Easter Sunday

A copy of an email that I will be sending out, first thing tomorrow:

Sara,

The shit is really going to hit the fan when I tell them. Let me explain to you what has been happening the past couple of weeks.

A few weeks ago I told my parents that I would no longer be taking communion. I did this for two reasons. 1.) To obey church law, and 2.) to test the waters and see how they would react. In my church, I am required to confess that I hold the church’s doctrine to be true. Any person who has a different “confession” can not take communion. Lately, I have been feeling like I am lying to God by taking the bread and wine under these circumstances. I no longer believe everything the church teaches.

I told them a couple weeks ago that I would no longer be taking the bread and wine. After a long and intense conversation, I thought it would be fine. Even though they seemed to think that I was “no longer Christian.” That event alone was enough to give me pause. Since then, they have not said anything about it. My Dad didn’t even look at me when I stayed in the pew while they went up. I thought things were under control. At least I thought so until yesterday.

As you know, Easter was yesterday. I have always looked forward to Easter service. My family left without me. Yup. They got my sister up at 6:30am, got ready, and left. No one bothered to tell me about their plans the day before. No one bothered to knock at my door. I looked out my window to see them driving away.

I went alone to a different service. After all this crap, I needed to. I’ve got a lot to pray about.

When I finally came home, my sister said that they did it on purpose. I don’t know what exactly my Dad said. I just know that some how I had “betrayed” him. That somehow he was “stabbed in the back.” Even she didn’t get it all because she was taking care of one of our cousins. She just overheard bits and pieces of what was said to my aunt. Sara, this is beyond fucked up. If they are going to act like this because I am following the church rules… what are they going to do when I drop the big one on them?

One of Dido’s songs keeps running through my head:

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

On a different day if I was safe in my own skin
then I wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

---Dido’s “Honestly OK”

[Sara latter wrote back with an uplifting email that I wish I had saved.]