Peering Out

How do we get our wings?

2008-08-16T21:51:00.000-04:00

I watched Angels in America today and I was disturbed at the end in how things ended for one of the characters—namely Joe Pitt. His character is that of a closeted gay Republican working as a law clerk. A run in with one of the other movie/play’s characters opens the closet door. The guy is no saint. His sins being marrying someone he did not love completely, cheating on her, and then still trying to salvage a relationship and base it on a lie. Still, I was hoping that all this was the dramatic struggle which would lead to peace.

At the end of the movie, we see all the characters get a satisfying ending except for Joe Pitt. At the end, he was trying to go back to his wife even though they both knew that their marriage would be a self-delusion. And his very last scene (at least in the movie) is to descend underground with the impression that he will go on as a closeted gay man who has to seek out men in the dark.

I had to wonder if the playwright and the gay left ever view a gay republican and see anything more than a loathsome creature. It is certainly a vibe that I’ve come across now and then.

There was a story not too long ago about a staffer for a Republican that was outed. He was working and associated himself with people who were anti-gay. And while he can fairly be attacked for positions that he supported, I wondered if the gay community was burning a bridge when they tore him to shreds with some advocating his death. Should there ever be a time that this staffer actively support gays and their interests, would it be welcomed?

Who is to say that man that is conservative, Republican, and religious is not worthy of entrance into the gay community? Being those three things doesn’t necessarily mean that a person is a threat to gays.

Television is so engrossing sometimes.

2008-06-29T20:54:00.002-04:00

I really hate it when I get involved in the "love life" of television characters!

h/t to wundermikey at YouTube for posting this vid.

The lesbians are lucky to have her.

2008-05-29T20:04:00.002-04:00

I missed last month's LGBTQXYZ book club meeting. After realizing that I would never make it there on time to hear the reviews of a book I selected, I spend the night kicking myself.

Last night, when I went in for our meeting, I got a little lost. See, our meeting takes place in the same area and when I went in, there were was a young college age girl there. I assumed that some other group must have reserved our spot. Sure enough, she was in the gay spot.

Let me tell you... she was a knock out. If I was straight, I probably wouldn't have had the balls to strike up a conversation with her. Lucky for me, I'm not so I wasn't hindered. Still, I could not stop looking at her she was that beautiful. And a thought occurred to me that made me chuckle.

"What a waste."

Where did that come from? Did I turn to the hetro side just long enough to lament that I would never have the chance to sleep with her? Seriously--weird thought. And, no it really isn't a wast that she's a lesbo. I'm sure she'll make some manish gal very happy. :-P

Fun With the Gals

2008-04-06T18:03:00.002-04:00

I had a blast at Erin's bachelorette party last night.

Won't tell you too much but pictures are worth a thousand words, right?

He'll be there.

2008-03-22T21:23:00.001-04:00

<<--See also: “Why were we talking about that,” and “A subset wedding story.”

My friend Erin is getting married in about a month. While we were out having lunch we were talking about some deep issues. I’m not going to air it out here but there was one small thing she mentioned that I will share.

There is a wedding invite sitting by my bed. I haven’t responded yet but it’s for me and a “guest.” I suppose I have been hoping that I could find a date to take with me to the wedding. As long as I have that RSVP card, there will always be the possibility that it could happen. I know that I will be going alone and although I could always invite one of my gal friends, I don’t want to use them in that way anymore.

If there is one thing that I wish for myself, that day, it is that I will be able dance with another man. It didn’t have to a serious affair but it did have to have some meaning. I thought that it would be a far flung fantasy—I was going to be alone. Maybe… there’s reason to hope.

Karl is going to be there.

Is she trying to say something?

2008-03-14T20:45:00.002-04:00

My Aunt J sent me a birthday card which arrived today.

What kind of bees make milk? Boobies.

That joke was from one of the few gay movies that I've watched. So I thought it was ironic (is that the word) that this card came from my conservative homophobic aunt.

I think that I've mentioned before that my extended family probably have their suspicions about me. Without going into the reasons, my aunt and grandma are asking about my love life and whether I've been seeing any girls. I think that Aunt J has her suspicions because the gay subject tends to keep coming up. I also think that my Uncle A knows about me and is okay with it.

Paranoia? Perhaps. But I wonder.

More Soap

2008-03-09T15:35:00.000-04:00

While I was finishing up the Luke and Noah (or the last of what was available on YouTube), I spotted another gay story line on the British show Coronation Street with the characters of Todd and Karl. I’m not gonna get into that but I was thinking about the viewers’ comments on both Luke/Noah and Todd/Karl.

Seeing a gay couple on television is a cool thing for me. Let’s put aside some of their questionable judgments that is required of television drama for a second, however. But there are a lot of commentators who hate what is going on with their respective shows. This was more evident with commentators for As the World Turns. The haters there make my homophobic conservative Aunt look like bleeding heart liberal. I had trouble wrapping my head around some of what was being said and I couldn’t understand why I was reading it.

If a person is against homosexuality, why would they watch in on YouTube, take the time to comment on it, and then come back to try and defend their positions? I’m seeing various posters coming back page after page and it’s striking that they would care that much. Even my church doesn’t go out of its way to express its view—which is against, by the way. In fact, I have never even heard homosexuality brought up in any service.

Obviously letters written to CBS show that a number of viewers of As the World Turns don’t like the homo story line. And I suppose that’s to be expected but YouTube and other sites? That’s a whole different ball of wax--you’ve got to be looking for that stuff. These people have either got be angry closet cases or your run of the mill troll. I want to believe that the people who really disapprove of these gay stories just tune out and let others have their moment in the light.

Luke and Noah? Where have I been?

2008-03-02T21:21:00.003-05:00

During the last week or so I have been waking up to a certain song playing on the local radio station. I enjoyed it so I did a google search on it to find out what the song's name was and then a YouTube search so that I could listen to it. I found a vid clip that used the song and this is it:

I've watched soaps with my grandma when I lived with her on the farm so I know how those story lines can draw you in. I really wanted to know more about those two guys and so I dug further until I found out that they were Luke and Noah from the "As the World Turns." Apparently they have the distinction of being the first gay couple on day time TV. There was a series of clips on YouTube that I found that detailed their relationship. I watched almost all of it.

Dang soap opera hooked me in again!

Coincidentally I ran into more of Luke and Noah via another blogger. You can read his post here. Also, there was a news story on MSN. Three things about the same couple coming at me at almost the same time.

According to the article, there's a protest of the two characters. No, the protest is not about having a gay couple. It's about the lack of lip-locking. Which I agree with you. In all the clips that I had seen of those two, there was only two times they kissed. I'm not asking for a sex scene or anything but let's get real here. It's a soap opera, there's a lot worse they can show than two gay characters kissing every now and then. Sheesh.

New Year, New Member

2008-01-24T19:23:00.000-05:00

I did make it to that Gay and Lesbian book club last night. I started to float around there about twenty minutes ahead hoping to spot the group first rather than go up to people and ask if they were the gays and lesbians I wanted to meet.

It wasn't what I expected. I had envisioned two possibilities: smart college kids or smart old people. Over the past few weeks, I had put so much attention onto that book just in case the conversation was going to be highly intellectual. It turned out to be more relaxed than I feared.

There were three regulars. If I remember right, they were Dave, Tom, and Earl. Then there appeared to be two known-to-the-group participants and bringing up the rear were three new comers including me. The three regulars were older gentlemen and the rest of us were rather young.

The discussion I thought was quite short but apparently it was a good one according to Tom. This is because more then a couple people actually read the book. I think that Tom and I took over the discussion and to be honest, I think I stepped on his toes because I would always take a an observation of his and give my own twist. I don't know if he liked that or not but it was kinda fun to have something to add.

The book that we will be discussing looks like "fluff" as they call it. I'm not particularly looking forward to reading it but I'll suffer through it. Earl let me borrow two books so I'll be giving those a crack as well. They took my suggestion of "The Year of Ice" so we'll be reading that for either March or April. Also assigned: gay gossip. *sigh* Still looking forward to it.

Gay Tragedy

2008-01-06T12:43:00.000-05:00

Why are gay stories always so damn tragic?! Since early fall, I have been checking out Barnes & Noble. The a Gay and Lesbian Book Group that meets once a month. Since I’m not too keen about the bars, I thought that this might be a great way to meet some of the locals. Every time I went in there, the book selected for the month did not interest me. Or worse, I was mildly repelled by it. Sorry, but I’m not really interested in a book that chronicles hook ups during the Christmas holiday.

For January, though it appeared that a decent book had been selected. It deals with bullying. Ah, an excellent topic to exercise my limited grey matter over. The book selected was A Push and a Shove by Christopher Kelly. The back reads as follows:

Tortured by memories of being bullied all through school, Ben Reilly sets out to finally put his demons to rest. Terrence O'Connor, the beautiful boy who tormented him, is now a successful writer in Manhattan, but he is also a man searching out his own identity. As Ben and Terrence form an unlikely friendship, hidden motives and long-kept secrets bubble to the surface. Darkly disturbing, brilliantly written, A Push and a Shove is a chilling depiction of the once-victim who unwittingly becomes the bully.

Sounds pretty interesting, right? Well…right. I thought it was pretty good. I completed it in about 8 hours and I plan to go over it again before the meeting on the 23rd. But I’m not writing about the story. What I am asking is why are all the gay stories that I’ve come across so dark? Okay, granted, I’ve only read three gay novels: Brian Malloy’s The Year of Ice and Brendan Wolf and now this one. But each and every one of them left me a bit unsatisfied because I’m such a romantic nut that I want the happily ever after! But I recognize that reality is not so rosy. Still, can I get a little happiness without having to go to the online, porno, amature writer section?

Has anyone participated in a Book Club meeting before? I’d like to know what I should expect or how deep the analysis is going to be. Because if they start throwing around literary theory or bringing up other books and authors that I’ve never even heard about, I may have to slink out the door never to return again.

Well, I will return, just not when that club is meeting.

It’s not totally dead.

2007-12-16T14:11:00.000-05:00

For the past few weeks I have been having a great time communicating with a great guy over the internet. I can’t even describe what it felt like to have someone reciprocate feelings like that. I could easily see myself being with him but the one catch is that he is 500 miles away. Long distance relationships are hard but they are workable. My own parents had a relationship in which they didn’t see each other for over a year. There is one couple at my work that met online and they’re now married.

For a while, I was content to just take it one conversation at a time and not to keep my hopes up. But the longer that it continued, I knew that I was growing attached and I came to the realization that this was going to end one of two ways. We would make a go of a relationship in which we’d only meet a couple times a year, or one of us was going to find a boyfriend nearby and resulting in crushed feelings for the other. Either option is not acceptable to me.

Then a couple days ago, something must of rattled him because he said that he was feeling all weird and basically asked me where this was going. The question has been running through my mind but I never wanted to bring it up. Why ruin a good thing, right? I suppose, however, that it was good. Basically, I think we are going to cool it and just go to IMing like friends do.

I think he’s a great guy, but he deserves way more than I can offer him.

