26

One year ago, I came out to someone for the very first time. It was my friend, Sara. At the time, I considered her my closest friend. I thought that I could tell her and that of all the people that I knew, she would not have turned her back on me. I’d be lying if I said that my confidence in her was solid, though. Still, I got through it and the event itself was rather positive. I was glad that I told her. The next day, I also came out to my former mentor at State who had a much better understanding of what I was going through. Since it is an anniversary of sorts, I sent them both Thank-You cards in the mail. They should have arrived yesterday or will tomorrow. I felt that I needed to tell them how much I appreciated them for just listening to me. There have been so many people that have affected my life and I never did thank them for it. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t miss this one.

Since today is Sunday, I thought that I would go to church. I thought it might be good to have a little self-reflection. I know that it sounds odd that a gay guy would seek out some comfort in a church that preaches against homosexuality. Still, I can not deny that my faith in God is still a large part of my identity. I would also admit that I have been avoiding church as much as possible because while I’m there, I still carry on as if I was different. Shortly after coming out to Sara last year, I decided that I would no longer take communion. This decision was made because in order to take communion within the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod, you have to believe all of what the church teaches. As a person who now holds a different “confession” than the church, I am disqualified from participating in the Eucharist. This hasn’t gone unnoticed by my family of course. The first time I did it—it was rough. They asked why and I only gave them a partial answer. Even today, I could see the disappointment in their faces. Luckily, they no longer push me to tell them more.

Cry baby

I generally try to avoid politics on this blog for the obvious reason but something happened yesterday. I got into a free speech argument with someone and I did not expect him to take the position that he did. I’m sure you are aware of the two pieces of news that have been going around the last couple weeks: the Danish Cartoons, and the writer who was imprisoned by Austria for denying the holocaust. Despite the Danish cartoonists and that writer being stupid, I saw these cases as free speech issues. The Danes and the writer had a right to say what they did. Of course, I say this with the American idea of free speech.

“If you live in Austria you have to respect their law, stupid or not. It’s that simple. If you don’t like it, you can leave.”

That is an absurd line of thought. A stupid law is a stupid law and should not be left on the books, much less be obeyed. Before Lawrence, were we supposed to not have sex just because there was a law on the books? Were blacks supposed to accept school segregation before Brown? Or what about women’s suffrage? Prohibition? Slavery? The Austrian law prohibits the denying of the holocaust. But that’s a censoring of political speech. It’s putting forth an idea. As much as I hate to use the slippery-slope argument, but if a legislature is allowed to censor one area of political speech (denial of the holocaust), what can stop them from censoring another (dissent to the party in power)?

In the end he said that the cartoonist and writer were both in the wrong because their speech was “dangerously provocative.” It invited violence. Clearly, he is right—the result of their publishing was violence. However, whatever happened to blaming the actual perpetrators of violence? The cartoonists didn’t tell the mobs to burn down embassies and kill westerners (as well as their own people). The writer didn’t tell Christians to start attacking Jews again.

It’s just crazy to me that we are being expected not to “offend” anybody.

I lost my temper.

I’m feeling kind of bad right now. Things kind of got a little heated and I came close to outing myself. If I had, I think I would be more ashamed because I would have done it out of anger. Erin had called me and I talked with her while my parents were in the room. I wasn’t expecting to have a long conversation with her; otherwise I would have gone to my room for a more private conversation. I was invited to a dinner party for a mutual friend. Now, living in such a small community the five degrees of separation is even more apparent. It’s complicated, but at the dinner party will be a guy that I know from high school. I wouldn’t say we are friends but we know each other pretty well. He doesn’t know I am gay unlike most of the other people at the dinner party. I told Erin, “Well, I’m going to have to keep my mouth shut.” Meaning, I will have to closet myself there. To keep the conversation away from that, I told her that my parents were in the room. When the call was over, my Dad looked at me weird and we started to have a heated argument as to why I wouldn’t speak of something in their presence. Apparently they think that I go around talking shit about people and that their presence was why I wasn’t saying anything bad over the phone. My dad even said, “We haven’t raised you right.” I was pissed. Frankly, I think that they did a great job raising me. He kept on talking, making me feel small.

