Sick of Waiting

I’m suffering so much that I actually catch myself smiling. Sounds odd I know. But before I go on, I want to warn you that this post is about my sex life (or rather the lack thereof). But it definitely may be TMI for you.

Masturbation and pornography suck! Lately I’ve been thinking, “Been there. Done that.” While they both serve a function, I get no real satisfaction out of it. As early as last year, they were enough for me to get by. Now, it’s just available and I approach them with an attitude of, “Eh, why not? I’ve got a couple minutes to spare.” Sometimes, though, it actually highlights my frustrations. The reason why is because I am desperate for some sex. Dear God, I’ve regressed to a sex-starved teenager and it’s new to me.

After coming out to myself, I eventually did end up with some interesting dreams about other guys. I was dreading that it was going to escalate into wet dreams—a sort of return to puberty or perhaps making up for lost time. This was not so. The dreams were more relationship centered rather than about sex.

So sex really hasn’t been in my life. But now that I’ve let myself flow with my emotions, I am getting a bit twitchy. When I see the Centennial Guy or Ryan, I want to hit them with my club and drag them back to my cave. And as much as it hurts to know that I can’t do that, I laugh at myself at how utterly ridiculous I must be. To my horror, I’m acting like some horned up teen.

I used to think that I would wait until I was in a committed relationship before having sex. It’s getting to the point where I’d do it with the first gives me a once-over. While I may not wait for the man of my dreams, I definitely don’t want my first time to be with a stranger.

Ugh…where’s my porn?