I can't be happy when I think you're wrong.
Ugh. Sorry, I haven't got back. I haven't been feeling well enough to post but I have been around the blog neighborhood. The fact that I've been in bed for the past few days also hasn't prevented me from being involved in more drama. Out of respect, I can't blog about the details. But it has got me thinking on the subject of judgment.
As a gay person, I would hope that the friends, family, and people in general wouldn't be judgmental. Well, I wrote a letter to a friend who I feel is making unwise choices and told her so. Lately, things have just been getting worse and I couldn't tell her that I was happy with what was going on. I fear that she may have taken it to me that I am judging her. Well, there is truth to it and I fear that she's going throw that right back in my face because she claims that she doesn't judge me. But my sexuality and what she is doing is different. Then again, I keep thinking, maybe it isn't.
I called her last night to make sure that there wasn't any miscommunication between her and I. I ended up leaving a voice mail. I don't like it when friends get into a messes like this and I definitely hate it when I am in it too. So far, she hasn't bothered to respond. Well after half a year of the same treatment, why should I be surprised?
Just because I think she's making wrong choices doesn't mean that I don't love her or want what is best for her. How do you make a person understand that?
posted by David @ 4:18 PM
4 Comments:
You can't.
You can say it (although I would avoid saying she's making "wrong" choices--it's a loaded word...it might be best to say something like, "I'm concerned about some of the choices you're making") but you can't make them believe it. Your actions will ultimately go a long way toward showing them your intentions.
Be supportive. Sometimes you have to let people make those mistakes and the best thing you can do as a friend is to be there to help pick up the pieces if it blows up. If you've stated your case, you don't have to support decisions you think that are harmful but you should be prepared to help them get out of a bad situation if it comes along. (The hardest part will be NOT saying, "I told you so." I have such a tough time with that one...)
But don't let someone else's self-destruction drag you down too. I don't know how serious these problems are but if there's danger involved and she's not listening to a caring friend, you may just have to take a step backward and let whatever happens happen.
But what do I know? I'm so much better at Friendship Theory than Friendship Practice. Those who can,do. Those who can't, blog about what others should do.
I've been staying out of her business for past half-year and I've reached that point where I just want to throw my hands up in the air and be done with her. It's tough.
About letting someone else's self destruction dragging me down, another friend has pretty much told me the same thing. It's not worth it letting it affect my life. Easier said than done, however. Still, I'll keep the door open for her.
I was in a similar situation where a good friend and I had some miscommunication and things just escalated. I think it is just very important that you make it clear your concerns and assure her that you'll still be there for her. Unless these choices are contrary to your morals or whatever.. then I don't know if cutting her loose is the best option. You may be her only voice of reason.
^
Every now and then-- about once every two weeks, I call her to see how she's doing. In the past six months, I've connected with her only a few times but we never met up. It seemed that we have gotten into a pattern where I'm the one reaching out and she's not responding.
I don't want to be a person that drops a friend because it's convenient. I care for each and every one of them but I can't be dragged into this drama. I may be a cynical SOB, but this is just too negative for me.
I've been that friend who got into the problem and I got burned. Despite the warnings that I got from our mutual friends, I got burned.
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