Cheerleader Coworker

2007-11-11T14:42:00.001-05:00

Ever since Z asked the question at work, she has been on my back. Most people that I’ve told that I’m gay have left the subject alone for the most part. It’s sort of nice because to be honest, I don’t want to have conversations about my sex life (actually, a lack thereof) with them. Yet, there are times I want someone to talk to about it. Z is not that person. Some of the conversations we’ve had have been fun, but some not so much.

At first, she was asking about, “when did you know,” “how long have you been,” and so on. It was strange as I felt like I trying to teach Gay 101 to her while I’m still taking the 200’s. Then she started asking about my sex life. “Have you ever slept with a girl?” No. “What’s sex like with a guy?” I don’t know.

We were talking earlier last week during our overtime. Since getting onto this new project, a few first shifters including her and myself, have been staying over a couple hours and overlapping with second shift. When we were wrapping up our paperwork on the first night, she had to find someone to give the left-over checks. She spotted this one guy and asked me who his name was. Without thinking I said, “E-M.” So blah blah blah, she now knows that I’ve got a serious crush on E-M. And I think she’s hoping harder than I am that he’s gay because I know she wants to set us up.

For a while, E-M was recently on mini-vacation. While he was gone, she was teasing me about him and how she was going to ask around to see if he was available. On the day before E-M came back, I dressed up in a pretty snazzy way if I do say so myelf. Z liked it. But the next day (and the day E-M came back) I was back to jeans and a shirt. Z did not like that. She has pretty much threatened me that I will be wearing something sexy on Monday, “or else.”

[sigh]

I went shopping yesterday.

A shared secret.

2007-11-06T18:55:00.000-05:00

Mine would tell me that I wasn't his son.

From postsecret.com week of 11/04/2007

I'll have the variety platter please.

2007-10-22T21:04:00.000-04:00

I’ve been wondering how I can inject myself into the local gay community. Not that there is much of one—at least that I know of. I’m not really into the bar scene and will only go if my friends are there. It seems quite clear that an outing to Trumans is crossing the line of comfort for them. I’m too chicken to go alone. But that’s any social scene.

Las year I noticed that there is a GLBT book club at Barnes & Noble. So the other night I went there to find out when their next meeting is and what book they will be discussing. The next meeting is in a couple of days and they will be discussing a cowboy book. After doing a quick search of it, I found it: Longhorns.

Looking at the book’s back cover I decided that I’d wait for the next meeting which is next month. The lack of time wasn’t the issue. Given the size of the novel, I could knock it out in two days. The plot didn’t interest me. From the back of the book:

“The Double H cowboys are a touch bunch, and none of them are gay—exactly…”

“…an instant hankering for… the straight ranch boss…”

First of all, I do not need a flashback to Brokeback Mountain. But the thing that really turned me off was this vibe of having to prove how “masculine” and “straight acting” these guys are. For those who know about what happened between me and Moose, you can probably see why I’d be hesitant to get involved with that.

See, I’m getting to the point where I don’t care how butch or how fem guys are. The more that I am becoming exposed to various gay men, I find that my worries of how I will be associated with them are disappearing.

A while ago, I used to say that I didn’t care for effeminate men and that I like straight acting men. Now it doesn’t bug me as much. Actually, one of my latest crushes was on a guy who comes off, well, a bit of a flamer. But I like him not because of his mannerisms but because he was witty, engaging, and a blast to be around. I got to know him as a person and as a person he is very attractive.

When I see people, or in this case books, trying to point out masculine men, I get a little annoyed. Yes, I know there are those types of guys out there. When it comes down to it though, it feels like I’m being dragged back to a point of view where there are only certain types of people that I like. And that is a distasteful thought. I recognize that my preferences lean towards a certain ideal. But what I have felt for real has been varied. If I could provide you with pictures of the various guys I wouldn’t mind having my way with you’d probably wonder if I have any criteria on what my ideal man would be. Honestly, I don’t think I really have a clue.

I don't need a cowboy. I just need a man.

I thought that this book would just pander to my own lusts rather than giving my mind something to chew on.

Boytoys not wanted.

2007-10-12T20:27:00.000-04:00

In my job I only interact with two supervisors. There’s Alisha and Mark. Mark is higher than Alisha but essentially they provide help whenever we have issues with our tasks. For the most part, I interact with Alisha because she’s only two seats away and out of habit, whenever I have problem I always try to use a chain of command. She’s the first one I go to on that chain. I have no problem with Mark. In fact, I find him to be me more personable but I try to keep my distance with him.

My usually defective gaydar was beeping away the second time I met him but I never really got confirmation that he was “family” until about a month later. He doesn’t talk about his personal life much in front of the group. He’s out, he just doesn’t share but I did catch him one time mentioning his boyfriend.

Eventually, Mark figured me out. It’s kind of hard to describe how I knew that. But basically there was a look that said, “I know about you.” Well I know that you know. But to this day, we both haven’t said anything.

Towards the end of the project, in one of the last groups of temps to be brought in, there was a rather attractive guy named Chewy. That’s not his actual name but a nickname that Michelle and Kelly gave him. You see, they observed him chewing tobacco and spitting it out—hence the nick name. Eww. I laughed about it and forgot about him. But I did notice that Mark seemed to like this guy. At the time, it seemed like Mark had a crush or that he knew this kid from somewhere. Again, I didn’t think much more on it.

About a week before the layoffs, Zoe, Lindsay, and I were near each other and Zoe remarked how good looking Chewy is. Lindsay said that she didn’t find him that attractive and I agreed. She said it was the long face. For me it was the tobacco chewing during work, and the fact that he had Chinese lettering tattoos up and down his arm. Why non-Chinese people do that, I have no idea. But Zoe said something interesting. She said that she thinks that kid might be gay. I did a double take on the guy because it never occurred to me.

“No. I don’t think so.”

I kept an eye on Chewy and noticed his interactions with Mark. In every instance, it looked like the whole thing could be innocent. Then the next day, Matt was walking by the cubicle farm while most us were standing getting to leave. Matt is the hunky former marine. As Matt walked by, I observed Chewy focus in on Matt and followed him as he walked by. I knew that look. Bingo!

Now… I regret doing what I did next, but I was so excited that I did it anyways. I went back up to Zoe and said, “You remember what we talked about yesterday? About Chewy?”

“Hmm, hmm.”

“I think you might be right.”

“How do you know?”

“Because my gaydar is pinging like crazy.”

A couple days after that, old Ruth and I were talking about the girl and guy who seemed to be flirting. She kind of surprised me and said, “But it’s not as bad as Mark and [Chewy.]” Well apparently, Mark and Chewy had been noticed and was becoming the subject of the cubicle gossip.

I thought that Chewy was going to be hired in before me. He was promoted to data entry almost immediately. It took me two and half months. He was chummy with Alisha and Mark. I only talk to them when I need help solving a problem. I figured Mark would have his back. Nope. Chewy was gone in the first round of cuts.

Michelle and I were talking about it today. She sat in the same row and right next to Chewy. She described how he was taking pills, seemed stoned, slept on the job, and how much Mark would come by and touch him and stuff.

I’m not saying I’m jealous or anything, but I have been wondering why Mark hasn’t done much to acknowledge me. I’m not saying that I want him to come by and touch me and stuff. But it would be nice have more than the “I know about you” look.

It always lingers.

2007-09-29T09:56:00.001-04:00

This is quite a ways to get to the subject of my post, but here we go. A while ago I was reading through one of the more popular gay blogs out there. This blogger had posted some nude pictures of a news anchor who worked for one of the nation’s largest cable news networks. (So that crosses out FOX News for those who need help.) This anchor had originally posted the pictures on a gay networking site. Although his face was not shown in the photographs, many of the commentators identified him. So after learning the identity of a very, very hot news guy, I googled him. I learned that he was a victim of sexual abuse.

One of the thoughts that came to my mind was, “I wonder if the abuse made him gay.” I chided myself as soon as it came running through my head. I know better but abuse does come to my mind as a reason why some guys turn out gay. The reason why is because I was abused too. Not to the extent that the anchor revealed but it was abuse. It started at a time when I only started to think about sex (five/six) and when memories of events started to become more reliable. I can not be sure if I kissed that boy before or after the abuse. I can not be sure if I ogled the naked men in that porn mag before or after the abuse. The events of the first hints of homosexuality are jumbled up in my memory. I wish I could sort it out. But even if I knew, would it really matter?

This is one of mine.

2007-08-12T12:35:00.001-04:00

As I posted on my main blog, Frank at PostSecret chose to make a video of secrets this week rather than post them up like regular pictures.

I've made two of my own. One of which I'll now share. The other is something only my best friend knows.

You could say it's distrubing.

2007-08-05T21:25:00.000-04:00

<--See also: "I'd go to the other end of the city," and "So Fast It's Scary."

This post is mostly a response to the commentator "v" from the previous post.

I do walk that line of becoming a stalker. I've looked up people that I liked up on networking sites such as facebook and MySpace but I never go so far as to tracking them down to their homes. That's creepy even for me. No, the closest that I get to stalking-- and some would say that it is stalking-- is in the case of Craig. (See those cross references.)

With the departure of Will, I had the sudden urge for a sandwich. So I went to the place I knew were Craig worked this morning for lunch. Now mind you, I've only seen him twice before and that was way back in March. I don't go out of my way to go to his work place just to see him. It's more like--hmmm, I feel like a sandwich so I'll go Craig's place and maybe I'll happen to see him there. Turns out that today he was there.

I realized that I've been over my crush for him for a while now. Probably since he clung like Velcro to Jay. Yeesh. To tell you the truth, it was kind of set me free to know that I he didn't have to be focus of my misery that I'm single and that I lack gay friends. Because as much as I liked him and was attracted to him, he was also a reminder of what I didn't have and that knowledge that I wouldn't be having it with him.

When the mood strikes me for a quality sandwich or maybe even soup, I'll still go to this place but I don't think that I'll be hoping to see him there. That's fine with me.

On a sort of side note because it's so short that it doesn't really merit a posting of its own, but I tried talking some friends into going to Truman's with me. It's the only gay bar in the region. No one wants to do it. I don't like going to bars in the first place and there is no way in hell that I'm going there alone. Is there a gay buddy system that I can sign up for?

School doesn't start for a couple more weeks.

2007-08-03T19:15:00.000-04:00

My crush's last day was today. :-(

Damn it.

<--See also: "I'm not meeting my quota because of you."

Sometimes, I don't want to travel on this road.

2007-07-30T18:06:00.000-04:00

The other day I was driving along the bypass when I saw an orange mustang stopped on the side of the road. It’s not everyday that you come across an orange mustang. There was one guy that I knew that has one so I opened up my cell phone and texted, “Is that you sitting on the bypass?” I’ll stop for him.

High school wasn’t the greatest time of my life but it wasn’t as horrible as it could have been. Outside of school, I never really hung out with anyone. But I would say that I had friends there at school that I always looked forward to being with. Chris was one of them. He was actually one of the few guys that made me feel like a part of a group and the few times that I actually managed to get out of the house usually involved him.

I got a response. A one word sentence that brought his yearly total up to three. “No.”

I was having a trouble with someone at school. I’m not one to get into fights but I mentioned it to him. Hours later, I had heard that he “fixed” the problem. It blew me away that he would do that for me.

I was surprised that he had texted me back. Honestly. “Just checkin it looked like ur mustang.”

