plans

I am back from my trip to MSU/Detroit. You can get most of the other info off the blog but I wanted to write about what happened that I couldn’t post in the blog.

I came out to Season while we headed up to MSU. She would have put two and two together once she saw Moose. Plus it wouldn’t have been fair to Moose to pretend that I was straight. I wasn’t there to act like I was. He gave me a hug when I got there. Such love! It’s great that we don’t have to be so protective our image… not that I’m attracted to him because I’m not.

While we were having drinks at the Barrel, our topic of conversation was gayness. I was hoping that Season wouldn’t feel left out or that she would be uncomfortable. She stayed quite most of the time and that worried me.

I think that I may have offended Moose when I said that I was attractive to straight acting men. He doesn’t like that term for whatever reason. Maybe he thought that I was prejudging him. And I guess he would be right. I did prejudge him and perhaps still do. But I like him. I look up to him. I envy him. I am jealous of him particularly now because he his pursuing a relationship with this guy named Paul whom I noticed back in the summer of ’04. In fact, when we went to Paul’s place, I was full of excitement that I was going to meet him. If I was back in school and more out, I would have definitely tried to go out with him. Sadly, it’s just not possible now.

Season offered to take me to a gay bar there but the time restraint pretty much nixed that. But she is all for going to one in South Bend. When I called Erin later that night, she was excited about it to. We’ll probably start off with the drag show. Again, I’m not sure I am into that, but it allows me to sit back and enjoy a show rather than trying to start conversations with other men.

another thought

My cousins Alyssa and James are staying with us tonight. Aunt Julie has some sort of business to attend to and the required her to leave her kids with us. I don’t get along with small kids. I don’t think I could ever handle them. The crying, the screaming, the energy. Yet, I want some. Mom and Dad made some cracks that I should learn how to change their diapers. I claimed that I didn’t have to learn because I didn’t want children. A slight modification from, “I probably won’t have children.”

I have a long way to go. I’ve only just come to terms with who I am. To date, only four real people know—Sara, Moose, Erin, and Carrie. A few bloggers know but they don’t know who I am really nor I them. It’s odd that I can be completely open with them and yet not some of my closest acquaintances and friends. I might tell Amy, if she ever decides to respond to my email. Season is in the running as well. But what the next step? Coming completely out of the closet. Meeting other gays. Dating. Relationship. Sex.

I am reminded of when I went to Moose’s. I wanted to him to have all the answers to my questions. He didn’t. I think he knew that I had to continue to figure this out on my own. I suppose I’m grateful for that for I am in a different mindset than when I first came out. One of the things I wanted to talk about was gay sex. I told him that I had no desire to being a bottom. He basically told me to stop thinking about it. I have a few steps to take before that. And it’s true. Kids are even a few steps beyond sex. But at the pace I am going… it may never even get to the top of the stairs.

Patrick said, “Married at 25, kids at 30.” He’s now 25 and is newly single. I’m halfway to 24 and never been kissed (okay, pre teen years don’t count.) It’s very lonely and the gays that I do know, I don’t want to associate with. I’m hoping that a little networking will do, but so far it’s been unproductive.

One thought that has been churning over and over in my head recently was this: If my parents or sister ever ask if I am gay… I don’t think I will deny it. If they have to ask… then they probably already know.