I want to do the right thing.

Oh what am I doing?! I have got issues. Nate this and Nate that. I had told myself that this guy is not a person that I would ever make it with. My brain is going no, no, no, he’s not the one you like or will like. So why am I getting excited at the thought of going out with him? He and I couldn’t be more incompatible. Let me just leave it at that because going into details would only do both of us harm.

I think that it is more to do with the knowledge that I could actually go for it. I mean, I could finally ask a guy out and not fear being rejected with “I’m straight,” or a something much worse. It wouldn’t be much more of an effort to make it into more either. In a short amount of time I could have much of what I’ve always wanted. Yet, it wouldn’t be real, would it? Everything but the love. I want him because I could satisfy an urge that I’ve been suppressing for so many years. Now, I’ve got to control it because I know that I know that it won’t lead to me to where I want to be. I want to be with someone I can honestly be in love with and who I want to be bonded to for life. Nate’s not that person.

Part of me wants to experiment. After all, I can’t find a partner without getting in the game. How will I learn or know without dating? That’s a fine argument, but how can I justify doing that to a person when I know, already, where it’s going to end?

It’s not just that. I’m going through transition. I shouldn’t have a relationship with anyone. I’m not ready and I don’t want to bring such heavy baggage. That being said, I wouldn’t mind some new friendships as I am becoming more aware that I’m losing some of my old ones. I’d be curious to other people’s thoughts on the matter. What do you think?