After graduation we didn’t see or talk to each other but every time I came home and we saw each other, we were on great terms. He even gave me some pointers in trying to land a job at his workplace. Still the time apart drove us a little further apart as he had his own circle of friends that he was closer to.

I would look back and forth at my phone constantly, hoping that he’d text more than just one word.

As I came out to more and more friends, I realized that eventually that the word was going to leak out. By this time last year, I had quit the formal coming out announcements. I just let the cards fall where they may. That’s how Staci found out who then told Kraig who then told his mom who then told Kevin and bamn the word was out. Chris is friends with Kraig. Really good friends.

I got nothing. I suppose I was expecting it all along.

Perhaps I’m being paranoid or reading too much into it but as my relationships have changed with people who knew before and after, I have noticed that some are now keeping their distance. And I can say that I’m better off because now I know who will be there for me but still, I miss those who are not. And maybe I’m missing him most of all. I would still stop for him.

I'm not meeting my quota because of you.

2007-07-09T17:35:00.000-04:00

Since day one of this job assignment that I'm on, I have been distracted by one of my coworkers who sits one row over in data entry. He's short(er) at probably 5'9. Stocky. He's got short brown hair with sideburns and a beard stubble. His eyes are greyish blue and he's got a lopsided smile. Seriously, I'm going to have to find a desk that faces away from him.

I followed him out of work today and drove alongside him along the road. His lane had construction so I let him squeeze in between me and the car ahead of me. I really wish I could have rear-ended him (shut up perverts) so that I might have an excuse to talk to him. Of course that probably wouldn't be the best way to introduce myself.

I look like who?

2007-06-30T20:04:00.000-04:00

Are you fucking kidding me? The closest one I look like is Margaret Cho!

I wouldn't say Pride...

2007-06-27T20:25:00.000-04:00

I felt very sad reading on the various blogs about the authors’ experiences with Pride this year. I felt like I had missed out on something. It’s really not as deep as that might sound but it was an event that I really wanted to experience. Unfortunately financial concerns kept me from making a trip out to Chicago like I had planned on earlier this year. While I may have missed out on it, I have been thinking over whether I would have been in appropriate state of mind to appreciate it.

I’ve come to a brick wall in my development which is why I haven’t been posting much on this blog anymore. Basically, everyone that I want to come out to already knows that I’m gay. It’s just my family that is that final hurdle and I’m currently up against it.

I think that I’m a pretty well adjusted person. I’ve come to embrace my sexuality in the sense that it gives me a whole new exciting outlook on life. I’ll admit I don’t know a lot but it’s something that I want to explore and see where it takes me. But does that make me a person that Pride is meant for?

I’ve got this idea that Pride is for people who are out there. The fearless sort who aren’t ashamed of who they are and don’t let other people’s opinion of them keep them from living out their life. So I don’t belong to that. I’d think that I’d be a hypocrite to show up at a Pride event while I still hide a large part of who I am from my family.

What I probably want most of all is to meet other gay people. Pride would have been a great opportunity to do that but that’s not the only way to do it. I could always go to Truman’s. It’s an uncomfortable as it requires me to get over a number of my issues such as going to a bar, meeting new people, and doing it all alone. I could use the internet and its social sites such as MySpace but that’s completely weird to me as well. “Hi. I saw your profile on MySpace. I think you’re cool. Wanna hang out?”

How do break into a community? I don’t like the answers that I’ve come up with so far.

He was never yours to lose.

2007-06-03T10:05:00.000-04:00

A little while ago I got off the IM with a fellow blogger and it got me thinking of a guy that I “miss.” I know that I’ve written about John before but I had to do it again.

When I was in the Philippines, I was staying at the international dorm. Mostly, it housed graduate students from other nations. It had better accommodations in comparison to the regular dorms available to the undergrads. I hate to sound mean, but the regular dorms are not acceptable to most American university students so most of stay at the international dorm where we can have toilet seats, or if we want to spend a little more on rent, air conditioning. The program that I was in had a partnership with Michigan State University and the University of Wisconsin and was geared mainly for agricultural economics students. The year that I applied, study abroad applications for that part of the world dropped, probably due to 9-11. I’d say in years prior, four students together from State and Wisconsin would go there. That year, no one applied at Wisconsin and I was the only applicant at State. (Yay, no competition!) So I went alone.

When I arrived I knew that that there weren’t going to be any American students in my program. Then when I talked to the staff there, I found out that I was the only American there period. Well, actually, there were a few Americans at the University, just not anywhere near me. Nope, it was me with a bunch of Filipinos, Malaysians, Indonesians, and Thais. I was largely fine with that. After all, I had come to reconnect with my heritage. But still, it felt like I was cut off from my people. A week in or so, I saw a white guy walking through the dorm lounge. He headed down to air conditioned wing. (I opted for the dirt cheap single room dorm that cost $80/month.) I thought, maybe there’s an American. Or it might have been one of those French students that I heard was around but never saw. Turns out his name was David and he was an Australian doing research here from the University of London. He was gone most of the time so I never really saw him.

Three weeks in and I began seeing another guy. He was usually in entrance lounge reading a newspaper. Then one night, on the 27th of June, I was watching TV in the lounge with my Korean friend, Lee. The white guy walks by and says hi to Lee. Bang! In those few seconds, I determined that he was from the Mid-west and played football (as evident by the shirt he wore and the accent he used.) Turns out Lee had met him beforehand and talked with him. Now it was my turn and I learned quite a bit about him.

John was there on an internship with one of the institutes. So he had to travel a bit. But when he was here, we managed to hang out quite a bit. Looking back at my journal entries of the time, I’m not surprised at how frequently he appears in my entries. Now, he didn’t strike me as particularly attractive and I fell for him slowly.

After a few conversations with him, I began to suspect that he might be gay. He was like me in so many ways that it was scary. Make me drop a 1/3 of my body weight, make me white with blond hair, and take an interest in rugby and frats and I’d be him. The little things like him being a virgin but claiming chastity yet oddly fascinated with sex. I mean, I’ve never talked about masturbation habits until I met him. I remember him focusing on the penis and him prodding the rest of us guys to reveal how big we were. There were the homoerotic stories of his fraternity such as the “helicockter” guy that had a penis so large that he would swing it in circles. Then there were the conversation topics on how pervasive homosexuality was in the Philippines versus the America (John and I), Japan (Shigeto), and Korea (Lee). There was one occasion as he was going on and on about it that I looked over with a are-you-fucking-for-real look on my face.

Still, I loved seeing him. I couldn’t wait for my classes to get over just so that I had the opportunity to hang with him. I suggested lunch and dinners together, going out shopping, trips to Manila, watching pirated movies—just anything. His hold over me was insidious and could bring out the worst feelings of me such as jealousy and anger when he planned a trip with Lee and then Shigeto. I wouldn’t be able to go because of classes. I felt so much shame when that typhoon came in and wrecked their plans because I was happy.

My time with him was brief. I was there for the semester. He was only there for the summer. Before I knew it he was gone. The night before he left, I gave him something. I’ve only done this with two other people in my life and it’s sort of like a tradition. Whenever I leave someone that I know that I probably will never see again, I give them something of mine that I treasure. I didn’t bring much with me to the Philippines, so I was kind of limited. But I did bring two Air Force coins with me. Those in the military know what I’m talking about. So I gave him my “Fighting Terrorism” coin. I had gotten it as a response of 9-11 and was my most valued coin.

I saw him leave in the morning. I shook his hand and said good-bye. Then I watched him disappear down the street. I just stood there for a while before going back upstairs. There, I lost it. I cried. As much as I denied it before, at that moment, I allowed myself to feel. I was gay. I fell for a guy that made me feel more alive that I had felt in a long time. Now I was miserable because he was gone. I had lost him and probably would never see him again. The rest of my time in the Philippines never came close to the time he was there with me.

I tried to keep in touch with him but it was hard. It always consisted of me contacting him and then him giving me a short reply back. I don’t respond well to that. If I have to keep making the first move in contact, pretty soon I stop bothering. Anyways, with him, I kept trying every now and again. We became friends on facebook, then he quit, then he came back, then he quit again. I knew that I was going to loose him for good.

The last time I wrote him, he had quit facebook once again. I didn’t think he was going to come back so I used his gmail address and asked him a question. It was a question that I had always wanted to ask him. Even if it meant me intruding on his business, I had to know and so I asked him, “are you gay?” He wrote back and said that he wasn’t. And that was it.

I had never felt for someone what I felt for John. And though my feelings weren’t reciprocated, I wouldn’t have changed what happened. Despite the ending, it gave me something the hold on to and cherish. Eventually, someone is going to come along and I will know something deeper and better than what I felt. For now, I’d rather hurt than still wonder.

So Fast It's Scary

2007-04-25T16:45:00.000-04:00

Remember Panera Bread man from a few posts back? I still have this crush on him although, I have largely gotten over it. I didn’t know him so it’s hard to keep the idea of dating this guy fresh. I know it sounds stalkish, but every now and then, I do go by his MySpace page and see what’s new with him.

For the past couple of weeks, he has been going out with this guy. I’ll call him Jay. So after two weeks, they are already all about the L-word and spending the rest of their lives together. And I’m thinking, “Glad I didn’t get on that boat.” This was definitely a case of bringing the U-haul on the second date as Laura, my lesbian co-worker, once said. Seriously. Two Weeks?!

Now I’ll concede, I do think that it is possible to fall in love rather shortly. I fell for John very quickly and when he left after a few weeks, I was so heartbroken that I cried. Scared the shit out of me that I was doing that for a guy. I wouldn’t say that I was in love with him, but it was… something. However, despite that, I just don’t understand how you could openly cling to one another like that after a little amount of time. Maybe it’s just my rational head, but it’s seems so fast for me.

For anyone who may have the fortune of dating me, (I am a catch you know. *grins*) don’t tell me that you love me after knowing me for only two weeks. I repeat, don’t. More than likely, you’re going to freak me out because I will not say, “I love you,” until I am absolutely sure. It’s not a phrase I throw out lightly. Trust me, when I do say those words, it’ll be real and it will be felt. It will be worth waiting for.

Tempting Fate by Mail

2007-04-24T13:37:00.000-04:00

The other day I registered for the Law School Data Assembly Service (LSDAS) and the Law School Admissions Test (LSAT). Going through the various steps for registration, the website asked me certain questions. These questions, if I chose to answer them, would be released to third parties. The questions were about race and sexual orientation. So I released my personal information in the hopes some law school might want to “recruit” me.

I have no problem with releasing my race. I did hesitate when it came to the question of whether I am a gay student. I was worried that if I marked that, then I would start receiving promotional materials in the mail. What a nice surprise my parents would have when the go to the mail box and pull out a letter for me from the Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Students Society of So and So. Yeah, that would go down well.

I clicked the box. I figured that if I didn’t, I could be closing the door to an opportunity that may never occur again. I wasn’t going to let my fear of my parents’ rejection guide this decision. I’m not second guessing that decision. It’s kinda surprising actually. But should those pieces of mail come, I guess I will deal with it then .

All Quiet on the Homo Front

2007-04-20T12:33:00.000-04:00

There really hasn't been too much to blog about lately. Some things got a little mention on the main blog but I didn't think they needed a post here. At least, I didn't want to talk about it in much detail.

