are. Again, don't worry as I am not going to track you down.

Anyways, I was looking at my stats for my main blog. I try to keep my gay life separated from that blog because family members drop by there from time to time. I will admit there are a couple links to gay blogs and there is some hidden language involved. And aside from Luke and a mysterious visitor from the UK, no one has found it who wasn't already given the URL. So I am a bit baffled as to how that blog ended up in a gay blog directory.

My guess is that the site guy mined for links and picked my site up. Still, wouldn't the lack of gay info have given him the clue that maybe I'm not gay? Who knows, I could be a straight ally. He's right of course, but still... it kind of irks me.

There is place where he says that he will remove the listings if the site owners requested it. I thought about it, but decided to leave it be. If I get some more traffic... Great!

By the way, this blog isn't in the directory.

Gay Teaparty?

I spent half the day over at Erin's new house yesterday. A few of her other friends and I were helping out with her remodel. When I was all set to leave she told me to a wait a moment because she had some birthday presents that she got for me. It's kind of embarassing to have strangers (her other friends) watch as I got them. She got me some wine goblets and wine stoppers. Alright, so maybe it wasn't something that I was... expecting... but they were from a friend so I love 'em anyways! She told me that I could have a "gay teaparty" or something. (With wine glasses--go figure.) Her friend, Kevin (not the same person in the previous post) looked at me as if he just figured the deeper meaning of that statement. I had to laugh at that. I didn't care.

Her birthday is coming up soon and I'm now brainstorming to get her something. I was thinking about getting her something for the house. Something practical. But I hear women don't really care for practical gifts. I mean, think of the poor guy that got his wife an ironing board for her birthday. He got an iron to the face. Hmm... decisions, decisions.

"How about this color?"

Now I may not know shit about home DIY, but I sure can decorate.

*getting in tune with my gay side*

What was that about?

My dreams are nothing remarkable. Actually, I hardly remember them. So I don’t give much thought about what goes on in my subconscious. (I think I would prefer not to know.) A couple nights ago, I had one that I remember and I have been wondering what it means—if anything.

The setting is wedding of Craig and his girlfriend Stacey. Unless you are a keen observer of my life, you may not know that Craig and I used to go to high school. His brother, Kevin, and I were in the same class. Stacey went to a neighboring town and with my friend Erin. Erin and I are at the wedding as well as Kevin and his boyfriend.

Other than Erin (and a few other people I didn’t mention), I’m not out to anyone there. If this were happening in real life, the only reason I would be there would probably be as Erin’s date. Craig and I aren’t close enough where I would actually be invited to a wedding. But Erin might be close enough to Stacey to be invited.

Sufficiently confused yet? Sorry.

My dream sequence skips the ceremony and I start at the reception. Everything is going great. In fact, it feels a lot like Carrie and Justin’s wedding a few months ago. I’m having fun and I am catching up with Chris and Nathan (some old classmates). We are standing in a group talking when I look past them and I see Kevin with his boyfriend. I feel kind of bad because he has pretty much been ostracized from the rest of the gang. I don’t know if his being gay had anything to do with it, but I suspect that it played a part of it. Truthfully, I don’t know about the real-life reasons as to why this is so but I’ll leave it at that. His being Craig’s brother is pretty much the only reason he is at the wedding, at least in my unconscious mind.

I’m torn as to whether I want to approach him or not. For a while, I’ve wanted to talk to him and see how he is doing down in Florida. But there is the nagging fear that maybe he will find me out. Having Craig and the others find out about me is not a good thing and so I decide to hold back.

Towards the end of the night, I walk up to his table. He’s sitting there watching the people on the dance floor. His boyfriend is gone for the moment.

“Hey Kevin,” I say.

He barely lifts up his head and I can see from his facial expression that he is surprised that I am talking to him.

“Hey,” he says and motions me to sit down.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am horrible with conversations but I try to make one with him and it comes off awkward as hell. I’m trying to find something interesting, trying to get glimpses into his life while tiptoeing around things that might out me. Eventually, we start getting more comfortable and soon I don’t care what may or may not give me away. Just as I was about to say something that would tip him off, I am stopped by the sudden reappearance of his boyfriend. After a brief introduction, he takes Kevin to the dance floor but he looks back at me over his shoulder and gives me the look of he’s mine.

