I've got something to tell you...

[Yawn] I’m tired.

So, my meeting with Sara did not go as I expected it to. But then again, things like this never do. It was amazing that I actually went through with it. But now that I am writing this, I am still just overwhelmed with a flurry of emotions and thoughts and it is going to take some time to figure out just what I am think and feeling. But the overriding thing is apprehension and fear and I don’t know if this is any better than before.

As I was leaving, I got a message from Sara on the cell. Her parents may be coming up. That wasn’t good, because then how can I have a talk with her with them around? Still, I tried to shrug it off. After all, Sara did say that she was going to make sure that we did talk. When I first got there, things were completely normal. With her, I just return to my mellow self and just enjoy being with her. I didn’t just start with the heavy conversation like I planned to do. As I was sitting on the couch, I was about to, but then her parents showed up. Crap! Luckily, they knew that Sara and I had to do something so we left, going for the casino.

At the casino, I lost $4 to a slot machine. But that’s getting off to a different subject. Anyways, on the way back, I came out to her. She took it really well—almost too well. Apparently she never had the inkling that I was a homo but she wasn’t surprised either. It was basically a “You are?” We then got into trying to figure out just what label I am. I don’t find anal sex appealing—at all. I don’t like gay guys that much. I still am attracted to women. I still want to try sex with women. So what was I? Curious, bi? She said that it was possible as she thinks everyone has a bit of a gay side. If that is so, then I’m admitting to something I may not be guilty of. Still, I can’t deny that I like looking at men.

At the end of the ride, she said that this would stay between us. I hope to God that it does for now. I asked her how this made her feel about me. She said that it didn’t change anything. She still thinks of me as the same person but I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that things have changed and that it is still too early to tell.

For the rest of my time there, I hung out with her and her parents. They are really nice people. They paid for my dinner at Big Boy and a ticket to “Cursed.” They would have gotten me some Dairy Queen as well. My modest side came out and I was ashamed that they were taking such good care of me. Of course, if things were reversed, I would be doing the same thing. Let’s hope that someday it will be reversed.

I had to leave in the morning to get to MSU at a decent hour. I had one more person to visit—Moose. My former RA (or “mentor”) was going to be the second person I would come out to. It actually occurred to me, that I should see him. Unlike Sara, Moose is not a friend so he doesn’t have the capability of outing me to my social network. Yet, he’s not a stranger either. So, with my heart beating even faster then it was with Sara, I knocked on his door. Against the odds, he was there and alone. He recognized me.

“Can I talk to you for a few minutes?” I said.

He invited me in. I don’t know if he knew why I was there, but I thought it was apparent enough. Unlike with Sarah, I was pretty straightforward.

I asked, “Have I ever pinged your gaydar?”

I don’t think he even answered. All I heard from him was, “Are you?”

He had gotten it sure enough. I just nodded my head yes.

We sat there and talked about it for a while. As much as I can talk with Sarah, Jeff did have a better view of this situation. I could sense it was a bit awkward, but it was still a watershed moment. I didn’t get any new answers to trying to pin down a label for myself but it was still good to have someone to talk to. I ended up leaving with a book about relationships and he put me in contact with someone that he knows in Indiana (who did write me back in good order, by the way.)

So two people now know my secret. I honestly don’t know if I will ever come out to my family. [I will.] All I know for certain is that if I do find a girl and the relationship becomes serious, she will be told. [Which, probably won't happen.] If I do find a guy and the relationship becomes serious, he will be told—as will my family.

Going through with it.

I was able to compose myself over the last couple days and have returned to my normal self—repressing my inner most desires and thoughts. I was ready to call the whole thing off with Sara. I could operate again. But what if this happens again? I need someone to talk to. I need to be myself with someone and right now the closest thing I have is Sara. Yet, even with her, I’m not quite sure. I feel like we are two blind people that need to reach out, but are too afraid to do so. I know that there are things that she keeps from me. I know that I am not the closest person to her but I’ve got to try. So, I am still going to do this. Let’s hope that I do the right thing.

Confession

My heart is beating and I am shaking as I write this. It would probably be worse if I knew that I couldn’t just use the backspace or just delete this file. If this was a written journal where my words were written in ink, I would definitely be worse off because of what I have to say. Words can not begin to describe the terror and other assortment of feelings that I am experiencing right now. So to just put it out there right now: I’m gay.

Good God, as I look at what I just typed, I’m about to cry. I can’t stop looking back at it and just wipe it away. It looks like bullet, ready to be capped into my skull.

I’ve always known in some degree or another for as long as I can remember. And it scared the hell out of me to even think about telling my family. I’ve been raised with the belief that homosexuals were filthy, immoral, sick, sinful, and damned. So I stuffed what I was feeling deep down and tried to act as I should. As a result, I never made any friends of such a significant closeness. In my entire life, I’ve only had three. Brandon, who was there before my sexual awareness. Erin and Sara.

I fell in love with Erin and Sara and I knew that I was at least bisexual and hoped that it would be enough. I thanked God that I could fall in love with women and I could just ignore this evil side of self. But it’s no longer enough. I tried going out with Erin during my senior year of high school and it was no longer the same. We had grown into different people and as much as I wanted the Erin I knew from junior high, she had experiences and expectations that I knew I couldn’t live up to. And Sara, my God, unrequited love sucks ass. I love her as any straight man could-- both mentally, spiritually, and physically. But she doesn’t feel even an attraction to me, for when I told her my feelings for her, she brushed it off. I don’t think I’ve gotten over that.

This past year, I had more contact with open homosexuals. And I saw into their world, how happy they were and even at peace with themselves. I could also feel their pain as they tried to live that way in a society that was hurtful to them. I’ve been bitter. Bitter at the heterosexuals and the homosexuals because they were happy and I wasn’t.

My latest contemplation for suicide was yesterday. Today I took out my frustrations by punching the bed and pillows until my muscles were shaking. It is eating me up inside. I can feel myself dying a little at a time and I don’t know how much more I can take this.

I called Sara an hour ago. There is a sheet of paper taped to the wall in front of me with the number 26. In my dreams, I always knew that I would die at 26. I had always thought that it meant age 26 until I noticed that Saturday fell on the 26th. That is the day I will die. If Sara is the friend that I know and love, I will tell her my secret. She told me, years ago, that if Kevin [a mutual friend from high school] was gay, that she would still be friends with him. I need her to do that for me.

As I end this, I realize that I will be leaving this on the desktop, free for my family to read. It had been my intention that if I should ever die, then they would be able to read my journal. I love them and I couldn’t bare the thought that I would cause them grief. What I will eventually have to say to them may destroy this family. I would so much like to believe Chad and Moose that this would turn out okay but I’m not ready to make that leap. I believe that it is a very real possibility that I will be cut off from this family. If that happens, I’m not sure I have anyone in my corner… except maybe Sara.

God help me.