I recently posted on Tangled Thoughts that I will be going with my friend, Sara, on a Speed Date. I got a comment from Moncrief that made me think a bit. He wrote, "Why not concentrate on finding a boyfriend?"

The short answer to that question is because I'm not ready. I made a decision that I would not date or otherwise get into a physical or emotional relationship until after I come out to my parents. I don't need my parents approval. I just don't want to have to drag my boyfriend into the closet with me. I don't think that is fair to him.

I admit there is also a more emotional components. Fear. Fear that I'm not desirable. Fear that I'm largely ignorant. Fear of rejection.

I really do want a boyfriend. Sometimes so badly that it makes me tear up. If the right circumstances came along, I'd throw caution to the wind. But so far, that hasn't happened.

What I really want and need is a friend who can show me the way. I want to know that when I finally make a break for it, there's going to be someone on the other side. Does that make any sense?

I'd go to the other end of the city.

2007-03-15T08:17:00.000-04:00

Over the summer, I worked with this kid named Scott. I remember when he walked in with who I assumed was his boyfriend and picked up, filled out, and turned in an application. I wanted to work with him so that I could be exposed to gay life. Until he came along, the only other guy that I knew lived up in Lansing.

I didn’t find Scott attractive. That’s not to say that he’s ugly or anything, it’s just that he didn’t do anything for me. However, I thought that his boyfriend was pretty hunky. Ashley, who worked with us over the summer came in a couple months ago and said that Scott and Craig had broken up. One of the first thoughts that I had was, “Great. Someone’s available!” As crass as that sounds, I was also sorry to hear about it. I genuinely wished Scott to have a happy relationship. Plus, I wasn’t ready to start dating.

With my renewed interest in MySpace, I used the browse feature to see gay guys within a twenty mile radius of Niles. The group listing that was generated wasn’t that interesting. However, there was one photo that caught my eye and I clicked on it. Lo and behold, it was Craig. Fate? Probably not but it made me wish that it was.

Yesterday, I went to the Old Navy store in south South Bend for some pants. The store on Grape Road didn’t have the size I needed. Since I was there, I decided to eat lunch at this eatery. I remembered that Craig worked there as the store manager. And whadda ya know? He was there.

Craig actually took my order. I tried to remain calm and normal. At the same time, I was trying to establish as much eye contact as I could with the hopes he might realize that I was attracted to him. What? I heard that’s what humans do. Anyways, I didn’t really get anything from him. Instead, I imagined that his occasional glances my way meant more than just the casual surveillance of the crowd.

When I went into work that night, I told Danielle all about it. She asked me if the guy’s name was Nate? No. But there’s a gay guy there named Nate? Is that good or bad? Apparently she knows this Nate guy. So she’s my “in.” I think she’s teasing me when she suggests that she’s going to make some inquiries for me. Presumably through Nate. I tell her not to but secretly, I want her to do it.

Emerging Sensitivity

2007-03-12T11:11:00.000-04:00

It was a rough day for me today and it shouldn’t have been. I had the day off and a lot of great things were happening. But every one of them was ruined by some homophobic remark or action. By themselves, they weren’t huge. Chris expressed disgust about a gay couple. A girl told another girl that she was “gay” for choosing a particular item. My dad grimaced and said “yech” when a gay couple on The Amazing Race kissed each other on the lips. Now at the end of the day, I’ve just had enough of it all and want to go to sleep.

I’ve never been a person to be moved by the thoughts, words, or actions of other people. I’ve got slight libertarian outlook to things so I basically don’t begrudge people based on their beliefs. Want to hate black people? Fine. Want to raise fifteen children under strict Christian principles? Knock yourself out. Think gay people are the spawn of Satan? I used to not care. Now, I do.

With Chris, I’ve always considered him a good guy. He’s always been in my corner. We may not have been the best of buds in high school, but I never felt at odds with him. Out of the entire class, that makes him one of two. That’s not to say that I hated everyone else. It’s just that he never made my ever changing shit list. Now he’s on it because of how he reacts to this gay couple that we know. And I don’t know if it’s the sexuality that is the real issue, but he uses it. Today, I just wanted to deck him when he suggested that he wouldn’t want to be the guest of a gay couple.

With the two girls, it was more of a shock because the one was maybe fourteen. And the context of how the word was used was awkward. Even if you are tolerant of the usage as an expression of saying something is odd, it still didn’t seem to fit right. Why would choosing a Diet Dr. Pepper be “gay?”

I really don’t know how Dad is going to handle it when I come out to him. Quite honestly, I expect there to be lot of yelling and stomping. Maybe more. I hope not though. A simple peck on the lips by two gay men is something he has to avert his eyes from. Meanwhile, I look in the crowds to see two men holding hands because such a simple sign of affection gives me more hope than any bill in legislature, speech by a politician, or decision handed down from a court.

Now at the end of the night, I can go to sleep. I think tomorrow will be a better day.

I let it get to me.

2007-03-05T08:33:00.000-05:00

Erin is bringing a coworker named Chris to the Y some time. She says he is gay too. It’s not a set up for me. He just wanted to check the place out. Usually, I hang out at her house after our class and watch Monday night TV. He will join us. I’m looking forward to it. I don’t know any gay guys around here.

I got a text from my friend Sara. She wants me to go speed dating with her next month. It sounds like it would be fun but it wouldn’t be any benefit to me. I’d be there mostly to support her.

I was complaining to Erin about how I like this guy… and before I went on she said, “Is this an internet guy or a real one?” I suppose my attention needs to be brought back from the cyber world.

Things have been happening in addition to the above lately that has thrown me into a loop. I’m not going to go into what it is because it is embarrassing. Suffice to say, it has been hurting me so much that I’ve been thinking about giving blogging a break. When I say that, I mean not posting on my blog and not visiting anyone else.

That’s it. Avoid the pain.

I wonder if the people, that I converse with on the blogs, and I lived near each other, would we be friends?

I’m not giving up blogging. I enjoy it. I’m going to get through this because this is for myself.

I’m going to meet Chris. I will check him out. If that speed dating thing has a gay circuit, I’m willing to consider going to it. Yes, I will get over my internet crush because it doesn’t do anything for me.

I need to focus.

Invisible Man on Second

2007-02-17T10:58:00.000-05:00

Whenever I am in a conversation about me having kids, I cringe. I usually try to avoid the subject by saying that I don’t plan on having kids. Sometimes that backfires because then the other wants to know why I won’t be having kids. To tell you the truth, it does bother me that odds of having children are slimmer because I am gay. But when it comes down to it, that really doesn’t have anything to do with it. I’m not sure I would make a good father.

As I was running at the Y, I spied on a father and his two children that were playing down below in the gymnasium. The kids were so young, I couldn’t even venture a good guess as to how old they were. The three were shooting hoops. The young boy was given a volleyball because it was lighter. The even younger girl was hoisted up so she could actually get the ball in the basket. I kept watching them at half-minute intervals as I made my run.

Eventually, the little boy grew tired of basketball and wanted to play kickball. He marched up to the Y icon in the middle of the room saying, “This is home base.” Then he went on to mark out first base and so on.

Home base I had forgotten about that. I would have called it home plate.

When I came back around, they were playing. Dad was naturally the pitcher. I saw the little girl kick the ball and the Dad half-heartedly went after it so that she could make her base. On the next lap, I saw the boy kick the ball directly into his dad’s arms only to have his dad drop it so he wouldn’t be called out.

“Okay. Invisible man on second.” Dad saw both his kids on a base an no one was available to kick.

Invisible man Gosh, it had to been fifth grade or so since I last had to use an invisible man to hold a base.

I kept circling around the track thinking about how awesome this man was with his kids. He was participating in something that I had practically forgotten. While the episode made me smile, it also made me question if I could ever be that cool Dad. I’m afraid of kids. I don’t relate to them. I wouldn’t even know what to do with one of them.

I would like to think that if I am blessed with a child, that it would all come back to me. Or at least, I’ll learn as I go and experience childhood all over again.

Out of Control

2007-02-14T09:36:00.000-05:00

I’d like to think that Erin and I operate on the same wavelength most of the time. I’m beginning to think that we share the same taste in men. My first clue was the whole men-in-uniform thing. Yes, I am a sucker for a military man. Then there were conversations in which we would discuss who we thought were good looking and more often than not, we were in agreement.

Shortly before class was starting, she and I were talking about some subject that I’ve already forgotten. In the middle of the topic she tells me that she has got something to tell me but she couldn’t do it then because of the people present. She claimed that she was, “out of control.”

When we began, I noticed that a new guy had come to the class. I had seen him before. Oh yes, I have checked him out elsewhere in the gym and can remember his unique features. I was a little excited as he took his position behind me and all throughout class, I was trying my hardest to sneak glances at him.

Erin and I headed to Martins for dinner. There, she told me what she mentioned earlier. She described this really hot guy that she was hot for. She was “out of control” and lost in lust and wanting to find out if yoga really did improve a person’s sex life. She said that this really hot guy had come to last Wednesday’s class. I was intrigued as he went on to describe how “flexible” he was.

“He was actually behind you tonight.”

I nearly chocked on my sandwich. She was lusting after the same guy I was! We both fixated on his most obvious feature: his obscenely large package. Seriously, this man is bursting out of his shorts.

I’m hoping that he’ll become a regular to the class. He’s already got an audience. We’re out of control.

Sick of Waiting

2006-12-21T19:58:00.000-05:00

I’m suffering so much that I actually catch myself smiling. Sounds odd I know. But before I go on, I want to warn you that this post is about my sex life (or rather the lack thereof). But it definitely may be TMI for you.

Masturbation and pornography suck! Lately I’ve been thinking, “Been there. Done that.” While they both serve a function, I get no real satisfaction out of it. As early as last year, they were enough for me to get by. Now, it’s just available and I approach them with an attitude of, “Eh, why not? I’ve got a couple minutes to spare.” Sometimes, though, it actually highlights my frustrations. The reason why is because I am desperate for some sex. Dear God, I’ve regressed to a sex-starved teenager and it’s new to me.

After coming out to myself, I eventually did end up with some interesting dreams about other guys. I was dreading that it was going to escalate into wet dreams—a sort of return to puberty or perhaps making up for lost time. This was not so. The dreams were more relationship centered rather than about sex.

So sex really hasn’t been in my life. But now that I’ve let myself flow with my emotions, I am getting a bit twitchy. When I see the Centennial Guy or Ryan, I want to hit them with my club and drag them back to my cave. And as much as it hurts to know that I can’t do that, I laugh at myself at how utterly ridiculous I must be. To my horror, I’m acting like some horned up teen.

I used to think that I would wait until I was in a committed relationship before having sex. It’s getting to the point where I’d do it with the first gives me a once-over. While I may not wait for the man of my dreams, I definitely don’t want my first time to be with a stranger.

Ugh…where’s my porn?

I Bet She Knew It All Along

2006-12-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

If you’ve read my other blog, you probably know that my Nanay (actually, my maternal grandmother) died recently. Her death has prompted many hours of reflection on the time that she spent with me. I have long suspected that she probably had me figured out. I think she knew I was gay.