I’m kind of insulted. I have no interest in Kevin and was only reaching out to him because he is the only gay guy that I know. (Okay, that’s not totally true but Moose is up at State doing his own thing, and I am not associated anymore with the guys back at my previous job.) I watch the two of them dance and while I feel a pang of jealousy, it’s more about having a relationship than having it with one of them.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look up and I see Erin. She sits herself down and together we watch the crowd. Then the dream fuzzes out.

Over the past couple days, I have been asking myself quite a bit of questions.

Would I be able to risk letting Craig know?
Can I honestly expect hold back the truth? So many people know already.
Why should I care about hiding myself from Chris and Nathan?
Is this dream about coming out and indicator of how I feel about it?
Why should I feel this compulsion to talk to Kevin, a guy who I have not heard from in six years?
Is there something more? After all, his boyfriend gave me that look.
How does Erin fit into this? Is she my support?
…And who the hell decided to have a wedding reception in a high school gym?

Pop? Yuck. (the official line)

I suppose it's a little late to make a decision on Lent*, but I think I will give up pop. Well maybe not totally, but I'm talking about a serious roll back here. In a matter of four days, I've managed to suck down a 24-pack. Back in 1999, I cut out pop for Lent and succeeded. At the end of it, it tasted pretty gross. Sad to say, but I got hooked on it again and it occurred to me that maybe I should drop it for good. While I'm out and about tomorrow, I'll have to stock up on tea. It's gonna be a rough couple weeks.


*Umm, I'm not Catholic but I use Lent as an excuse to do something healthy.

Last night on the big screen...

Erin took me out last night for a birthday treat! With both of us on a budget, we went for the Ready in Niles. For $3.50, it does provide bang for the buck in my opinion. Anyways, we went there to see “Failure to Launch.” Hmm, was she trying to say something?

The basic story involves a thirty-something guy that still lives at home with his parents. And who could blame him? No rent, excellent food, and free cleaning services. His parents, however, feel that it is time for him to go. They find a professional interventionist who plans to “bond” with the guy and provide the impetus for him to get out. Predictably, she falls for the client.

It wasn’t the most enjoyable film that I’ve seen. The “romance” and “comedy” aspects of this romantic comedy were very separate. The movie has a realistic feel to it but the comedic aspects, usually involving animals, seemed to run against it. As a result, the movie seems disjointed somehow.

Bradley Cooper and Zooey Deschanel also star which is enough for me to be interested in the film. However, if I had known that I would be getting multiple viewings of Terry Bradshaw’s butt, I think I would have passed.

I recommend waiting until it comes out on TBS.

Half-dozen

I’ve been tagged by Herb! So now you are going to get to know six weird things about me. Let see here… what are the weird things about me?

1. I once shaved my eyebrows so that I could look like a Vulcan. Considering what happened to Christian Slater, I suppose I was fortunate because they grew back. Sometimes, I want to shave them off like Whoopi Goldberg but now that I know what happened to Christian Slater, I’m too chicken to do it.

2. I’m one of those people who checks to see if there is anyone hiding in the tub/shower before I use the bathroom. Always. Without fail.

3. Sausages make me gag. (Please keep your snickers to a minimum.—But yeah, I wonder about that too…)

4. I have issues with driving. I hate 4-way stops. I love roundabouts. I will avoid making left hand turns onto certain streets; I’m known to make my own Michigan lefts on a fairly regular basis. I am insanely afraid to drive in downtown Chicago but I secretly love driving in other cities. (I just say that I hate them too, but only so that my fear of driving in a city seems consistent.)

5. I didn’t know that being tongue-tied was physical condition until I found out that I am. My entire tongue, all the way to the tip, is attached. I can’t touch the roof of my mouth with my tongue or stick it out more than a couple centimeters. I’m afraid I may be a disappointment to a certain someone in the future, but not enough to get that damn ligament snipped just yet.

6. I’ve never told anyone this next one. I don’t really consider it too weird, but I thought I’d throw it in since someone called me it a few hours ago. “Dave.” Calling me “Dave” used to drive me up the wall and back down the other side. I’d grit my teeth and generally get steamed. I don’t know why. I hated “Dave.” Then one day in tenth grade, one of my friends said it and it never bothered me again. “Davy” will get me pretty fired up still, but I’m working on that. Now, I react positively to “Dave.” Other than the fact that on that one day, a friend called me that, I have no explanation as to why my position on it changed.


