You could say it's distrubing.
<--See also: "I'd go to the other end of the city," and "So Fast It's Scary."
This post is mostly a response to the commentator "v" from the previous post.
I do walk that line of becoming a stalker. I've looked up people that I liked up on networking sites such as facebook and MySpace but I never go so far as to tracking them down to their homes. That's creepy even for me. No, the closest that I get to stalking-- and some would say that it is stalking-- is in the case of Craig. (See those cross references.)
With the departure of Will, I had the sudden urge for a sandwich. So I went to the place I knew were Craig worked this morning for lunch. Now mind you, I've only seen him twice before and that was way back in March. I don't go out of my way to go to his work place just to see him. It's more like--hmmm, I feel like a sandwich so I'll go Craig's place and maybe I'll happen to see him there. Turns out that today he was there.
I realized that I've been over my crush for him for a while now. Probably since he clung like Velcro to Jay. Yeesh. To tell you the truth, it was kind of set me free to know that I he didn't have to be focus of my misery that I'm single and that I lack gay friends. Because as much as I liked him and was attracted to him, he was also a reminder of what I didn't have and that knowledge that I wouldn't be having it with him.
When the mood strikes me for a quality sandwich or maybe even soup, I'll still go to this place but I don't think that I'll be hoping to see him there. That's fine with me.
On a sort of side note because it's so short that it doesn't really merit a posting of its own, but I tried talking some friends into going to Truman's with me. It's the only gay bar in the region. No one wants to do it. I don't like going to bars in the first place and there is no way in hell that I'm going there alone. Is there a gay buddy system that I can sign up for?
posted by David @ 9:25 PM
1 Comments:
Hello David.
Ah, yes. Wanting to go into that gay bar but being afraid to do it.
Or "I don't like bars but I want to go into the gay bar, not because it's a bar but because it's gay, and not that I want to get picked up by other men there but because I just want to be in the presence of other gay men and be comfortable about it, but I'm scared to go in, because even if no one actually sees me do it, it still feels like doing something shameful, even though I know it isn't really."
Yeah, I remember feeling it. And I've seen it happen to a lot of people. Back in the 1980s I knew a lot of men who used to walk up and down the street opposite the local gay bar, trying to work up the courage to go in. And the funny thing is, the longer you spend trying to summon up the courage to do it, the more difficult the fear gets to break.
I eventually got my courage by having a very long and shouty argument with my parants, culminating with me furiously walking out of the house and stamping to the pub. My anger lasted just long enough to get me inside the doors. Where I was taken under the wing of a very sweet middle aged male couple and a big loud lesbian. After that, it was easy going back.
Some people prefer to get a little bit drunk in another bar first, just to get some fearlessness and fuzzyness before facing the challenge of the gay bar's doors.
There probably is a gay buddying service somewhere near where you live. If you can't find it, there's probably an advice-giving telephone service like the Samiritans who could direct you there.
There's websites like OutEverywhere that might help you find gay people in your area who aren't just looking for sex could be friends. There used to be a way in Blogger to find other bloggers in your area, some of who might be helpful - I'll try to find out if there still is a way.
Anyway. I reckon you should go into the Truman, because you want to, and because once you've managed it, it gets a lot easier.
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