In the late 80’s my father was stationed in the Florida Keys. Our home was in Key West. (Imagine that.) My sister was born while we were there. Since both of my parents worked, my mom brought over her mother to help. Nanay took care of my sister and I through the Key West assignment and through the next.

It was in Key West that things happened to me that would probably make people think that I might like guys. There was boy in the neighborhood. He was a little older than me and we didn’t hang around each other much. In fact, I remember him being a little bit of a bully sometimes. One day, I was playing all by myself which was very unusual in those days. The rest of my friends weren’t home for some reason or another. My parents were gone too. It was only my Nanay and I. I remember I was outside on the driveway. Which meant I was either playing with sidewalk chalk—or frying ants with my magnifying glass. The kid came up and wanted to hang. My friends weren’t around so I guess I was happy to do whatever with him.

I couldn’t tell you why it happened but we ended up under the couch cover in the living room. I think we were trying to play fort or something. Anyways, as we lay side by side, he asked me how I wanted to be kissed. I chose the French kiss because it was more quiet. We moved to a bedroom where we got under the bed covers and had an extended make out session. I can remember how our teeth sometimes clanged together and the sound it made. It got hot and heavy until it ended when he asked me to suck his dick. I didn’t. Pee-Pee came out of that thing! I probably would have but the mood was effectively killed.

I must’ve looked like a mess because when we emerged from the bedroom, we ran into Nanay. She must’ve been in the kitchen working during all this time but she did not look happy. I tried to read her face and it told me that she knew what we had done.

A year or so later, we were in the Philippines. Apparently I was quite the effeminate kid because the new neighborhood kids called me bakla. Basically they were calling me queer or fag. I still didn’t know what queer was. To me, they were calling me a girl. Boys calling each other a girl was something I grew up with even in the States so I didn’t care about it too much. There were some days when the teasing was a little harsh but I still didn’t get the connection. But because I didn’t understand was truly meant, doesn’t mean that Nanay didn’t.

If I really was throwing off signals, why didn’t my father notice? He has said to me that I used to act like a little girl. He probably saw me kissing Jon on the dock that one day because he yelled at me. Jon told me the next day that his father said that Jon and I couldn’t kiss anymore. By the way, don’t think I’m a slut because I’ve only kissed two boys my age. Jon and the other boy. But if he knew I was probably gay, why would he say things that would make me feel so horrible? Why would you make a child feel that love was given on condition?

I knew that my grandmother loved me. I was her grandson who, because of distance, time, and culture, could be a virtual stranger. But I was hers and that’s the way it was.

The end is still the same.

2006-12-04T10:16:00.000-05:00

I know that I’m jumping a number of steps but let me post about children. I say that I don’t want them. I’m honestly petrified of picking one up. But I’m totally into them and I won’t let anyone know that I am. I thought the dream of having my own family went out the window when I came out to myself. Now, I’m glad to say that I’ve regained that dream.

While I have accepted that I may not find a guy to love or kids to raise, it doesn’t mean that will happen that way. Running through imaginary numbers in my head, I had resigned myself to a life alone. Yet, the net has done wonders to battle my pessimism. I’m reading blogs about guys who are in great relationships. If you don’t mind a plug, one of my favorite blogs to lurk around is The Brian’s. When he describes his son doing things that should make me cringe, I get goose bumps as well as envious (the good kind of envious). I eat it up. I want it so bad.

Should I ever get this law thing started, one of the fields that I am looking into is family law. In particular, I want to get into adoption. Mostly though, I want to help other gay couples fight through a system that is stacked against them. I’m not going to let the gov’t discourage me and other from forming a relationships and starting families.

I’m 24 now. In some ways, I feel old and the time is slipping by. In less than a year, one of my first life goals will pass. I’m not going to be getting engaged to a girl. Nor will I be marrying her when I’m 26. That baby at age 28 isn’t looking likely either. In another way, I feel like I’m half my age. I’m a twelve year old just beginning to have “feelings” and waiting for that first kiss. (Really, I haven’t been kissed yet. I’m in a Drew Berrymore movie or something.) Dating? I keep telling myself that I’m not ready for a relationship. But another part of me says that if the opportunity presents itself, I’m going to grab him and run. It’s scary and exciting.

So, no, don’t know what is beyond the end of my nose. That’s okay with me because something better has to be on its way. I’m crossing my fingers for a guy and a baby. The house and dog would be nice too.

Table For Two Singles

2006-11-20T12:19:00.000-05:00

My friend Erin and I went to see the new James Bond film on Friday. She and I, on occasion, go out to see a movie. Sometimes I wonder, “are we on a date?” Well, of course we’re not on a date. But for few seconds, I allow myself to dream that I can be the person that I am pressured to be. After those brief moments, I remind myself of the reality of the situation. As much as I would wish it, I am not the man for her.

It is hard to describe what I feel for her. Can I truly say that I love her? Yes. I am certain I do. But I don’t love her that way. And I know that I do not love her like I love my friends. She’s different—more special. And it confused the hell out of me during my senior year of high school when I had a real chance of dating her with a relationship in mind. In the end, I was too scared to develop it any further.

She and I went to different universities. We sorta lost touch with each other. There was an occasional email but little more. Then we reconnected and eventually became roommates for an academic year when she got a position at a hospital in Lansing. (Becoming roommates caused our parents to sweat a little.) Now after graduation, we’ve come back home and I still see her with some regularity. I must give her most of the credit when it comes to my “successes” at socializing.

Erin was the second friend that I came out to. (Third, overall.) I expected my first friend to be my support—my rock. With Erin, I figured that of all my friends, she needed to know the truth. I felt that she deserved that after what I considered putting her through. There is some regret that I did not pursue a romantic relationship with her. For the most part, I’m glad I didn’t. I never want to cause her pain. Fate spared us, at worst, a nasty break-up and years of pain.

At present, we serve as each other’s “dates” when occasion calls for it. I like it. We’re both single and it gets us doing things best not done alone. We don’t portray ourselves as a couple. So we’re not completely satisfied with it. It’ll do for now but there is an understanding that when something better comes along, we’ll meet each other under different circumstances.

On the trip back from the movies, she told me of here troubles of finding a decent guy. (Join the club.) There was this worry that she would never find him. I couldn’t think of anything to say that would cheer her up. I’m not one of those people who will say, “Don’t worry, some guy will come along.” I’ve come to the realization that the right guy might never come along for me or her. The only thing I could say was, “I have faith.”

I do have faith. Sorry if this sounds a little puffed up, but she and I are both good catches. And damn it, any guy should count themselves lucky to have us. Right now, I’m not worried too much about myself. I think I have a little more road to travel before I’m ready to start dating. As for her, she’s been ready for a while now. I hope she meets him soon. I want Erin to be happy. Even if it meant no longer going to the movies with her—I want her to live the dream that she has. The husband, the kids, the cats, all of it. And just like in the past when I heard about her boyfriend, I’ll be a little jealous. But I’ll be happy for her even more.

Yeah, I'm a Softy

2006-11-08T17:14:00.000-05:00

It’s a couple days late but I guess it is time I weighed in on the Ted Haggard story. I avoided the subject because I had a lot of negative things to say but it was largely forced and echoed a lot of other gay authored blogs out there. There is a sort of satisfaction seeing someone like Haggard being exposed. I wanted to join the tanks of those who say Haggard got his just deserts and demonize him for being an evil Christian fundamentalist working against gays everywhere. But I can’t. You see, up until a few years ago, I was pretty much in his shoes. If Proposal 2 in Michigan came in 2002 instead of 2004, I probably would have supported the gay marriage ban. My belief in what was acceptable was different then. Well, I take that back, my views are largely the same but are…broadened. I understand him because in a lot of ways, I am just like him. I’m a conservative, Christian republican—labels that turn many gays off.

Even though I do hate him just a little, I mainly feel sorry for Haggard. But don’t get me wrong, I am extremely disappointed that he was cheating on his wife with a hooker and doing drugs. (I think it is fair that he went beyond “experimenting” and is, in fact, attracted to men.) I think that he deserved to getting fired and I think that he got off light. But I stop there. I don’t want the man to suffer any more than he has to. I actually hope that he can come to terms with who he is. Self-hatred tends to be bring out self-destruction. I understand the desire to see this man grovel, but I would also hope that the gay community would accept time. Providing, of course, that he drops his anti-homosexuality stance. Sadly, I don’t see that happening for both sides.

This has also got me thinking about another topic—outing. I won’t do it. The first guy I came out to also said that he doesn’t out people. That gave me the courage to come out to him. I felt that I had a safe environment. I want every person to have that safety as well. For a while, I applied that to literally everyone. Under no circumstances is it appropriate to out someone.

Last year, there was a big debate raging on some blogs about Mike Rogers and John Avarosis who were intent on exposing gay republicans. The purpose was to do damage to the Republican Party by destroying credibility. Basically the argument was that if you work against gay rights, you deserved to be outed. “Working against” included working for the party. It didn’t matter if your involvement was not directly tied to policies dealing with homosexuals. Because the party platform is seen to be hostile to gays, working for the party also means that you are also working against gays. “If you’re not with us, you’re against us,” argument. (Great, I can’t believe I just wrote that.)

Immediately, I condemned the tactics. And as a person who has worked in a republican office, I was horrified. Look, I know that working for the Republican Party seems wrong and I realize that if I was outed, any future career prospects would become limited. Yet, even though I had nothing to with legislation, I could be targeted.

Lately, I’ve begun to crack on that. With Haggard, Foley, McGreevy, and so on, I no longer feel the need to protect them from people who want to expose them. As a celebrity or a politician, you have no expectation to privacy. Everyone is going to be up in your business. It comes with being in the public eye. So with Haggard, sure I can put on a little smirk. He preached against gays by day and had gay sex by night. He got called on it and I’m glad that it happened. But when it comes to the three that I just mentioned, I think it is sad that we grew up in a society that makes us feel ashamed to be what we are. It is that self-loathing that causes us to choose something that we think is right rather than something that is right.

We are all human. I’m not going to waste my time or energy hating someone who went along a path I nearly took. I won’t excuse his actions but I won’t turn my back on him. In the latest news articles, Haggard admits to sexual immorality, indicating that he still believes that homosexuality is a sin. If and when he finally makes that realization, I’ll still have hope that he finds what he has been looking forward to all along.

We don’t need to tear down the opposition. I think it is better to win the argument.

Where's my Scottie?

2006-10-23T10:08:00.000-04:00

If you have been reading my main blog, you should already know that I am becoming a fan of Brothers & Sisters, the new show on ABC. One of the reasons it is becoming addicted is the relationship between Kitty and her mother. Liberal mother clashing against conservative daughter. It is fascinating to watch. But another important reason why I am watching it is because of the character Kevin.

Kevin is the gay middle child of the pack who is also a lawyer. The character has been in the background of the series. From the looks of things, he is mild-mannered and gets along with all members of the family. Yet at the same time, his relationship doesn’t seem to be very strong perhaps with the exception of Kitty, whom he always goes to for gossip.

Kevin’s thread so far is limited but here’s what has happened. He was working on a case which called for him to have contact with one of the witnesses named Scottie. In one episode, he is interviewing Scottie for the case when he is stopped. Scottie comes to realize, “You’re a gay.” Kevin is clearly thrown off his tracks but doesn’t deny it. Scottie basically tells him that while he may be out, he is not proud. He calls Kevin a conformist.

