On Kids

I went to see Ethan yesterday. My friend, Sara, had him a few days ago and I wanted to see the little tyke for myself. As much as I would like to, I won’t be blogging much about him. There are things that the whole world doesn’t need to know about. (Even though I’m getting the feeling no one is reading this anymore. Ha.) But there is something about me that you should know about. Hey, I know you want to know about the baby but this blog is about me and I will fulfill my need for self-promotion.

I want to have children. I tell everyone that I won’t have them because it deflects those questions that I most dread: “So, when are you going to find a girlfriend?” “When are you going to settle down?” “When can I expect grandkids?” Also, it serves as a sort of prophecy. I may not have children. Time is fleeting and I’m not keeping up. I fear that by the time I get my act together, it will be too late.

I fear babies. It seems kind of odd that I would want to have children and yet I would be so afraid of them. When I looked at Ethan, I wanted to pick him up and hold him. He is a creation—a new life. I knew his mother before he was born. I knew his father before he was born. I knew life without his existence and it is a wonder to see something new come into this world and be loved to such a degree. All I could do was sit there, watch him, and touch his cheek. Sara asked if I wanted to hold him. I couldn’t. My fear of upsetting him or even hurting him in the slightest kept me paralyzed. There are few things in this world that petrifies me to that level.

On the ride over, I wondered how I would react to the baby. Would he be just another baby that looks cute? Would he be more important than that? Sara isn’t in my life. She hasn’t been for a while but I still consider her my friend. Certain things have caused us to drift apart but I will always feel a connection for her. I mean, there has been no child or mother whom I have been so eager to see in my life (with an exception of my mother when she gave birth to my sister). I don’t know how the future will unfold for Ethan, Sara, or me. But I would hope that I can at least look in on them from time to time.