I need a hug.

Most people that know me don't touch me. They think that I'm not a touchy-feely person and for the most part they are right. My family isn't touchy-feely and to tell you the truth, I really don't know how to react to it. It's a subject that I've only really discussed with Erin. I love physical contact however. On the rare occasions that I experience it, I savor it like I will never have it again.

This morning, I woke up feeling so good despite the cold that I am currently suffering with. I don't remember the details of the dream that I had but what I do remember was the warmness, the love, and security. One of the guys that I knew from high school was hugging me from behind. It was strange as it was the brother of one of my classmates who I only know casually. I know that it wasn't sexual in nature. I dunno, it was more like a good friend holding on for dear life. Like he wanted to convey all those good feelings. I remember the embrace and how tight he held me. I can remember the warmth on my back and could feel his chest rise and fall with his breathing. And I could feel his face, pushed into my neck. It felt so good. I wanted it to last for much longer than I did. (I have a bad habit of waking up when I shouldn't.)

When I came out to Erin, I wanted to know if she ever suspected that I was gay. She said no, but it did shed some light on some things. One of the things was that I seemed to shy away from physical affection. Since then, she has become one of the few people who I feel comfortable around enough to touch. I still won't initiate it, but the hugs she gives are just wonderful and will always make me smile.

I really hope that I find a partner that likes to cuddle. I think it may just become an addiction of mine.

Sour balls

I'm sure that at one time in your life you lusted over a particular person... at least until you actually got to know them a little better and you realized they are not so great.

There's a particular stocker that I've fancied over the summer. His name is Andrew but I always thought of him as Hot Andrew to better differenciate him and Short Andrew. He's just under six foot, slender with runner's physique, dishwater blonde hair with blue eyes. Pure eye candy. Because of our work positions, we never interact with each other. Up until today, my whole experience of me interacting with him is summed up with, "Do you have a dime I can borrow?" I gave him my dime. At the time, I probably would have given my wallet had he asked.

Surprisingly, he was sent to the backroom to help unload a truck. I was so happy that I bumped Jamie down the line so that he could work across from me. Hey, I thought that it would be best if I trained him to correctly sort the boxes at our end. All throughout the shift, I tried talking to him. At best he would grunt affirmatives or negatives. I tried a few jokes. Nothing... more like a "just shut up. you're stupid." look. My little eye candy was not sweet at all. Dang.

At the end of the project, Sporting Goods Tim came in and talked with a group of us. He had mentioned that Cashier Jayson was going to move in with him. Not-so-Hot Andrew couldn't believe that straight Tim was going to let Gay Jayson move in with him. Jayson is one of the coolest people we have and Andrew has a problem with people helping him out?

Well, I guess I'll just have to gawk at Deli Mike a little more often.

What are the right circumstances?

Yesterday, I was going to take a HUGE step. I was going to come out to my sister. She up at university right now and I had planned to go up and meet her for dinner. Then I would have taken her to a park. I wanted to sit her down and say, "I'm gay." Or at least something similar. Then I would have given her a copy of my journal.

The decision to do this was pretty much out of the blue. I had only thought it up last Wednesday or so. Her being at school provides her, and to some extent, me, with some space to deal with my revelation. My telling her at home with the parents around might have caused some serious strain that my parents couldn't ignore.

Sadly, the plans didn't even come close to happening. First, she planned to use me as her way home for the weekend. So I wouldn't be able to tell her until I had taken her back up. Fine. I could wait a little longer. But then she finds a ride with a friend who happens to live in the area so I'm not even going to take her back up. So... no telling for now.

I'm a bit crushed actually. I had geared up for this and was let down. I'm afraid that I'm going to loose the courage that I built up to tell her. Stay tuned to see if my second attempt is more successful in a few weeks.

Journal Done

Well, all my journal entries are entered into the blog. I'm thinking about putting up links to the more important entries on my sidebar just like I did with the introduction. Also, I will be preparing a proper blogroll.

What's new?

July.

Out of Control

"Out of control, David. Out of control." Said Erin after I said that I found the perfect purple shirt to wear to the wedding and was planning on seducing her sister's date.

A little less beer at the bar next time.

What's new?

May and June

What's New?

March and April entries added.

First Step

Well, I guess it’s about time that I put in an entry. It might not make any sense at first because it is a continuation of my last “real” journal entry that probably won’t be posted for a bit yet. Sorry.

Anyways, I wish I could say that I got into contact with Moose, but I still feel very intimidated. I swear that there needs to be a gay etiquette handbook when it comes to saying things that are acceptable and things that are unacceptable or at least to be able to improve my empathic abilities. I want to shower him with a thousand apologies. I’m not getting on my knees to beg… for forgiveness I mean. Look, I’m new to this and there are things that I have no clue about and I’m going to slip up. Cut me some slack. Don’t make me feel like I can never be a good enough gay.

I am dancing for joy though about this wedding that is coming up. My date Erin, and her sister, are in the wedding. She has invited me while her sister has invited a friend of her’s. And he’s gay too. Do I smell something fishy here? Not that I wouldn’t mind of course. As of right now, Erin’s sister doesn’t know about me nor does her date. My evil side has me toying with the idea of testing his gaydar with a little subtle flirtation. My good side has me thinking that I should just slip my gender preference into a conversation as if it was widely known and not a big deal. The portion of my brain in charge of fantasy has me sweeping this guy off his feet and getting my groove on with him on the dance floor to the utter surprise of parents who have known me since I was a child. Let me tell you that last one has me tingling just thinking about it. Kate wants to see pictures. Let’s just say that I’ll give it some thought about posting it here. I wouldn’t want to disappoint anyone with my ugly mug. Lol.

This isn't working out

It’s early morning and I was getting ready to post another set of my journal entries into the blog. As I was changing out the names, I stopped and said aloud, “What am I doing?” Here I am trying to start a blog about my coming out experiences and I feel like I’m regressing. This isn’t moving forward. This isn’t even standing still. Changing names, blotting out locations, and removing passages that give clues to my identity is a lot of effort! It’s more of an effort than when I was completely in the closet. Screw this.

So I am holding my hand out to you people. Hi. My name is David. Yes that is the real one. Not Doug, or Dan or any other D name that I came up with so I could feel comfortable sending the occasional email out. Phew, now that that is out, I’m sure some of you can add a couple of leads together and come up with my full name, address, picture of my house, and probably cell number. Please don’t call me as I don’t have a lot of minutes left! And while I risk the possibility someone will google me out, I guess I’ll just deal with it as it comes up. So now, I will be going over the previous entries and correcting the names. Just give me some time and I’ll get back to posting more journal entries.

Introduction

Well let’s get this started. I’m just a regular guy that could easily get lost in a crowd—just blending into society like a “normal” person. Well, I’ve got this one secret that I’ve been keeping for a long time. So this is my blog that will chronicle my coming out of the closet.

Posts prior to this date are actually entries into my journal. They are of course edited to leave out non-pertinent information as well as to modify the names of those involved. Oh, and yes, Doug is not my real name. Those journal entries will be marked green. Anything in blue will be additional remarks or modifications not found in the original journal.

The purpose of this blog is to let me vent about my homosexual side. When the time comes, I will post a link to my real blog. I hope that whoever stumbles on this site will get something out of it. Maybe you’ll learn something. Maybe you’ll reminisce. Maybe you’ll be disgusted. Or maybe you’ll want to reach out. (If that is the case, feel free to email me.)