During another interview, one of Kevin’s sisters runs into Scottie as he was arriving. She invites him to her and Kevin’s mother’s dinner party. He eagerly accepts much to Kevin’s annoyance. He brings cupcakes to the dinner and in the closing moments of the episode, Kevin smiles to himself and bites into one.

The next episode I missed half of, but from what I could gather, Kevin asked Scottie out on a date. Kevin’s mom however wants to go out that night and Kevin feels that he must accompany her so he cancels his date with Scottie. When Kevin and his mother arrive at the theater, he runs into Scottie with his date. Kevin is disturbed when he sees Scottie holding his date’s hand. Although an offer was made for the four of them to sit together, he nixes it.

In this last episode, Scottie confronts Kevin and beats a little sense into him. They set up a dinner date. During that dinner everything seems to be going well. They are connecting and Scottie leans over and kisses Kevin. After that Kevin shuts down. During the walk back, Scottie asks what happened with that kiss. Kevin says that he isn’t comfortable with public displays of affection and that he wouldn’t be even if he was straight. Scottie calls him on his bullshit and says that the real issue is his own homophobia—that he was really not comfortable in his own skin. Kevin shoots back that if Scottie knew him so well, then he would know that kissing him in public was the wrong thing to do and he should let people mature in their own time. The next day, Scottie shows up at Kevin’s door to apologize. Kevin admitted that Scottie was right, kisses him in front of a neighbor, and invites him in.

In some ways, I feel like I am Kevin. I am that guy who will stand in the back, content not to be noticed. I do have my own homophobia. I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I’m lost in this gray area where I don’t feel gay, straight, masculine, feminine, right, wrong, or anything. There is a disconnect in my life where I don’t know where I am or who I should be. And I don’t want to bring anyone else into this hell or in a lot of cases, let them even know what I feel. Sometimes, I think I need a Scottie to shock my system and to call me out on my BS.

On Kids

2006-10-23T09:03:00.000-04:00

I went to see Ethan yesterday. My friend, Sara, had him a few days ago and I wanted to see the little tyke for myself. As much as I would like to, I won’t be blogging much about him. There are things that the whole world doesn’t need to know about. (Even though I’m getting the feeling no one is reading this anymore. Ha.) But there is something about me that you should know about. Hey, I know you want to know about the baby but this blog is about me and I will fulfill my need for self-promotion.

I want to have children. I tell everyone that I won’t have them because it deflects those questions that I most dread: “So, when are you going to find a girlfriend?” “When are you going to settle down?” “When can I expect grandkids?” Also, it serves as a sort of prophecy. I may not have children. Time is fleeting and I’m not keeping up. I fear that by the time I get my act together, it will be too late.

I fear babies. It seems kind of odd that I would want to have children and yet I would be so afraid of them. When I looked at Ethan, I wanted to pick him up and hold him. He is a creation—a new life. I knew his mother before he was born. I knew his father before he was born. I knew life without his existence and it is a wonder to see something new come into this world and be loved to such a degree. All I could do was sit there, watch him, and touch his cheek. Sara asked if I wanted to hold him. I couldn’t. My fear of upsetting him or even hurting him in the slightest kept me paralyzed. There are few things in this world that petrifies me to that level.

On the ride over, I wondered how I would react to the baby. Would he be just another baby that looks cute? Would he be more important than that? Sara isn’t in my life. She hasn’t been for a while but I still consider her my friend. Certain things have caused us to drift apart but I will always feel a connection for her. I mean, there has been no child or mother whom I have been so eager to see in my life (with an exception of my mother when she gave birth to my sister). I don’t know how the future will unfold for Ethan, Sara, or me. But I would hope that I can at least look in on them from time to time.

Lean on me...

2006-10-18T08:35:00.000-04:00

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night. Once I’m awake, it takes a while to get back to sleep again. As I stared up past the ceiling, my mind wandered to a good memory. It’s one that I’ve kept to myself for a while now. It’s one of those few moments where I did something despite my fears of being “gay.”

Last night I thought about Joe H. Mr. H and I were in AFROTC. He was in the year ahead of me. I’ll say this now: I have never had any attraction to H. He is, though, one of the greatest guys you could ever be fortunate to meet. He was one of my primary motivators that got me as far into the program as I did. Sometimes, I wonder what he is up to.

In 2001, the cadre arraigned a Spring Break trip to Washington D.C. It was only for a few days. Three if I remember right. Cheap too. Think $40 or so. To get there, we would be taking a chartered bus which is where that moment happened.

After a few hours of talking and me being introduced to “Office Space,” most of us settled down to catch some sleep since we had left East Lansing at absurd time in the morning. I can’t sleep very much when I’m on a road trip. There’s too much to see and I don’t want to miss it so I took a window seat. H took a seat next to me and eventually he fell asleep. A little while later I felt a thump on my shoulder. H made himself comfortable by leaning on my side as he slept. I let him. Believe me, my mind was going a million miles and hour in the one second it took for me to decide to let him rest.

Should I shove him off? My first reaction was to do just that. It was “gay.” I couldn’t let some guy lean on my like that. Guys didn’t do that. Doing anything that would seem gay was something to be avoided—even amongst cadets. Should I let him go on? He wasn’t making me feel uncomfortable. In fact, I was happy that he was able to become more comfortable using my side ‘cause those seat back really weren’t designed properly.

So then I start running the scenarios. If I shove him off, he’s going to wake up and possibly feel embarrassed. If I let him stay there, he’d eventually wake up on his own and most likely correct the situation. Then that would go two ways. He would either say nothing or he would say, “why didn’t you wake me up?” My solution was to doze of myself. Worse case scenario in which he or anyone else confronted me, I could say that I didn’t even realize it.

The whole thing wasn’t some sick idea of getting close to a guy. I don’t have any sexual attraction to Joe and I never had. But for once, I wanted to do something for him. Even if really was nothing it was still that one small thing that would happen for just a short while. One guy could lean on another for comfort without it having to be all… slimy. It was back to a time when siblings in a car would sleep on each other.

He slept there for a while. I felt him wake up and like one of the scenarios I thought up, he moved himself off my side and fell back asleep using the seat back. Inwardly I smiled. One day, I hoped, someone more important will come into my life and they would be able to lean on me and be completely okay with it. So would I.

Here, a few of us broke off from some other groups to go tour the Capitol Building.

In every photo that was taken from me, I have a wicked case of Kim Jung-il hair.

I like him?

2006-10-10T22:18:00.000-04:00

They say that you can’t help who you fall for. For the past few months I have been crushing hard for the Centennial guy that works at the other end of the mall. I’m not lying when I say that they guy is Grade A Hunk. Although he still provides plenty of eye candy material, I’m over him. Today it dawned on me that I have been attracted all this time to another guy. And it’s an insidious attraction—the kind you aren’t even aware of.

Since starting to work here, I’ve gotten to know a lot of the workers at this end of the mall as they come in for drink and snacks. One of our regulars is Ryan. He works across the hall and two stall down. He’s got this lopsided grin and his left eyebrow arches when he talks. He also comes off kind of bashful at first but as you get to know him and you get to know him, he opens up. He’s no model, but he’s hot in the way that really matters. I don’t know, I never really gave him much thought but today he came in and bought a pop like usual. A few minutes after he left I caught myself going to the front of the store to see if he was visible in his. He was. He looked up and saw me looking at him. We both nodded in acknowledgement.

Wow. I like this guy. I have for a while. And it’s so cool that I see him almost every time he and I work. But if past precedent means anything, he’s probably straight. How does one play the are-you-gay dance? Other than saying, “hey, are you gay, cause if you are, I’d like to ask you out,” I wouldn’t know what to do.

I swear there needs to be a homo help book or something.

*

2006-10-06T22:42:00.000-04:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I should be happy. I have to constantly tell myself that things are better now than they used to be. I've got regular people coming to my blog. Things are going great with my friends and my relationships with some people are growing. Yet, I can't help but feel so alone. Day after day I try to put on some front where everything seems okay--that I'm okay. Maybe I'd believe it.

This blog has seemed empty lately. I suppose since opening up the main blog, it seems natural that everyone would want to head over there. For the most part, Tangled Thoughts does reflect me a little more completely than Peering Out. But my pain is here. For once, I'd like someone to take it away. Everything that I can't express, that I can't acknowledge, that I can't give to someone else. I cry for that one person to notice but I'm too stubborn or stupid to let anyone really know what's going on. 'Cause in my head, if anyone cared, they already would have.

No one likes a downer.

Why were we talking about that?

2006-10-03T12:49:00.000-04:00

So it was great to see Karl again. I wasn’t expecting to see him until Erin and I made our way up to Grand Rapids. Last year, when Erin told me about him, she right of the bat said he wasn’t my type. It was true but he is a bundle of fun all on his own. He looked happy to see me and we made sure to get a picture which I am currently trying to get a copy.

The last person that I outed myself to was my sister. Since then, the only way people have been finding out is through conversing with me. I’m a little sick (not quite the word I’m looking for) of having to sit people down in order to explain it to them. I’d much rather just take it like everyone knows. That’s how Stacey found out who then told Kraig. So even though I knew that he knew, I never talked to him about it. But it definitely was confirmed when we playing 4 Kings. There were things said there that he could not possibly dismiss and I knew that he got it. Boobs don’t interest me. Boxer briefs do look good on guys (well fit ones anyways). And hell yes, I’m going to cheer on Kevin and Bobby having to take off their clothes (not that they were going to anyways.)

When we went out the bar, it became the thing to talk about the gays. I don’t know, Karl and I probably didn’t let it die. But while we were there, Kraig seemed to be a little mad that it was only recently that Kevin (Kraig’s brother, not the one at the party) actually went up to him and basically confirmed that he was gay. He has known all this time. Well I never told him that I was gay either. But it got me thinking, what is our obligation to out ourselves? Was he expecting the same thing with me?

Kraig pretty much says that he’s got a good gaydar on him since he has lived with his brother. So he’s got a ten point list to match people against. If a subject scores at least a six, then he knows that person is gay. I wanted to know what the list was and he never did get around to naming them all but what he did name out such as cleaning/decorating, they didn’t apply to me.
Intrigued, I wanted to know if he ever suspected me. He nodded his head yes, and I knew he was probably lying. I was right. He quickly retracted saying that he really didn’t since he grew up with me. He grew up with Kevin.

I wonder what Karl was thinking all that time.

Forget I said that.

2006-09-26T20:54:00.000-04:00

<<--See Also: Regret and Relief

It was so dead at work today that I was rearranging the stuffed animals.

"Aren't you a little old to be playing with dolls?"

I looked up to see SSG Carney getting a pop out of the cooler. Such a statement demanded a response. Anyone who knows me, knows that I suck at comebacks. Looking at his fatigues, I used the first thing that popped up in my mind.

"Well, there aren't any G.I. Joes available."

I had to wince at that because it could have been taken in an entirely different way than I had intended. And yet, it was such a Freudian slip. Alas, there was no hole available to crawl into.