Now, I’ve got to tag people. Oh I dread this because I don’t know if I have six people to tag. If you are a somewhat regular reader here—you’re it! So let’s see, that’s Kate, Luke, Brian, [Unknown visitor from the UK], and [Unknown visitor from New York City—Is that you PJS?]. Season would be the sixth but she doesn’t have a blog. I’m not sure if there are any other regulars, so whoever wants to be the sixth one consider yourself tagged.

Huffin' and Puffin'

Today and yesterday, I got to participate in one of a series of mock disaster scenarios. My supervisor runs two classes that trains volunteers to assist in disaster or emergency situations. Graduations for the classes involved three stations where the students would have to use the knowledge and skills and apply them. I got to be in the smoke house which is pictured. It was a lot of fun.

I was located in the bedroom which is on the left there. The door on the right was the only one that could be opened so they would have to get me out by going through the trailer. How they would accomplish this was pretty interesting.

On day 1, the first team couldn't get me out. Mike, the firefighter that I was working with said, "If you can't get him out, leave him." Gee, thanks Mike. Team two, was able to get me out after bumping my head on the steps. Team three got me out the fastest by using a blanket to carry me out.

On day 2, the first team did alright and was able to get me out. Team 2 took the longest. Although my foot was blocking the door to the room for all the teams, it took them two attempts before they reached in and moved my foot. The last team was brutal! They dragged me by my two feet. Ahhh, the rug burn! Even still, they couldn't get me out as a gas leak forced them to leave me behind.

If I could work it out, I might look into taking the class when it is offered again in the summer. Anything to help that resume. heh heh

Numb my mind,

Last night, I spent my time relaxing in front of the boob tube watching Bend It Like Beckham. After a stressful week, the movie was a good way to end it. I haven't seen this movie in quite a while even though it has to be one of my favorite movies. Further evidence, as my sister would say, that I'm just as much an anglophile as her. Well, not really, but it does raise suspicions. lol.

I can definitely relate to some of the characters in the story. Jesminder's break from the cultural expectations of her family. Jules's suffering under her mother. Joe not living up to his father's dreams. Tony, as he is taking his first steps out of the closet and what that will mean to his family. ("But you're Indian.")

* * *

I was going to blog about the BSG finale... but I don't know how I feel about that. I think I'm going to need some time to digest what I saw. --We have to wait until October to see the next season?! Argh!

Gay Games in Chicago

For the past couple of days, I have been seeing news and talk reports concerning the Gay Games that will be held in Chicago. It centers mainly on Crystal Lake where game organizers want to hold the rowing competition. Many of the locals are up in arms about it. They don’t want the Gay Games there. Their reasoning is that they don’t want to be exposed to people who promote an immoral lifestyle. Our kids must not see two women holding hands or two men kissing. Game organizers say that they need the lake because the city of Chicago can’t host that event. The city doesn’t have a lake. (Alright—let’s forget about the huge honking one they sit along side of.)

I was listening to Eileen Byrne on WLS and for a while she was talking about this issue. She made some interesting comments. She is against the Gay Games. Now I wouldn’t call her a homophobe because she comes at it from the perspective of where I think society should be. She doesn’t see sexuality as being something you should be discriminated or congratulated for. It is what it is, and so what? She asks, “Why do we have to have the Gay Games? Do we have straight games?” Why should there be separate games? Is a gay pole vaulter (couldn’t resist, sorry) somehow different than a straight one? We already know that there are gay athletes that participate in the Olympics. So why, other than to promote the “homosexual agenda,” are the gay games held? I appreciate her view. I really do. It’s all fine and good, but we don’t live in a society that has that view. I wish that sexual orientation wasn’t an issue but it is. Am I willing to admit that the gay games do promote an “agenda?” Sure, I have the balls to say that at least. I wouldn’t say that we are out to convert the heteros, or their children. I wouldn’t say that we are there to rub sexuality in their faces just because we can. I would say that we are there to send a message. We are here. We can do these things. We do have issues that concern us. I don’t see anything offensive about the promotion of homosexual rights or the display of the abilities of gay people. Besides, I find the concept of the Gay Games to be more family friendly than a pride parade.

