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One year ago, I came out to someone for the very first time. It was my friend, Sara. At the time, I considered her my closest friend. I thought that I could tell her and that of all the people that I knew, she would not have turned her back on me. I’d be lying if I said that my confidence in her was solid, though. Still, I got through it and the event itself was rather positive. I was glad that I told her. The next day, I also came out to my former mentor at State who had a much better understanding of what I was going through. Since it is an anniversary of sorts, I sent them both Thank-You cards in the mail. They should have arrived yesterday or will tomorrow. I felt that I needed to tell them how much I appreciated them for just listening to me. There have been so many people that have affected my life and I never did thank them for it. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t miss this one.
Since today is Sunday, I thought that I would go to church. I thought it might be good to have a little self-reflection. I know that it sounds odd that a gay guy would seek out some comfort in a church that preaches against homosexuality. Still, I can not deny that my faith in God is still a large part of my identity. I would also admit that I have been avoiding church as much as possible because while I’m there, I still carry on as if I was different. Shortly after coming out to Sara last year, I decided that I would no longer take communion. This decision was made because in order to take communion within the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod, you have to believe all of what the church teaches. As a person who now holds a different “confession” than the church, I am disqualified from participating in the Eucharist. This hasn’t gone unnoticed by my family of course. The first time I did it—it was rough. They asked why and I only gave them a partial answer. Even today, I could see the disappointment in their faces. Luckily, they no longer push me to tell them more.
2 Comments:
Faith in regards to homosexuality is often difficult to balance. I know a lot of people who will tell you that the only reason we seek out monogamous relationships is because we were raised in a heterosexual tradition that supports that. And most heterosexual traditions are religion based.
But I know that I want a monogamous relationship because the idea of one true love is far more romantic to me than just sticking it to whatever piece of meat comes along (yep, I like romance...shoot me now). Similarly, I know that my thoughts on religion are not linked to my sexual identity by necessity. It's something I've carefully thought about and chosen what works best for me, in terms of a belief structure.
Kudos on the anniversary. It's a big thing.
^My faith in God is part of my identity as much as my sexuality and the only reason they clash is because of the interpreation of the physical church here on Earth.
I've heard that argument regarding monogamous relationships and I can't help feeling that it is an excuse to indulge in debauchery. (Oh, doesn't that sound religious.) Maybe they are right. Perhaps it is conditioning. But like you, I want something more than just sex and passing interest. For me, it's a very lonely life to go through relationship after relationship where you're only taking something out of it. A partner, for me, would be someone to live with and for--to make our lives better.
If heterosexual marriages are only intented for offspring... then why do some couples refrain from having children? There's something more than just procreation.
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