Regret and Relief

A few days ago SSG Carney came into the store. He’s a great guy and I see him every now and then. Since there aren’t any military facilities nearby that I know of, I assume that he’s a recruiter. Yet, I never see him going through the mall trying to track down some kids like the Marine recruiters do. That night he got me thinking.

I used to be in AFROTC. It was some of the best times that I had in college and most of the people that I knew there were upstanding individuals much like the sergeant. I would have loved to go into the Air Force but I quit halfway through my sophomore year. The real reason why is because I couldn’t make loose the weight. I was on my way though and probably would have made it if I redoubled my efforts as the detachment commander wanted me to defer my training for one more year.

There have been very few days where I haven’t regretted that decision. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had decided to keep going. Would I be doing something that I want to do? Yes. But now that I have finally come to admit my sexuality, could I have continued with it? Clearly, there are homosexuals in the military and I am glad that they are there doing the job so few others are willing to do. But if I was serving at the time that I came out, I don’t know what I’d do. I certainly would have felt even more trapped than I do right now.

Although I’ve had pleasant exchanges with the sergeant, I wonder how I would respond if he would ever ask me if I thought about joining the Army. I think that I would tell him the truth. I would love to but now, I don’t think I could because it’s an integrity issue. The core values of the US Air Force are, “Integrity first, service before self and excellence in all we do.” How can I serve with honor at the same time that I have to deny myself? Violating myself while in the military is so much worse than when I do so as a civilian.