So then we are back at the opponents’ argument that the Gay Games go against their “family values” and that they don’t want to be exposed to that. They don’t want to be unwilling recipients of a pro-homosexual message. Well, tough. I’m constantly being exposed to the anti-homosexual message. I can’t help but feel good about having the tables being turned. If they don’t like it, they can stay in their houses. Don’t go to Crystal Lake. Better yet, why not just plan for a vacation that week and get out of town (Like Jim). Go to Wyoming, because we all know that gay people don’t live there. Unfortunately, a vote can be taken to deny the game organizers the use of the lake. What can we do? *shrugs*

I wanted to throw in some observations by Roe Conn. (Hey, I was in bed the entire day… so yes, I’ve been listening to talk radio for hours on end.)

[talking to a lesbian footballer] Shouldn’t the gay guy be the receiver?

You’re not a “tight end” are ya?

Do they call flag football, flag football?

Oh it’s horrible, I know. I like Roe though. He probably has the best point of all: This is nothing but good news for the shop owners out there.

If the circumstances are right, I think that maybe I will take a day trip to Chicago and check it out. The games will be held July 15-22. Now, I got to find someone to see it with.

I can't be happy when I think you're wrong.

Ugh. Sorry, I haven't got back. I haven't been feeling well enough to post but I have been around the blog neighborhood. The fact that I've been in bed for the past few days also hasn't prevented me from being involved in more drama. Out of respect, I can't blog about the details. But it has got me thinking on the subject of judgment.

As a gay person, I would hope that the friends, family, and people in general wouldn't be judgmental. Well, I wrote a letter to a friend who I feel is making unwise choices and told her so. Lately, things have just been getting worse and I couldn't tell her that I was happy with what was going on. I fear that she may have taken it to me that I am judging her. Well, there is truth to it and I fear that she's going throw that right back in my face because she claims that she doesn't judge me. But my sexuality and what she is doing is different. Then again, I keep thinking, maybe it isn't.

I called her last night to make sure that there wasn't any miscommunication between her and I. I ended up leaving a voice mail. I don't like it when friends get into a messes like this and I definitely hate it when I am in it too. So far, she hasn't bothered to respond. Well after half a year of the same treatment, why should I be surprised?

Just because I think she's making wrong choices doesn't mean that I don't love her or want what is best for her. How do you make a person understand that?

Let's pretend nothing happened.

My sister has been home for a few days now. She is on her spring break from Western. I have never felt more distant from her than I do right now. We’ve barely said anything to one another. I don’t know what affect my coming out has done to us. It seems that it, along with her college life, has pulled us apart. A few weeks ago, I looked at her online blog. She doesn’t know that I read it. In it, she described how much of a pain I was to her during Christmas time. She described me as “angry” and that while she knew what my problem was, she didn’t excuse it. I never thought that I come off as “angry.” I can see where I am a nuisance or a pest because I know how to push her buttons just like she knows how to push mine. To other people though, we’re complete angels. But I took it as my clue to back off and I have. We haven’t talked since Christmas up until now.

Messing with the family dynamic is something that I desperately want to avoid. It is the sole reason why I’ve been staying in the closet. You know how there are families that are incredibly close? Big families that are emotional, yet bonded. They come together for big meals to spread the family news (err… gossip). While they may act crazy at some surprising news, they end up weathering it out. Well mine isn’t. I actually think of it as very fragile. We are not close. It’s that simple. We’re cool and distant. I hardly ever see my aunts or uncles. I haven’t really talked to my cousins in years. I remember my Dad saying, “I love you,” to me only twice. The last one sounding forced. My step mother, who I consider my full-fledged mother, has never said it. It’s not that we don’t love each other. It’s just that we are horribly retarded when it comes to expressing ourselves. At least, that’s what I always tell myself. My family is all that I have. If I loose them, I will be lost. And the way my parents act when it comes to homosexuals, it’s not encouraging.

A while ago I told Erin that I wished I could cut myself off from my family. Just leave and start a new life. As soon as I said it, I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe that I said that. These are my parents, my sister. They are all I’ve known and I can’t leave them. As much as they are keeping me back, I can’t go forward without them. So, I constantly torture myself as to what I should be doing, what risks I should be taking,--constantly ending up back at square one.