Here's the Thing

Kraig and Stacey’s wedding on Saturday had me feeling kind of sick. Basically, I was afraid of being outed. And yet, it wasn’t that either. It was the potential of an explosion.

Of the people that went to the wedding, there were people who knew about me and plenty who didn’t.

Erin and Carrie know about me completely and have no problems carrying a conversation about me being gay. I am completely at ease with them and know that they respect me enough not to bring it up in front of others.

Stacey knows about me but I’ve never actually had a conversation with her about it. She has told Kraig who seems to be fine with it but has never brought it up with me. I think that they are waiting for me to bring it up.

Then there were the wild cards: Brenda and Kevin. They both are classmates of mine. Brenda may have found my blog. I noticed that my stat counter logged in someone from Minneapolis who had googled Kevin’s full name. Since Brian is unlikely to know Kev, I assume it has to be her. Kevin—well, you’re just going to have to read this post.

The last thing that I wanted to do was stir up trouble at their wedding. That was Stacey and Kraig’s day and I did not want to steal any attention. So if anyone was to confront me about it, I was planning to acknowledge it but also tell them to drop it.

When I arrived, one of the first people, other than Erin and Carrie, that I honed in on was Kevin. I didn’t want to seem like I was avoiding him so I made it a point to walk up to him.

“Hey Kevin. How’re ya doin’?” So I was a little nervous.

“Good.” His eyes rolled over to something else.

Okay. A little awkward. Nothing else is being said. He’s obviously elsewhere.

“It’s good to see you again.” Hey, I’ve got little when it comes to conversation starters.

“Good to see you.”

That was it. I wasn’t sure if he was avoiding me, if he honestly didn’t care to talk to me, or if he had something more important on his mind. To tell you the truth, I was kind of disappointed. Sure it was more than what I got from some other former classmates but damn.

When the ceremony was done, the chairs used at the ceremony had to be carried over to the tent where the reception was being held. I tried to make myself useful and helped out. Kevin was another who was collapsing chairs and bringing them over. One time we were near each other when he said, “They should have hired some Mexicans to do this.” Knowing Kevin, this wasn’t at surprising statement. But I was surprised that he said something to me. Was this his way of breaking the ice. I don’t think it was.

Towards the end of the reception, Kraig came by to my table and talked with me. Kevin followed shortly after. I won’t go into detail of the conversations. I think that it, plus my observations of their interactions, is best left unsaid. Don’t worry, it wasn’t anything bad, really, it just revealed a lot to me about the family dynamics. Anyways, as Kraig got pulled off into another conversation, I tried to engage Kevin again.

For a few seconds, it seemed to work but it was like he A.D.D. or maybe I just wasn’t giving him an interesting subject to latch onto. We talked about education in Florida for goodness sake. But I will tell you that he kind of pissed me off that he never introduced me to his boyfriend. Yet, he introduced him to Shane?! (Just know that Shane would be one of the last people I thought Kevin would make an outreach to.)

I don’t know. I’m not sure Kevin does know. Oh, but I think his mother does.

While I may not have wanted to have the gay conversation, I did want to have a conversation with him. I liked him in high school and I thought we got along great. In fact, many of my favorite memories from high school usually have him somewhere in the picture. That’s not to say that I had a crush on him or anything. I honestly don’t have those types of feelings for him. Still, I had hoped that perhaps there was some connection that we could have reestablished at the wedding. I would love to have been his friend.

In this area, there are two real life people that I know who are gay. Both, I want nothing to do with. Their questionable choices in terms of people they hang out with, substances they use, and let me be blunt—character just turn me off from them. Sure, I know there are great bloggers out there who have offered to lend me their ears, but I’d actually like to meet or, in the case of Kevin, have met someone in flesh and blood.

* * *

Also during the wedding, Erin pointed out a guy that she thought was gay. She asked me what I thought and that I should check him out. Unknown to her, I’ve met this guy twice before. While he may have a more effeminate way of talking, I’ve never entertained the thought that he was gay. Believe me, the way that this guy looks, I would have beaten off his girlfriend so that I could have him.

I told her that I didn’t think he was. As soon as I said it, I mentally kicked myself. I don’t want to get into conversations of judging whether people are gay or not. Plus, why would I know? My gaydar absolutely does not work.