“Dad!” I interrupted. “You don’t know the whole story! There are things between my friends and I that I don’t want you to know about. I’m not going to talk about it with you guys here.” I yelled a little more and left the room.

Someone to watch for.

Connor Trinneer will be on the upcoming episode of Stargate: Atlantis. Woo hoo!

Now I can dream about the good times with Enterprise...

Valentine’s Day Revisited

Alright, I know that I am a couple days late for this but I just read an email and it prompted me to make this post. But I’ll get to that in a few. First thing I want to get off my chest is “VD.” Throughout my blog-hopping, I’ve been seeing the same thing over and over again—Happy VD! VD?! Maybe it’s just me but I really hate having to constantly remind myself that VD is a good thing. Because, oh, I don’t know, ever since sex ed., I’ve thought of VD as something you wanted to avoid. Use a condom. Ask for your partner’s history. Get tested. Blah, blah. So when someone said, “I hate VD,” I just nodded in agreement. After all, I hate venereal diseases too.

I’ve never had a girlfriend during Valentine’s and you could probably imagine that I’m a little bitter about the holiday. I’m not. I like Valentine’s Day. Okay, so I concede, maybe I hate it a little… but only because I don’t have anyone to share it with. But in general I like it because it gives me an excuse to do something nice. (Yes, it’s very uncharacteristic of me. Lol. Shut-up, B.) But if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to write about my own secret misery that accompanies this day.

I am aware of the real possibility that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Not alone as in I will be completely cut off socially, but alone in the way that I will not have that significant other. Even among the straights, there are people who will never find the right person. Because of who I am, the odds are…well, extreme. It’s not just being gay. But it’s being somewhat shy, a little geeky as well as dorky, and having a very traditional view of relationships. Take for instance, the idea of an open relationship. It’s something that I’ve seen other bloggers write about. You know, if it works for them, that’s all fine and good. Whatever, but it’s just not for me. Even the idea of dating, having sex, moving in, breaking up, and moving on within the time span of months is enough to make me uncomfortable. Believe me, I’m not trying to say that this is common behavior, but it’s just adding to my own worries, that there really isn’t a person for me out there. It’s not that I am expecting the perfect guy to come along, but it does appear that I am setting myself for a permanent table for one. I still have a ways to go before worrying about that though.

Anyways, the reason which prompted this post was that I sent out Valentine’s cards to some of my friends. Four of them: Erin, Season, Sara, and Renee. Remember in elementary where we passed out those cheap Valentine’s Day cards to everyone in class? I secretly liked it. I think we stopped in fifth grade and I haven’t done it since. But since my friends are single, (Well, Sara is arguable not, but that’s a whole different ball of wax.) I thought that I would send them one of those little cards just like we did in elementary along with a little note. Hopefully it would at least put a smile on their face. Well, I got something from one of them.

Just a little while ago, I checked my email. In the inbox was a message from Sara addressed to her friends. It was titled “Happy Valentine’s Day.” I opened it only to discover an adamant, “I hate Valentine’s Day.” It probably wasn’t in response to my own card, but I was heartily offended. I know, being single on this day sucks. Out of all five of us, however, she was the one who had least cause to complain. She’s got her boy toy. What the hell is she bitching about? I could go into a big tirade over it, but she kind of sapped the little joy I had in holiday.

No, I don’t hate the day. I don’t mope about wondering why I don’t have a boyfriend to share it with. I look it as a day where I can do a little something for the girl friends that I do have. ‘Cause us singles need to be reminded that having a partner isn’t something we need to kill ourselves over. The mere fact that you have friends is enough to appreciate, and you should show some love for them too.

I'm only a visitor. Please don't stare.

