The end is still the same.

I know that I’m jumping a number of steps but let me post about children. I say that I don’t want them. I’m honestly petrified of picking one up. But I’m totally into them and I won’t let anyone know that I am. I thought the dream of having my own family went out the window when I came out to myself. Now, I’m glad to say that I’ve regained that dream.

While I have accepted that I may not find a guy to love or kids to raise, it doesn’t mean that will happen that way. Running through imaginary numbers in my head, I had resigned myself to a life alone. Yet, the net has done wonders to battle my pessimism. I’m reading blogs about guys who are in great relationships. If you don’t mind a plug, one of my favorite blogs to lurk around is The Brian’s. When he describes his son doing things that should make me cringe, I get goose bumps as well as envious (the good kind of envious). I eat it up. I want it so bad.

Should I ever get this law thing started, one of the fields that I am looking into is family law. In particular, I want to get into adoption. Mostly though, I want to help other gay couples fight through a system that is stacked against them. I’m not going to let the gov’t discourage me and other from forming a relationships and starting families.

I’m 24 now. In some ways, I feel old and the time is slipping by. In less than a year, one of my first life goals will pass. I’m not going to be getting engaged to a girl. Nor will I be marrying her when I’m 26. That baby at age 28 isn’t looking likely either. In another way, I feel like I’m half my age. I’m a twelve year old just beginning to have “feelings” and waiting for that first kiss. (Really, I haven’t been kissed yet. I’m in a Drew Berrymore movie or something.) Dating? I keep telling myself that I’m not ready for a relationship. But another part of me says that if the opportunity presents itself, I’m going to grab him and run. It’s scary and exciting.

So, no, don’t know what is beyond the end of my nose. That’s okay with me because something better has to be on its way. I’m crossing my fingers for a guy and a baby. The house and dog would be nice too.