It's not all good.

The process of coming out to certain people has generally gone well so far. Better than I thought. But there is one person that I am beginning to regret. Sara. The first person I came out to. You know, one of the things that I had hoped for was better relationships, as I could now be involved in them with complete honesty. Erin is the best example that I can give for this. She said our relationship is 100% better and I couldn’t agree with her more. Things have gone so well, that we are hanging out more than we did when we lived together. Additionally, I have been fortunate in getting closer to Carrie, her best friend and Amanda, her sister. I couldn’t be happier for that. Season is also another person who I would say I have gotten closer to. Hell, we’ve got plans go to Chicago together after the Thanksgiving holiday. Unfortunately, with Sara, it hasn’t been going well.

I love Sara so much that it tears at my soul that I can’t be there for her. Whether this love is the kind of love that two heteros feel, I don’t know. I like to think so. I came out to her because of all the people that I knew, I thought that I would be safest with her. I could trust her and she would be there for me. I had hoped to strengthen our relationship with mutual honesty and be more open. I know that she has demons of her own. Maybe I was being a fool, but I wished that we could have helped each other down a happier path. For a while things were good but as I opened up to more people, she has drifted farther away.

She is in love with a friend named Adam. Actually, all three of us were friends. Adam was the first person that I was friends with when I moved to this town. As time went on through high school, they started with the smoking, the alcohol, and the drugs. I admit, there were times that I dabbled with the smoking and drinking—but I have never done drugs. But largely, we did our different things. Throughout college there were hairy times and their relationship grew closer and even more dysfunctional. I’d rather not go into more specifics. But recently, she has withdrawn from me in order to be with him.

Eventually, I got sick of trying to get into contact with her. No responses to phone calls, voice mail, or email. I even went as far as to just show up at her house to catch her doing nothing and then asking her to do something with me. The last I saw of her was in August. Strange since she lives in the next town over. Seven, eight minutes away. I no longer wanted to be part of a one-sided friendship. One where I felt like I was begging her to be my friend. It’s a humiliating position and it hurts. There have been times when I just stared at my phone, wondering if I should call. Maybe I had been wrong. Maybe I should be the one doing all the calling. Maybe I was wrong for dropping her and waiting for her to come to me. It was pretty much the same way with Season. Season, like myself, was just sick of all the bullshit coming from the Sara/Adam drama. If they wanted to make themselves miserable, why should we be sucked down with them?

A major event has just occurred. Adam has gotten another girl pregnant. And it looks like she will be keeping it. I was worried of what would happen to Sara. I hoped some sense would be knocked into her. And I guess, I had hoped that she would have confided in me. Nope.

Today at work, Season told me that Sara had called her. “Yeah, now she’s a friend.”

I asked about her. Was she alright? How was she doing? It turns out that she has started to hang out with all her friends again or at least, she is trying to mend fences. Season said Sara wanted to hang out this evening over at Chris’s house. Chris who probably hasn’t seen her for a longer period than I have. Yup. She’s talking alright. Just not to me. And as much as I would like to say it angers me, I still feel as though I have lost something. Maybe it was just a mirage. Maybe my relationship with her didn’t go as deep as I thought it did. And while it makes me happy that it looks like she’s finally getting Adam behind her, it makes me sad that I am joining him.

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On another note, I recently got a comment from travelingboi. I thought that I would blog about my response seperately, but why not let you see it for yourself. Go to this post.

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On yet another note, it looks like the Chicago trip is on! It looks like we are going on Monday, 29 November for some sightseeing and whatnot and then seeing the show the next day. Any suggestions as to what we should see?