So Fast It's Scary

Remember Panera Bread man from a few posts back? I still have this crush on him although, I have largely gotten over it. I didn’t know him so it’s hard to keep the idea of dating this guy fresh. I know it sounds stalkish, but every now and then, I do go by his MySpace page and see what’s new with him.

For the past couple of weeks, he has been going out with this guy. I’ll call him Jay. So after two weeks, they are already all about the L-word and spending the rest of their lives together. And I’m thinking, “Glad I didn’t get on that boat.” This was definitely a case of bringing the U-haul on the second date as Laura, my lesbian co-worker, once said. Seriously. Two Weeks?!

Now I’ll concede, I do think that it is possible to fall in love rather shortly. I fell for John very quickly and when he left after a few weeks, I was so heartbroken that I cried. Scared the shit out of me that I was doing that for a guy. I wouldn’t say that I was in love with him, but it was… something. However, despite that, I just don’t understand how you could openly cling to one another like that after a little amount of time. Maybe it’s just my rational head, but it’s seems so fast for me.

For anyone who may have the fortune of dating me, (I am a catch you know. *grins*) don’t tell me that you love me after knowing me for only two weeks. I repeat, don’t. More than likely, you’re going to freak me out because I will not say, “I love you,” until I am absolutely sure. It’s not a phrase I throw out lightly. Trust me, when I do say those words, it’ll be real and it will be felt. It will be worth waiting for.

Tempting Fate by Mail

The other day I registered for the Law School Data Assembly Service (LSDAS) and the Law School Admissions Test (LSAT). Going through the various steps for registration, the website asked me certain questions. These questions, if I chose to answer them, would be released to third parties. The questions were about race and sexual orientation. So I released my personal information in the hopes some law school might want to “recruit” me.

I have no problem with releasing my race. I did hesitate when it came to the question of whether I am a gay student. I was worried that if I marked that, then I would start receiving promotional materials in the mail. What a nice surprise my parents would have when the go to the mail box and pull out a letter for me from the Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Students Society of So and So. Yeah, that would go down well.

I clicked the box. I figured that if I didn’t, I could be closing the door to an opportunity that may never occur again. I wasn’t going to let my fear of my parents’ rejection guide this decision. I’m not second guessing that decision. It’s kinda surprising actually. But should those pieces of mail come, I guess I will deal with it then .

All Quiet on the Homo Front

There really hasn't been too much to blog about lately. Some things got a little mention on the main blog but I didn't think they needed a post here. At least, I didn't want to talk about it in much detail.

I recently posted on Tangled Thoughts that I will be going with my friend, Sara, on a Speed Date. I got a comment from Moncrief that made me think a bit. He wrote, "Why not concentrate on finding a boyfriend?"

The short answer to that question is because I'm not ready. I made a decision that I would not date or otherwise get into a physical or emotional relationship until after I come out to my parents. I don't need my parents approval. I just don't want to have to drag my boyfriend into the closet with me. I don't think that is fair to him.

I admit there is also a more emotional components. Fear. Fear that I'm not desirable. Fear that I'm largely ignorant. Fear of rejection.

I really do want a boyfriend. Sometimes so badly that it makes me tear up. If the right circumstances came along, I'd throw caution to the wind. But so far, that hasn't happened.

What I really want and need is a friend who can show me the way. I want to know that when I finally make a break for it, there's going to be someone on the other side. Does that make any sense?