And That's It

2006-09-18T20:29:00.000-04:00

John wrote back the other day. It wasn’t as bad as I feared. It wasn’t what I’d hoped either. The good news is that he took my message rather well. His response was short and to the point. He flat out told me that he wasn’t but added that I wasn’t the first to ask.

I’m not as crushed as I thought I would be. Sure, I still feel pretty horrible and this empty feeling is still there. But I suppose the finality that came with his message gave me some comfort. I can look beyond my first hard crush. Heh, at least I’m not crying over him.

I Think I Made a BIG Mistake

2006-09-15T11:09:00.000-04:00

<<--You must read: John.

I’m feeling a little nauseous right now. I wrote John an email asking if he was gay and I immediately regretted it. OMG, why did I do that?! *kicking myself* I’ve always wondered about him because there were just so many things about him that were tipping me off and yet he maintained that, “I am straight position.” It was way too familiar. It looked like we were going to break off contact permanently. Lately our only connection was through facebook and he had quit that. So I took a chance and asked. I had to know if my gut feeling was right. But what was the cost?

I’m scared to even log back into my gmail account to see if he had written. If I am wrong, I am so screwed. I will feel like a bigger ass than I already do. If I am right, what good does that do me? It proved that my piss poor gaydar could actually be right once in a blue moon? As for him—I don’t know what it did to him. Is he angry, amused, scared?

My line of thinking was this: It’s not okay to out anyone but it’s perfectly acceptable to ask if someone is gay. Well the more I thought on that last one, I kept coming up with, “it’s none of your business.” Yet, it makes it a helluva lot easier if the person you like is of the same persuasion as you are, right? Sure, straight people don’t go up to people and ask if the person they are interested in is straight, but it’s kind of already anticipated. For me, I have no clue. --Oh, but it’s so direct and rude, and really not something that I should have to ask.

*Kicks myself again*

I’m going to have to suck it up and take whatever comes my way. I hope it won’t be fire and brimstone.

I watch too much TV

2006-09-05T21:39:00.000-04:00

I don't care too much about the show Eureka. In fact, I wouldn't even watch it if it weren't for Colin Ferguson. I have no idea what he is like in real life but if I was to encounter his character, I would not be holding back like Allison Blake does.

Here's the Thing

2006-08-29T10:09:00.000-04:00

Kraig and Stacey’s wedding on Saturday had me feeling kind of sick. Basically, I was afraid of being outed. And yet, it wasn’t that either. It was the potential of an explosion.

Of the people that went to the wedding, there were people who knew about me and plenty who didn’t.

Erin and Carrie know about me completely and have no problems carrying a conversation about me being gay. I am completely at ease with them and know that they respect me enough not to bring it up in front of others.

Stacey knows about me but I’ve never actually had a conversation with her about it. She has told Kraig who seems to be fine with it but has never brought it up with me. I think that they are waiting for me to bring it up.

Then there were the wild cards: Brenda and Kevin. They both are classmates of mine. Brenda may have found my blog. I noticed that my stat counter logged in someone from Minneapolis who had googled Kevin’s full name. Since Brian is unlikely to know Kev, I assume it has to be her. Kevin—well, you’re just going to have to read this post.

The last thing that I wanted to do was stir up trouble at their wedding. That was Stacey and Kraig’s day and I did not want to steal any attention. So if anyone was to confront me about it, I was planning to acknowledge it but also tell them to drop it.

When I arrived, one of the first people, other than Erin and Carrie, that I honed in on was Kevin. I didn’t want to seem like I was avoiding him so I made it a point to walk up to him.

“Hey Kevin. How’re ya doin’?” So I was a little nervous.

“Good.” His eyes rolled over to something else.

Okay. A little awkward. Nothing else is being said. He’s obviously elsewhere.

“It’s good to see you again.” Hey, I’ve got little when it comes to conversation starters.

“Good to see you.”

That was it. I wasn’t sure if he was avoiding me, if he honestly didn’t care to talk to me, or if he had something more important on his mind. To tell you the truth, I was kind of disappointed. Sure it was more than what I got from some other former classmates but damn.

When the ceremony was done, the chairs used at the ceremony had to be carried over to the tent where the reception was being held. I tried to make myself useful and helped out. Kevin was another who was collapsing chairs and bringing them over. One time we were near each other when he said, “They should have hired some Mexicans to do this.” Knowing Kevin, this wasn’t at surprising statement. But I was surprised that he said something to me. Was this his way of breaking the ice. I don’t think it was.

Towards the end of the reception, Kraig came by to my table and talked with me. Kevin followed shortly after. I won’t go into detail of the conversations. I think that it, plus my observations of their interactions, is best left unsaid. Don’t worry, it wasn’t anything bad, really, it just revealed a lot to me about the family dynamics. Anyways, as Kraig got pulled off into another conversation, I tried to engage Kevin again.

For a few seconds, it seemed to work but it was like he A.D.D. or maybe I just wasn’t giving him an interesting subject to latch onto. We talked about education in Florida for goodness sake. But I will tell you that he kind of pissed me off that he never introduced me to his boyfriend. Yet, he introduced him to Shane?! (Just know that Shane would be one of the last people I thought Kevin would make an outreach to.)

I don’t know. I’m not sure Kevin does know. Oh, but I think his mother does.

While I may not have wanted to have the gay conversation, I did want to have a conversation with him. I liked him in high school and I thought we got along great. In fact, many of my favorite memories from high school usually have him somewhere in the picture. That’s not to say that I had a crush on him or anything. I honestly don’t have those types of feelings for him. Still, I had hoped that perhaps there was some connection that we could have reestablished at the wedding. I would love to have been his friend.

In this area, there are two real life people that I know who are gay. Both, I want nothing to do with. Their questionable choices in terms of people they hang out with, substances they use, and let me be blunt—character just turn me off from them. Sure, I know there are great bloggers out there who have offered to lend me their ears, but I’d actually like to meet or, in the case of Kevin, have met someone in flesh and blood.

* * *

Also during the wedding, Erin pointed out a guy that she thought was gay. She asked me what I thought and that I should check him out. Unknown to her, I’ve met this guy twice before. While he may have a more effeminate way of talking, I’ve never entertained the thought that he was gay. Believe me, the way that this guy looks, I would have beaten off his girlfriend so that I could have him.

I told her that I didn’t think he was. As soon as I said it, I mentally kicked myself. I don’t want to get into conversations of judging whether people are gay or not. Plus, why would I know? My gaydar absolutely does not work.

The Need to Remember

2006-08-23T09:54:00.000-04:00

When I first started this blog, I needed a place to express thoughts that I couldn’t on my main blog. I needed a place to write about my own coming out experience. Ever since I told my sister, there hasn’t been very much to write about. Frankly, I don’t see that changing soon either. I’m sort of in a comfortable place right now. My closest friends know and slowly more people are being brought into the loop. Aside from one or two cases, it’s all been good.

By the time I had started Peering Out, I had already been visiting quite a few “gay” blogs. None of them, however, were by guys still in the closet. So I thought mine was a relative oddity. Now, a year later, I’ve come across three other in-the-closet bloggers whose sites I visit. Yet, most of the time, I don’t identify with them. But I should, shouldn’t I? We are pretty much in the same boat.

There is this one blogger who seems to be freaking out that he may have inadvertently blow his cover. A group of friends may have found out about him. So he may be quitting his blog. My first reaction was to be rather annoyed. He is worried of the possibility of someone knowing. If I were face to face with him, I probably would have dismissed his feelings rather coldly. So what? It’s not a big deal.

Even though we are in the closet, I forget how terrifying it is to face the prospect of your family or friends finding out. I’m afraid that I am turning into one of those unsympathetic queers who demand all others be out and proud. Funny, considering that I am not.

So I owe an apology to all my fellow closeteers. I’m sorry for all those times that I had not read you with much empathy. But please know that deep down, I do care and I want you all to be happy. We all deserve that.

Regret and Relief

2006-08-05T11:11:00.000-04:00

A few days ago SSG Carney came into the store. He’s a great guy and I see him every now and then. Since there aren’t any military facilities nearby that I know of, I assume that he’s a recruiter. Yet, I never see him going through the mall trying to track down some kids like the Marine recruiters do. That night he got me thinking.

I used to be in AFROTC. It was some of the best times that I had in college and most of the people that I knew there were upstanding individuals much like the sergeant. I would have loved to go into the Air Force but I quit halfway through my sophomore year. The real reason why is because I couldn’t make loose the weight. I was on my way though and probably would have made it if I redoubled my efforts as the detachment commander wanted me to defer my training for one more year.

There have been very few days where I haven’t regretted that decision. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had decided to keep going. Would I be doing something that I want to do? Yes. But now that I have finally come to admit my sexuality, could I have continued with it? Clearly, there are homosexuals in the military and I am glad that they are there doing the job so few others are willing to do. But if I was serving at the time that I came out, I don’t know what I’d do. I certainly would have felt even more trapped than I do right now.

Although I’ve had pleasant exchanges with the sergeant, I wonder how I would respond if he would ever ask me if I thought about joining the Army. I think that I would tell him the truth. I would love to but now, I don’t think I could because it’s an integrity issue. The core values of the US Air Force are, “Integrity first, service before self and excellence in all we do.” How can I serve with honor at the same time that I have to deny myself? Violating myself while in the military is so much worse than when I do so as a civilian.

Paranoia Fueled Bonfire

2006-07-31T20:34:00.000-04:00

Oddly enough on the night of the previous post, Kraig called me up and asked if I wanted to go to the bar. I like Kraig but we have never hung out except those few times when by coincidence we ended up in the same social setting because of our other associations. So I was a bit surprised that he would have called me up. I thought about it but knew that I wouldn’t be able to go. First, it was already late that evening and I had to open the store in the morning. Second, I didn’t even know the bar in South Bend that he wanted to meet up with. And lastly, I didn’t feel like spending the money. I told him that I couldn’t but then he invited me to a bonfire that he was having the next night (Saturday). That was reasonable and I told him to text me the specifics. He replied that he would call me the next day.

When I hung up the phone, I started to analyze what had happened. Why did he invite me to hang out? Why now? Was it because he knew I was gay? If so, why would he want to hang with me? Did I have to worry about a set-up? Or maybe it was because he wanted to be friendly. He had always been very cool whenever we did see each other which has been happening more often. After all, he and Stacey did invite me to their wedding. In the end, I decided to go. He has always been a stand-up guy as far as I was concerned.

Season and went ahead and went. We arrived in time to meet up with some friends of Stacey’s who were related to Kraig. Two of them I knew from church. (Have I stressed enough that we live in a small world?) But as we sat there, the gay subject came up. It was joking at first. Sodomy jokes. Hah hah and all that. The people there made some comments indicating that they were okay with gays. Meanwhile, I shoot a look over to Season who snickered. How did this come up? Did Stacey and Kraig tell them about me? Were they trying to steer the conversation as to get me to out myself? Why am I so freaking paranoid? I paid particular attention to Kraig and Stacey to see if they shot me knowing looks but I got nothing. So I chalked it up to just talk.

It was a quiet night at the bonfire and I spent more time listening to conversations than actually participating. I’m like that when I am in new social situations. I clam up and prefer to check people out until I am comfortable with them. When it was time for Season and I to go, Kraig walked us out, which earns him bonus points for being a good host. Although he was aware that we didn’t fully engage, we were certainly welcome back. That made feel good.

