Let's pretend nothing happened.
My sister has been home for a few days now. She is on her spring break from Western. I have never felt more distant from her than I do right now. We’ve barely said anything to one another. I don’t know what affect my coming out has done to us. It seems that it, along with her college life, has pulled us apart. A few weeks ago, I looked at her online blog. She doesn’t know that I read it. In it, she described how much of a pain I was to her during Christmas time. She described me as “angry” and that while she knew what my problem was, she didn’t excuse it. I never thought that I come off as “angry.” I can see where I am a nuisance or a pest because I know how to push her buttons just like she knows how to push mine. To other people though, we’re complete angels. But I took it as my clue to back off and I have. We haven’t talked since Christmas up until now.
Messing with the family dynamic is something that I desperately want to avoid. It is the sole reason why I’ve been staying in the closet. You know how there are families that are incredibly close? Big families that are emotional, yet bonded. They come together for big meals to spread the family news (err… gossip). While they may act crazy at some surprising news, they end up weathering it out. Well mine isn’t. I actually think of it as very fragile. We are not close. It’s that simple. We’re cool and distant. I hardly ever see my aunts or uncles. I haven’t really talked to my cousins in years. I remember my Dad saying, “I love you,” to me only twice. The last one sounding forced. My step mother, who I consider my full-fledged mother, has never said it. It’s not that we don’t love each other. It’s just that we are horribly retarded when it comes to expressing ourselves. At least, that’s what I always tell myself. My family is all that I have. If I loose them, I will be lost. And the way my parents act when it comes to homosexuals, it’s not encouraging.
A while ago I told Erin that I wished I could cut myself off from my family. Just leave and start a new life. As soon as I said it, I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe that I said that. These are my parents, my sister. They are all I’ve known and I can’t leave them. As much as they are keeping me back, I can’t go forward without them. So, I constantly torture myself as to what I should be doing, what risks I should be taking,--constantly ending up back at square one.
posted by David @ 8:54 AM
6 Comments:
Wow. Yeah, our family situations seem quite opposite but yet very similar. My extended family are all very close and bonded but are very dynamic and unique sepatarely. It's like the only thing that holds it together is family love.
I don't really have any advice on the matter and my opinions on it really wouldn't be helpful. It's a touch situation and I can see why it frustrates you.
^I was going to come back and erase this post when I saw that you already made a comment. I guess it’s too late now. :P It’s actually embarrassing and I feel like some sad person looking for sympathy. The fact that I actually have some readers (beyond Kate) has been driving me away from what this blog was originally intended- a sort of therapy where I could write down my thoughts on my gay life and the coming out process. This is getting back to that and having people see something so personal it’s a bit embarrassing. But that’s not to say that I don’t want visitors or not read what they have to say. Otherwise, it was stupid of me to have started this thing. But please, feel free to say anything.
Hello!
Writing personal stuff on a blog is very hard (as you can see I rarely if ever do even though my blog is semi-anonymous!) You shouldn't be embarrassed though, I think its very brave.
It may take some time for your sister to come round, but as you say in your last paragraph, she's your family and I'd have thought she would be ultimately as unwilling to pull away from you as you are from her. She might be using her blog the same way you are using yours - to work through the way she's feeling right now.
My thoughts are with you.
Thanks Kate. I hope that she comes out of it alright. She's gone back to Western a few minutes prior to me writing this. I'll think about posting something in the next few days.
first of all, let me say that you will probably be surprised by how they react. second of all, I don't know if you are prepared to cut yourself off from your family, but you should be aware that it may be a real possibility that it doesn't go well, and you should definitely be prepared for the worst; it makes for less negative surprises.
I hope it works out for you; my family is pretty distant, and I never know what they are really thinking, but they SEEM to be okay with it; but honestly, I don't care if they are or aren't, that is their loss, not mine. I guess since that is the way I feel about it, I have a pretty unique perspective... Oh well, I hope it goes well in the end... just be prepared.
Duane, I've pretty much decided that I won't tell them until I am completely prepared. I do have a place to go if I am cut off from my family, but I'm not going to do that unless things get really bad.
I wish I could say that I didn't care what other people think. But what my family thinks does weigh heavily on my heart. If it means that I will have to seperate from my family, I think I could take the step. I would take that step. I'd rather not have to confront that decision right now, though.
Thanks for dropping by and commenting!
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