John

I don’t why I am doing this but after seeing another blogger write something deeply personal, I felt compelled to write about something close to my own heart.

Back in 2003, I was the lone American at the University of the Philippines, Los Banos. In the previous years, MSU and the University of Wisconsin sent students so there was always at least two Americans there. That year, I was the only one sent. At first I thought I would be fine, but eventually I got homesick.

After a few weeks, I saw a blonde guy sitting in the dorm commons reading a newspaper. I assumed it was another foreign researcher for the International Rice Research Institute or perhaps it was one of those elusive French men that I had heard about. It was a good week until I saw him again. Then one night, my friend Lee, who is from Korea, joined me in the dorm lounge to watch some TV. The guy who I had seen earlier sopped by to say hello. Apparently he and Lee met the night before. After hearing his accent, I knew he was an American and I asked him where he was from (Iowa.) At first, John looked like he was shocked that this pudgy Filipino had such a good Mid-Western accent. I learned that he was a student from Wabash College in Indiana and that he was going to be around for two months for an internship with IRRI.

Is internship required him to do field work elsewhere in the country but I looked forward to him coming back because he was pretty much my connection back to the States. We hung out, went to the bars, traveled around, and whatnot. I began to develop feelings for him-the depth of which I didn’t know until he left.

It may not have appeared so on the surface, but we were so alike it was weird. Sitting side by side we were two guys raised in conservative, Lutheran homes, both interested in religion and politics, both virgins, neither with girlfriends of any significance, with a tendency to get involved in topics of sex and sexuality. I began to wonder about his sexuality. Warning bells? His admission to the sized of his equipment—which could not have been exaggerated, his asking of my measurements, his description of homoerotic stunts he pulled as he was pledging and during his time as a brother, and his interest in homosexuality in the U.S., Japan, and in the Philippines.

One of my fondest memories occurred when there was a brown-out in the night. John and I had a long conversation in complete darkness. I could not see him, it was that dark. We just talked and listened. I didn’t want the power to come back on.

Towards the end of his internship, he and Lee decided to go to Batangas and hit the beach. I became insanely jealous. Really. I couldn’t control it. I remember sitting in my room asking myself why I cared so much. Fortunately (for me) a typhoon (hurricane for those by the Atlantic) was bearing down which caused them to cancel their plans. I was overjoyed yet felt guilty about it at the same time.

On the night before he was set to leave, we made plans to go to the bar but before we left to do that, I gave him something special. Let me explain: When I was young, my father was in the Air Force, so we moved often. One of the things that I did was to give something that was important to me to one of my friends. I would never see them again so I wanted them to have something that was cherished by me. I have given away my geo-crystal, my blue-lion Voltron toy, and a mini toy wagon. I didn’t bring much to the Philippines with me except for two detachment coins which I obtained when I was in Air Force ROTC. It probably looked a little ridiculous but I gave him my “Fighting Terrorism” coin. That coin was the last thing that I got from AFROTC when all that 9-11 stuff was happening. I hoped that he would keep it safe and remember me.

The next morning I watched him leave. I watched him until he walked out of sight. When it was over, I went to my room and cried. Hard. I have NEVER done this for anyone—EVER. I cried because he was gone. I cried because I liked him. I cried because I had feelings for a guy. But I didn’t care. For those few moments, I quit the denial. I quit the denial.

The last I heard from him, he was in NYC, I think working for a conservative paper. I think about him often. Note that I never said that John is gay but there was enough for me to work with to think that he was and that maybe things could have been… different.

Concluding thoughts:
This post does not intend to say that John is, in fact gay, but only that it is my wishful thinking.

If, by some really intensive ego-surfing, John has come to this blog and reads this—Surprise! I hope that I haven’t made you too uncomfortable. I thought that there was enough ambiguity that no one would be able to positively identify you. I guess I was wrong if you managed to get here. If you wish, I will take this down if you so request it.

I was going to put up a picture of him, but I felt that it would have been wrong and that people might make wishful assumptions like I have.

Those two months that I spent with John and Lee were the best out the whole experience.