What was that about?
My dreams are nothing remarkable. Actually, I hardly remember them. So I don’t give much thought about what goes on in my subconscious. (I think I would prefer not to know.) A couple nights ago, I had one that I remember and I have been wondering what it means—if anything.
The setting is wedding of Craig and his girlfriend Stacey. Unless you are a keen observer of my life, you may not know that Craig and I used to go to high school. His brother, Kevin, and I were in the same class. Stacey went to a neighboring town and with my friend Erin. Erin and I are at the wedding as well as Kevin and his boyfriend.
Other than Erin (and a few other people I didn’t mention), I’m not out to anyone there. If this were happening in real life, the only reason I would be there would probably be as Erin’s date. Craig and I aren’t close enough where I would actually be invited to a wedding. But Erin might be close enough to Stacey to be invited.
Sufficiently confused yet? Sorry.
My dream sequence skips the ceremony and I start at the reception. Everything is going great. In fact, it feels a lot like Carrie and Justin’s wedding a few months ago. I’m having fun and I am catching up with Chris and Nathan (some old classmates). We are standing in a group talking when I look past them and I see Kevin with his boyfriend. I feel kind of bad because he has pretty much been ostracized from the rest of the gang. I don’t know if his being gay had anything to do with it, but I suspect that it played a part of it. Truthfully, I don’t know about the real-life reasons as to why this is so but I’ll leave it at that. His being Craig’s brother is pretty much the only reason he is at the wedding, at least in my unconscious mind.
I’m torn as to whether I want to approach him or not. For a while, I’ve wanted to talk to him and see how he is doing down in Florida. But there is the nagging fear that maybe he will find me out. Having Craig and the others find out about me is not a good thing and so I decide to hold back.
Towards the end of the night, I walk up to his table. He’s sitting there watching the people on the dance floor. His boyfriend is gone for the moment.
“Hey Kevin,” I say.
He barely lifts up his head and I can see from his facial expression that he is surprised that I am talking to him.
“Hey,” he says and motions me to sit down.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am horrible with conversations but I try to make one with him and it comes off awkward as hell. I’m trying to find something interesting, trying to get glimpses into his life while tiptoeing around things that might out me. Eventually, we start getting more comfortable and soon I don’t care what may or may not give me away. Just as I was about to say something that would tip him off, I am stopped by the sudden reappearance of his boyfriend. After a brief introduction, he takes Kevin to the dance floor but he looks back at me over his shoulder and gives me the look of he’s mine.
I’m kind of insulted. I have no interest in Kevin and was only reaching out to him because he is the only gay guy that I know. (Okay, that’s not totally true but Moose is up at State doing his own thing, and I am not associated anymore with the guys back at my previous job.) I watch the two of them dance and while I feel a pang of jealousy, it’s more about having a relationship than having it with one of them.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look up and I see Erin. She sits herself down and together we watch the crowd. Then the dream fuzzes out.
Over the past couple days, I have been asking myself quite a bit of questions.
Would I be able to risk letting Craig know?
Can I honestly expect hold back the truth? So many people know already.
Why should I care about hiding myself from Chris and Nathan?
Is this dream about coming out and indicator of how I feel about it?
Why should I feel this compulsion to talk to Kevin, a guy who I have not heard from in six years?
Is there something more? After all, his boyfriend gave me that look.
How does Erin fit into this? Is she my support?
…And who the hell decided to have a wedding reception in a high school gym?
posted by David @ 11:01 AM
2 Comments:
I guess my return question for you is: what is there to gain from telling someone you barely know? If you say something and it doesn't go well, you have the stress of dealing with someone you barely like being a jerk (or maybe that's just me... I tend to let the opinions of people who don't matter matter) and then that person being an uber jerk by saying things to people you're not ready to have know.
Unless I'm totally missing the point in what you're saying. It might seem easier to do "coming out trial runs" with insignificant people but I suspect it might be more of a headache (and more of a risk) in the long run.
I'm the wrong person to dole out coming out advice. I basically started with my parents and worked my way down through my close friends. After everyone I gave a damn about knew, I really didn't care about anyone else.
^
It’s not that I don’t mind telling strangers. One of the biggest chuckles I get is from my being more honest with strangers than with my own family. In some respects, you know more about me than my own parents. On the face of it, it seems so wrong. Your parents are supposed to know you better than you know yourself. Telling any of those guys there isn’t the problem, it’s what they do with that information that worries me. They are in a social network in which my parents are a part of. If they start blabbing it around it will get to my parents. It’s a control issue. I want to be the one who tells my parents.
I hate the fact that I feel the need to hide my orientation from my parents. I’m not at the point where I feel safe. “Safe” is probably too strong a word as I am certain my father isn’t going to shoot me. But it definitely won’t be pretty for me or anyone else around when it does happen. I want to make sure that the consequences of whatever happens is something that I can bare and that I can do it alone. I’m not there yet.
I’m glad that you were able to start with your parents. I wish I could have done that but I found that I needed to have a support system first. So I began with friends who I was fairly certain weren’t homophobic. As I mentioned in my first or second journal entry, Sara had said that even if (a mutual friend) was gay, it wouldn’t change anything with her. She would still be friends with him. That statement meant everything to me. If I had started with my parents, it would have been too chaotic to start building that support.
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