My CD of the year

I wouldn’t describe myself as a big music guy but I would say that music does affect me in quite a big way. I don’t know what it is about some of the songs that I hear, but there are just some that immediately trigger a memory. You would think that the lyrics of the songs can make it particularly meaningful. It’s not true with me. A song could probably be about dumping a boyfriend but I’ll associate it with TP’ing a teacher’s house. As I was cleaning my room a couple days ago (believe me, it almost gave my mom a heart attack), I came across an unmarked CD-R. I knew that it was burned so I popped it into my stereo and the memories came flooding back.

I made this CD back in February, probably the night before I drove up to see Sara and out myself for the very first time. The first four I had been listening to on my computer around the time that I had my nervous breakdown. I cried myself over “Hallelujah” and especially “Fly.” Not wanting to listen to talk radio on my way up, I burned this:

You’re So True by Joseph Arthur
Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows
The Weight by The Band
Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright
Across the Universe by Fiona Apple
It’s Raining Men by Gerri Halliwell
Fly by Nick Drake
Inner Smile by Texas
Generation by Emerson Hart
74-75 by The Connels
Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day
It’s My Life by Bon Jovi
Forever Young by Alphaville

I had a long time to think about what I was going to say to Sara and to generally think about what was going to happen. These are the songs that accompanied me as I walked up to the precipice to take my leap of faith.

As I sat there and soaked it all in, I reflected on what has happened for the past year. How fortunate as this is probably the time to do so. So here are some thoughts:

• I am happy that I’ve finally accepted myself because once I learn to love myself, I can do anything.
• I am distressed that the “weight” on my chest did not disappear as I thought it would.
• I am relieved, however, that I don’t have this tearing feeling in my soul.
• I am absolutely, one-hundred percent, elated that my relationship with Erin and Season has improved.
• I am devastated that I seem to have lost Sara--almost to the point where I wish I didn’t tell her.
• I am scared that my sister may not really accept me even though my best hopes are with her.
• I am shocked that I gave my personal information to someone I hardly know and never met but in a weird way, I’m glad I did.
• I am still in the dark when it comes to a lot of things and I’m okay with that because I’ll get to where I need to be eventually.

I’m thinking about bringing the CD with me when I drive down to Florida with my family. It probably won’t have the same meaning as it did when I went up to Mt. Pleasant to see Sara, but you never know. A week before I told Sara, I was still telling myself I was straight.

I guess, I'll end this with the lyrics to "Generation" by Emerson Hart. The shorter version serves as the theme song to American Dreams. It's probably the only song on that CD whose lyrics are closest to the meaning it has for me.

You’re comin’ up like a flower
You’re comin’ up through the cracks that live ‘round here.
Everybody knows we have no fear

We are the wind of change coming
We take a stand where so many never go
We will shout it out to let you know,
This is my generation

We want an answer to the questions
We want to knock down the all walls they built for you
We wanna to know the truth not be lied to
We wanna to know the face freedom
We wanna to make a place were we can learn to love
Build a world that we can be proud of
This is my generation

Cause we just want to dance all night
Live inside the spark of life
This might be the only time around

You’re comin’ up like a flower
You’re comin’ up through the cracks that live ‘round here
Everybody knows we have no fear
This is my generation