I'm not a conjunction in God's great plan.

I had some interesting words with Kris today. I had casually mentioned some of the feelings that I wrote in the previous entry. I tested the waters with her as well. I had asked her why a person should go through life if that person couldn’t be happy. She said that God has a plan for everyone. Maybe a person’s entire reason for living for was a brief moment in which they will impact another person’s life.

So, my entire reason for living may be reduced to a significant, yet brief, encounter with someone important to God’s plan? Again, that seems unnecessarily cruel to fill my life with such pain, self-hatred, and a whole host of other destructive emotions. I’m sitting here debating whether I should hide and lie, telling them the truth, or just running away.

You know, I want what anyone else wants. I just want to look over and see a partner. I don’t want a friend, or another family member. No. I want to share my life with someone with honesty, intimacy, and love. I can’t do that with any family member, any friend, and at this point, any woman. I can’t be honest with my own family for fear of loosing them and it tears me up. I don’t know how anyone could go through life alone and I know that I don’t.