I've got something to tell you...

[Yawn] I’m tired.

So, my meeting with Sara did not go as I expected it to. But then again, things like this never do. It was amazing that I actually went through with it. But now that I am writing this, I am still just overwhelmed with a flurry of emotions and thoughts and it is going to take some time to figure out just what I am think and feeling. But the overriding thing is apprehension and fear and I don’t know if this is any better than before.

As I was leaving, I got a message from Sara on the cell. Her parents may be coming up. That wasn’t good, because then how can I have a talk with her with them around? Still, I tried to shrug it off. After all, Sara did say that she was going to make sure that we did talk. When I first got there, things were completely normal. With her, I just return to my mellow self and just enjoy being with her. I didn’t just start with the heavy conversation like I planned to do. As I was sitting on the couch, I was about to, but then her parents showed up. Crap! Luckily, they knew that Sara and I had to do something so we left, going for the casino.

At the casino, I lost $4 to a slot machine. But that’s getting off to a different subject. Anyways, on the way back, I came out to her. She took it really well—almost too well. Apparently she never had the inkling that I was a homo but she wasn’t surprised either. It was basically a “You are?” We then got into trying to figure out just what label I am. I don’t find anal sex appealing—at all. I don’t like gay guys that much. I still am attracted to women. I still want to try sex with women. So what was I? Curious, bi? She said that it was possible as she thinks everyone has a bit of a gay side. If that is so, then I’m admitting to something I may not be guilty of. Still, I can’t deny that I like looking at men.

At the end of the ride, she said that this would stay between us. I hope to God that it does for now. I asked her how this made her feel about me. She said that it didn’t change anything. She still thinks of me as the same person but I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that things have changed and that it is still too early to tell.

For the rest of my time there, I hung out with her and her parents. They are really nice people. They paid for my dinner at Big Boy and a ticket to “Cursed.” They would have gotten me some Dairy Queen as well. My modest side came out and I was ashamed that they were taking such good care of me. Of course, if things were reversed, I would be doing the same thing. Let’s hope that someday it will be reversed.

I had to leave in the morning to get to MSU at a decent hour. I had one more person to visit—Moose. My former RA (or “mentor”) was going to be the second person I would come out to. It actually occurred to me, that I should see him. Unlike Sara, Moose is not a friend so he doesn’t have the capability of outing me to my social network. Yet, he’s not a stranger either. So, with my heart beating even faster then it was with Sara, I knocked on his door. Against the odds, he was there and alone. He recognized me.

“Can I talk to you for a few minutes?” I said.

He invited me in. I don’t know if he knew why I was there, but I thought it was apparent enough. Unlike with Sarah, I was pretty straightforward.

I asked, “Have I ever pinged your gaydar?”

I don’t think he even answered. All I heard from him was, “Are you?”

He had gotten it sure enough. I just nodded my head yes.

We sat there and talked about it for a while. As much as I can talk with Sarah, Jeff did have a better view of this situation. I could sense it was a bit awkward, but it was still a watershed moment. I didn’t get any new answers to trying to pin down a label for myself but it was still good to have someone to talk to. I ended up leaving with a book about relationships and he put me in contact with someone that he knows in Indiana (who did write me back in good order, by the way.)

So two people now know my secret. I honestly don’t know if I will ever come out to my family. [I will.] All I know for certain is that if I do find a girl and the relationship becomes serious, she will be told. [Which, probably won't happen.] If I do find a guy and the relationship becomes serious, he will be told—as will my family.