Table For Two Singles

My friend Erin and I went to see the new James Bond film on Friday. She and I, on occasion, go out to see a movie. Sometimes I wonder, “are we on a date?” Well, of course we’re not on a date. But for few seconds, I allow myself to dream that I can be the person that I am pressured to be. After those brief moments, I remind myself of the reality of the situation. As much as I would wish it, I am not the man for her.

It is hard to describe what I feel for her. Can I truly say that I love her? Yes. I am certain I do. But I don’t love her that way. And I know that I do not love her like I love my friends. She’s different—more special. And it confused the hell out of me during my senior year of high school when I had a real chance of dating her with a relationship in mind. In the end, I was too scared to develop it any further.

She and I went to different universities. We sorta lost touch with each other. There was an occasional email but little more. Then we reconnected and eventually became roommates for an academic year when she got a position at a hospital in Lansing. (Becoming roommates caused our parents to sweat a little.) Now after graduation, we’ve come back home and I still see her with some regularity. I must give her most of the credit when it comes to my “successes” at socializing.

Erin was the second friend that I came out to. (Third, overall.) I expected my first friend to be my support—my rock. With Erin, I figured that of all my friends, she needed to know the truth. I felt that she deserved that after what I considered putting her through. There is some regret that I did not pursue a romantic relationship with her. For the most part, I’m glad I didn’t. I never want to cause her pain. Fate spared us, at worst, a nasty break-up and years of pain.

At present, we serve as each other’s “dates” when occasion calls for it. I like it. We’re both single and it gets us doing things best not done alone. We don’t portray ourselves as a couple. So we’re not completely satisfied with it. It’ll do for now but there is an understanding that when something better comes along, we’ll meet each other under different circumstances.

On the trip back from the movies, she told me of here troubles of finding a decent guy. (Join the club.) There was this worry that she would never find him. I couldn’t think of anything to say that would cheer her up. I’m not one of those people who will say, “Don’t worry, some guy will come along.” I’ve come to the realization that the right guy might never come along for me or her. The only thing I could say was, “I have faith.”

I do have faith. Sorry if this sounds a little puffed up, but she and I are both good catches. And damn it, any guy should count themselves lucky to have us. Right now, I’m not worried too much about myself. I think I have a little more road to travel before I’m ready to start dating. As for her, she’s been ready for a while now. I hope she meets him soon. I want Erin to be happy. Even if it meant no longer going to the movies with her—I want her to live the dream that she has. The husband, the kids, the cats, all of it. And just like in the past when I heard about her boyfriend, I’ll be a little jealous. But I’ll be happy for her even more.