Blogger just fucked me over. I had a nice post about my trip to State yesterday and it's all gone. And I'm too lazy to write all about it again.

Basically, I had a great time there. In addition to all the law school stuff, I saw some of my co-workers at the House of Reps and my friend Dusty.

From what I learned, I do have a shot of getting in to MSU Law. As someone had said before, it's going to be all about my LSAT score. I need to have it in the high 150's. 160 is where I want it to be if I hope to start getting assistance.

I'm not as afraid of going to law school. During the class visitations, the lectures seemed to be manageable. I even learned a couple things despite unknown terms being tossed left and right. So, this is looking more and more real. :)

The BSG termination *Spoilers Possible*

Last night I watched the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics, but I never want to miss an episode of Battlestar Galactica. So I taped it and I have just finished watching it. --What the fuck? They killed off the character of Billy Keikeya, the assistant to President Roslin. Why am I pissed off?

First of all, this show has been killing off people left and right. At the rate they are killing each other, the Cylons only have to sit back and let the humans do all the dirty work.

Billy was one of those characters that I actually liked. All of the main characters have huge issues. Then there are those like Billy, Duala, and Tyrol which have a sense of normalcy--the kind of people that you would meet in the streets. I liked that.

Then there was the romance between Billy and Duala. They were the lone bubble of what the fleet was heading to. They were the hope and they ruined that. What was the point of shifting the positive perceptions of these two into negative ones? Both doing something stupid.

Also, Billy was the future. He was supposed to be the President of the Colonies. He was supposed to be the Joshua to Roslin's Moses.

What crap.

needless, but...

I wouldn’t say that I’m a Will & Grace fan. The only two characters that I look forward to seeing is Jack and Karen. It’s funny, but there are only so many gay jokes I can take before I loose interest. Another thing, I suppose, is that I don’t identify with any of the characters unlike Crumbs—but the show sucks. But, I have been watching it for the past few weeks; enough to see the character of Taye Diggs become the love interest of Will. But the reason why this particular post came up was because Season was saying something about it at work today. She thinks he’s hot. I think not.

Aside from the smile, I think he looks a little distorted and…. Hmmm… modelish? Sure models, are hot and everything but honestly I don’t think I would really go for that kind of guy. No, I would definitely have gone for the cop. He looks so much more human as well as acting. His little awkwardness was endearing. This new guy seems too perfect. Too hot. And that just turns me off from him. Is it because of my own insecurities, my feelings of inadequacy? That certainly has something to do with it. I certainly don’t want to feel the need to compete. I want something that complements.

When I look at all the guys that I have had significant crushes over, they have all had something that I lacked. Heterosexuality seemed to be the dominant trait… but I digress. Honestly there have only been a few guys that I pined for and they couldn’t be more different from each other if they tried. So, I’m completely lost as to what kind of guy I should be looking out for. But to nip this post in the bud, I’m not going to worry about it right now. As I have said before, although I want a relationship, I am not ready for one. I can not offer someone what they deserve. The big part of that is truth. I’m trying to make the right decisions and doing it carefully because I am not out to hurt anyone. For at least a while, I am a mess that needs a little sorting out. Luckily I have a couple good friends that are guiding me on my way. For that, I am eternally thankful.

This post resembles nothing like it was intended for.

And… how did Grace get pregnant?

Just a little taste

I got a message back from the MSU College of Law. I am scheduled to visit on the 14th! As soon as I got off the phone, I was jumping around like a monkey. I don't know why, it wasn't like I was accepted or anything. Still, I was majorly psyched.

My agenda for the day includes class visitations for Contracts and for Properties. I would have liked to do Constitutional Law, but that class was on a different day. However, since I am thinking about family law, it turned out well that I got those two classes. Then there is a tour of the college followed by a meeting with the Asst. Dean of Admissions. Busy busy from 10am till 4pm.

Where am I now?

