Table For Two Singles

My friend Erin and I went to see the new James Bond film on Friday. She and I, on occasion, go out to see a movie. Sometimes I wonder, “are we on a date?” Well, of course we’re not on a date. But for few seconds, I allow myself to dream that I can be the person that I am pressured to be. After those brief moments, I remind myself of the reality of the situation. As much as I would wish it, I am not the man for her.

It is hard to describe what I feel for her. Can I truly say that I love her? Yes. I am certain I do. But I don’t love her that way. And I know that I do not love her like I love my friends. She’s different—more special. And it confused the hell out of me during my senior year of high school when I had a real chance of dating her with a relationship in mind. In the end, I was too scared to develop it any further.

She and I went to different universities. We sorta lost touch with each other. There was an occasional email but little more. Then we reconnected and eventually became roommates for an academic year when she got a position at a hospital in Lansing. (Becoming roommates caused our parents to sweat a little.) Now after graduation, we’ve come back home and I still see her with some regularity. I must give her most of the credit when it comes to my “successes” at socializing.

Erin was the second friend that I came out to. (Third, overall.) I expected my first friend to be my support—my rock. With Erin, I figured that of all my friends, she needed to know the truth. I felt that she deserved that after what I considered putting her through. There is some regret that I did not pursue a romantic relationship with her. For the most part, I’m glad I didn’t. I never want to cause her pain. Fate spared us, at worst, a nasty break-up and years of pain.

At present, we serve as each other’s “dates” when occasion calls for it. I like it. We’re both single and it gets us doing things best not done alone. We don’t portray ourselves as a couple. So we’re not completely satisfied with it. It’ll do for now but there is an understanding that when something better comes along, we’ll meet each other under different circumstances.

On the trip back from the movies, she told me of here troubles of finding a decent guy. (Join the club.) There was this worry that she would never find him. I couldn’t think of anything to say that would cheer her up. I’m not one of those people who will say, “Don’t worry, some guy will come along.” I’ve come to the realization that the right guy might never come along for me or her. The only thing I could say was, “I have faith.”

I do have faith. Sorry if this sounds a little puffed up, but she and I are both good catches. And damn it, any guy should count themselves lucky to have us. Right now, I’m not worried too much about myself. I think I have a little more road to travel before I’m ready to start dating. As for her, she’s been ready for a while now. I hope she meets him soon. I want Erin to be happy. Even if it meant no longer going to the movies with her—I want her to live the dream that she has. The husband, the kids, the cats, all of it. And just like in the past when I heard about her boyfriend, I’ll be a little jealous. But I’ll be happy for her even more.

Yeah, I'm a Softy

It’s a couple days late but I guess it is time I weighed in on the Ted Haggard story. I avoided the subject because I had a lot of negative things to say but it was largely forced and echoed a lot of other gay authored blogs out there. There is a sort of satisfaction seeing someone like Haggard being exposed. I wanted to join the tanks of those who say Haggard got his just deserts and demonize him for being an evil Christian fundamentalist working against gays everywhere. But I can’t. You see, up until a few years ago, I was pretty much in his shoes. If Proposal 2 in Michigan came in 2002 instead of 2004, I probably would have supported the gay marriage ban. My belief in what was acceptable was different then. Well, I take that back, my views are largely the same but are…broadened. I understand him because in a lot of ways, I am just like him. I’m a conservative, Christian republican—labels that turn many gays off.

Even though I do hate him just a little, I mainly feel sorry for Haggard. But don’t get me wrong, I am extremely disappointed that he was cheating on his wife with a hooker and doing drugs. (I think it is fair that he went beyond “experimenting” and is, in fact, attracted to men.) I think that he deserved to getting fired and I think that he got off light. But I stop there. I don’t want the man to suffer any more than he has to. I actually hope that he can come to terms with who he is. Self-hatred tends to be bring out self-destruction. I understand the desire to see this man grovel, but I would also hope that the gay community would accept time. Providing, of course, that he drops his anti-homosexuality stance. Sadly, I don’t see that happening for both sides.

This has also got me thinking about another topic—outing. I won’t do it. The first guy I came out to also said that he doesn’t out people. That gave me the courage to come out to him. I felt that I had a safe environment. I want every person to have that safety as well. For a while, I applied that to literally everyone. Under no circumstances is it appropriate to out someone.

Last year, there was a big debate raging on some blogs about Mike Rogers and John Avarosis who were intent on exposing gay republicans. The purpose was to do damage to the Republican Party by destroying credibility. Basically the argument was that if you work against gay rights, you deserved to be outed. “Working against” included working for the party. It didn’t matter if your involvement was not directly tied to policies dealing with homosexuals. Because the party platform is seen to be hostile to gays, working for the party also means that you are also working against gays. “If you’re not with us, you’re against us,” argument. (Great, I can’t believe I just wrote that.)

Immediately, I condemned the tactics. And as a person who has worked in a republican office, I was horrified. Look, I know that working for the Republican Party seems wrong and I realize that if I was outed, any future career prospects would become limited. Yet, even though I had nothing to with legislation, I could be targeted.

Lately, I’ve begun to crack on that. With Haggard, Foley, McGreevy, and so on, I no longer feel the need to protect them from people who want to expose them. As a celebrity or a politician, you have no expectation to privacy. Everyone is going to be up in your business. It comes with being in the public eye. So with Haggard, sure I can put on a little smirk. He preached against gays by day and had gay sex by night. He got called on it and I’m glad that it happened. But when it comes to the three that I just mentioned, I think it is sad that we grew up in a society that makes us feel ashamed to be what we are. It is that self-loathing that causes us to choose something that we think is right rather than something that is right.

We are all human. I’m not going to waste my time or energy hating someone who went along a path I nearly took. I won’t excuse his actions but I won’t turn my back on him. In the latest news articles, Haggard admits to sexual immorality, indicating that he still believes that homosexuality is a sin. If and when he finally makes that realization, I’ll still have hope that he finds what he has been looking forward to all along.

We don’t need to tear down the opposition. I think it is better to win the argument.