The one year anniversary of my private little meltdown and eventual coming out to the first person is coming up soon. The number 26 is still above my desk as I am writing this. It’s been there for almost a year, reminding me that I had to do what I did. One year later, am I at the place where I thought I'd be? Hell no. In fact, I’m still in the middle of the two places that I would be—still in the closet or completely out. It’s pretty much down to my family (minus my sister) who don’t know. Everyone else knows or is fair game. I’ve been giving some thought on taking up Erin’s offer to move in with her. I’ve pretty much come to the decision that I am not going to tell my parents—specifically my father. Quite frankly, I am afraid of what will happen to me and anyone else around when he finds out. Better have some place to go should I end up on my ass. So, there is sooner which would mean scraping by paycheck to paycheck with Erin. Then there is later which would allow me to go to law school but I would be looking another year and half before I can be myself. I don’t think I can last that long.

In a few weeks I will be sending out two cards for Sara and Moose. I want to show my appreciation for just listening to me and for everything they did afterwards. Throughout the year, people have come and gone. Some supportive. Some not. At least I could take something from each of those experiences—knowing who true friends were and how some people really felt about gays. In some ways, it’s a whole new world and in some ways it’s the same. I dunno, it’s like running on a track. I’m still running the same race; it’s just that I switched lanes. Does that make any sense?

I don’t know what this next year will be like. Maybe it will be better. Who knows? Small steps forwards—but at least forward moving.

What's this weird number on Caller ID?

See also: John

Late last night I got a call from Lee. Lee is my friend from Korea (It's better in his book if you drop the "South"). He spent a semester or two at Michigan State but I didn't meet him there. I met him at the University of the Philippines Los Banos where he was spending a month with another mutual friend. Okay--it's complicated. Suficely to say, we hung out. My best times in the Philippines were with him and John (again, see that post.) Anyways, out of the blue, he calls me on my phone. Mind you, we haven't talked in two years and our last email was a good couple of months ago.

So I'm sitting there thinking, why the hell is he calling me. His phone bill is going to take a hit. Not really-- he was calling for work. Ah nice, Lee, you want to get fired don't you? I can't recall exactly who he works for. I want to say General Electric. It's got to be gruelling because he's at the office at 7am and definitely doesn't leave until after 5pm. But he's doing well. He told me that he was going back to the Philippines in a few weeks for his vacation. I told him that he should plan one for 2011, which is the earliest I can expect to be out there. Some other things were said, but it's not necessary to bring it up here.

That picture you see is when we went bar crawling one night. We went to this one called Miguel's which has karaoke with drag queens. Lee didn't quite get it and we had to explain the true nature of the person you see beside him. You should have seen his face. We hadn't met John by this time but we wanted to bring him there. Someone squealed and John refused to go. But as you can see, even Lee had a blast! I just wish I could have recorded a movie of his singing. LOL. (You've heard of William Hung right? Right.)

In a holding pattern

Well, there's not much going on here. I'm still waiting on a few life-altering calls and emails. Otherwise, it's get up, eat, do whatever, go back to sleep, and do it all over again. But here's a few snippets:

If I join the LDS Church, I could save over $30,000 dollars in tuition! Evil reason to join... I know.

I was IM'd by one of my friends who I met when we were in the College Republicans. He was asking me what did I think of the State of the Union speech. I said that it's a good thing that I'm not watching, I would have to do too many shots! It's a bunch of boring fluff. Yeah, he wasn't impressed.

Are any of you readers on Facebook? I was going through a search through my high school to see who else from there was on. (I was looking for new people to add.) One girl there must absolutely hate me. She added everyone in my class, the class above, and the class below me. Not me though. It's because I didn't think that she would make a good town council woman. Most people that I've talked to feel the same way. It's just that I actually wrote about it and she found out.

I hear that we are in for a deep freeze here in the Mid-West. It's been so freakin' warm though! I love global warming.

Found out that a certain cute guy that I've been running into every now and then is straight. I'm telling you, God must've missed me when he was handing out the gaydar equipment.