I heard it through the grape vine

2006-07-28T22:11:00.000-04:00

I heard it from Season who pretty much confirmed it for Kevin who was alerted by his mother, Sherri, that his brother, Kraig, said that someone in my class was coming out of the closet soon. (Umm, that would be me they are talking about.)

It all began a couple of weeks ago...

Season and I were set to go to the Venetian Festival. An incident occurred which scraped those plans. Instead, I tagged along with my good friend Erin, her boyfriend, Will, and another one of her friends, Stacey. To show how small our world is, Stacey is the fiancée of Kraig whose brother, Kevin, was in my grade and is openly gay. Anyways, Kraig for whatever reason didn't come with us. As we were walking at the festival, I thought that Stacey was making a joke about us being seen as a couple. I replied, "You're barking up the wrong tree."

A while ago, I decided that I wouldn't hide my sexuality when it came to Erin or any of her friends. Although, I knew that Stacey was going to marry Kraig, I honestly didn't care to hide it from her or consequently, Kraig. And it wasn't like it was a planned outing. I don’t go around saying, “Hey, I’m gay.” It just came up in conversation—a jest. I know that I run a risk doing it that way. I’m not sitting them down telling them my secret and swearing them to an oath of secrecy. They are free to tell whoever they want.

So this afternoon while Season and I were having dinner, she says, “Kevin knows.” How the hell did Kevin find out? Season and Kevin apparently had a phone conversation. From what I have gathered, Stacey must have told Kraig, who then told his mother, Sherri, who told Kevin. Kevin asked if Season knew who was the person in our class and well… he figured it out.

Does this pose a problem? I don’t know. I’m sure if he knows, the word is out and I haven’t gotten the word back just yet. I’ll find out soon I guess and I suppose waiting for that confirmation is scaring me a little.

The original plan was to go to Kraig and Stacey’s wedding and keeping a low profile so to speak. That is their day and I wasn’t going to steal some of their thunder by coming out to Kevin or anyone else. Again, I wasn’t going to hide it, but I don’t see how my sexual preference would come up in such a situation. Now, I’m wondering how I’m going to react when Kevin and I see each other at the wedding. Does he know that I know? Is he going to ask sly questions or will he blunt about it and just ask me?

Did I loose you, dear reader? I thought I might’ve.

Standby

2006-07-18T16:48:00.000-04:00

Umm, a fairly long post has disappeared. I'm off for a run and perhaps I'll try it again.

I don't know why.

2006-06-30T14:10:00.000-04:00

There was an article in the South Bend Tribune the other day that focused on a report that homosexuality may be linked to birth order. Apparently, the odds for being a homosexual male go up as your birth order number increases. I just thought, “bullshit.” I’m the first and I have no younger brothers. The article did get me thinking about a subject that comes up in my head quite often. Where does homosexuality come from? Is it nurture or nature? To tell you the truth, I don’t quite know for certain. With my own experience, I can certainly entertain the notion that it might be nurture. So I am going to share something with you all that I have never told anyone else.

I have been sexually abused. I wasn’t raped or anything like that so I am hesitant to say that I was abused. I was only a few years old when the first thing I remember happened. I’m even surprised that I remember it. I was living in Germany at the time and a friend of a family member took me into the bathroom. I didn’t have to go at the time but she pulled down my pants and then she pulled down hers and told me to stick my dick in her. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I remained soft and was only able to hold it up to her spot. It wouldn’t go in. She must’ve realized that this wasn’t such a good idea so we dressed back up and she told me never to tell anyone. So I didn’t. For a while, I just thought it was a weird thing she wanted me to do.

My dad got stationed in Florida after Germany and we ended living at the naval housing at Key West. My mother used to hang out with a bunch of other Filipinos that were there. I was allowed to roam a bit at the park that was there and sometimes I was in the care of this one guy. I remember him kissing me. These were long, lingering, wet kisses on the mouth. I liked it. After a few “sessions” he stopped. I asked him why and he said, that he shouldn’t do it anymore.

While I was still there in Key West, an older neighbor boy came over to my house. It was odd as he never played with any of my friends or I. Seeing as all my other friends were not around and I was doing nothing but writing on the pavement with sidewalk chalk, I eagerly accepted his offer to hang around. We ended up going into my house where we played fort using the couch and a sheet. In the darkness, he asked me how I wanted to be kissed. We frenched so that we were quiet. We did it for a while and even moved to the bedroom. I can remember how good it felt. It was like exploring and I remember how intrigued I was about how sometimes, if we didn’t coordinate just right, our teeth would bump together. Then he stopped, pull downed his pants and said that we should suck each other. I stared. I wanted to do it but thought that it could be gross because that’s where your pee came out. I said that I didn’t want to. It killed the mood. I wanted to go back to kissing but he didn’t. I even offered to go ahead and suck him if we could start kissing again. It didn’t happen.

There was Jon, but he belongs in another post.

With all that had happened in those years, I wonder if my sexuality is the result of them. For a while now, I have come to the realization that it doesn’t really matter how I ended up the way I am. I am gay and as far as I can remember, I always have been. I go back to the day when I was asked how I wanted to be kissed. I remember what went though my head and I know that I what I felt for other boys was gay. Maybe it was nature all along.

I don’t think the question should be about where homosexuality comes from. I’m more concerned about why it should or shouldn’t be accepted.

Thank you.

2006-06-17T23:06:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went to the library in town to do a few things: email some high res photos, study a little for the LSATs and donate the book, The Full Spectrum, which was mentioned in the previous post. I was emotionally moved by some of the stories and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to let go of it. Since finishing it up a few weeks ago, it has remained in limbo (my backpack.) Would it join the rest of my books in my bookcase, or would it join the thousands more in the public library?

I only became aware of this book through Brian’s site. In his post, he challenged his readers to make the book donation. I never felt I should donate because of his challenge but I think that his intentions mirrored mine which eventually popped up. Books that deal with queer issues are not easy to come by in the surrounding communities. If the book finds its way into one other person’s hand, then I feel it was worth the awkwardness (continued below.) I keep imagining that closeted youth, finding the book, going to a quiet corner, and reading it. It’s a bit romantic, but I hope that I did a little something to advance our cause even though I still feel a little on the outside.

The longest three seconds of my life:

As I was leaving the library to go home, I went up to the circulation desk. Now, I’ve seen this same lady work the desk for quite a few years. We may not know each other, but we definitely recognize each other.

“May I make a book donation?” Oh yes, I practiced this line so often in my head that I made sure to get the grammar correct.

“Sure!” The lady replied almost too enthusiastically.

Gulping, I opened my bag, pulled out the book, and laid it out in front of her. I made sure to watch her face and see the reaction. With her big smile and lit up eyes, she picked up the book and began to read the title.

“Okay,” big pause, “thanks…”

She never looked back up at me and I turned to go.

“Thanks,” I said.

As I opened the door, out of the corner of my eye, I saw her take the book and lay it on a chair behind the desk. I wondered if that book would ever go into circulation.

Sitting By the River

2006-05-28T19:30:00.000-04:00

It’s 7:30 pm as I am writing for this post. I’m sitting at an old familiar spot by the river. When I was young, I used to come here fairly often. There were times when I just had to be alone. I liked the quiet surroundings where I could just sit back and enjoy my own thoughts. I would walk out to this large boulder that jutted out into the water. It was my place. It’s gone now. The city took it and the other rubble out when they revamped the park quite a few years back.

The last time I was here, I believe it was in sixth grade. My friend Erin was going out with this boy named Sean. I came out to the rock to think. I was jealous. I wanted to go out with her. I wanted to be her boyfriend. While I had nothing against Sean before, I wanted to kill him. Hey-I was young. Now, I’m sitting here again, thinking about her. She’s got another boyfriend—Will.

I came back to the park partly because there was nothing else to do and no one to do nothing with. Erin is, of course, with Will. Season is off in NYC and is will arrive back here later tonight. I don’t really hang out with anyone else. I have been thinking about expanding my social base by joining one of the LGBT organizations here. But I don’t know how to approach it. Ideally, I’d like to take someone with me. The people I’d consider probably won’t. If I do, I’d be going it alone. Yikes.

On my way back to the Michiana area, I stopped by Borders to pick up a copy of The Full Spectrum. It also prompted me to come out to the river. I thought it would be good to review my life and see how it brought me here and yet, not have to worry how life will play out. So far, I have been reading only a little at a time. I’d like to go slow and appreciate what I’m reading. Restraining myself from turning the next page is hard!

It’s getting to be that time—the bugs are coming out. Summer is here.

And work improves

2006-05-17T19:21:00.000-04:00

I’m excited. My boss hired three new people in the last few days. One of them, a guy, came in a few weeks ago to fill out an application. And I remember this because he walked in with his boyfriend. While he was filling out the sheet, I breathed a sigh of relief since it appeared, at the time, that we weren’t considering any new applicants. But he made it. When I found out, I was both excited apprehensive. But at Erin said, it may be an opportunity to make new friends. Last night was my first opportunity to work with him. Yes, I was nervous as hell before he showed up for his shift. But then I got to thinking. Why should I be nervous? It shouldn’t be any different than working with any other person.

So how did we break the ice? By talking about the musical, Wicked. That was great as I haven’t been able to talk to anyone other than Season about it. But after covering the subject pretty well, I found myself groping for another subject without success. I don’t know if it was because we don’t have many common interests or maybe he was a little intimidated. Even though we didn’t end up talking away the night, he does seem to be a very good worker and quite nice.

I won’t work with him for the next few weeks. His schedule is in opposition to mine plus I will be out of town for at least a week working at one of our branch stores down south. I hope that he decides to stick around.

I've got to quit watching that show

2006-05-08T13:10:00.000-04:00

“Well maybe he’ll change now.”

“You can’t change your sexuality, Mom.”

I really hate that I am bringing up Desperate Housewives to make another post but. My mom and I watch that show every Sunday night and what you just read was a short commentary on the scene where Bree abandons Andrew at a gas station.

Bree had said that every child deserves to be unconditionally loved. I never doubted that she loved Andrew. Her fear of her son’s sexuality was based on her religious belief that he would not get into heaven. I am unfortunately familiar with that point of view and while I know that I may be loved by my parents, I often think that it is conditional. Can they bear to have a son that is incongruent with their view of the world? Would they be willing to make a substantial shift to accommodate me? While I hope that the answer to those questions is “yes,” I can’t help but feel that the real answer is a resounding “no.” In fact my biggest fear is the cut off. Where would I be without my family? Where is Andrew without his mother?

While my response was based on my mother saying that Andrew might change his sexuality, maybe what my mother was really saying is that Andrew might now change into a respectable son.

I'm closing up shop.

2006-04-28T19:42:00.000-04:00

This blog has started to become something that it was not intended—again. So I’m calling it quits for now. The reason is because I feel like things are not moving forward. And so I am stuck in limbo. I’m not out—and yet the cat’s out of the bag. Considering a nasty “conversation” that I recently had… I don’t think that it will be changing anytime soon.

As I was going through my blog roll, I was in awe at the community that has been built out there. The exchanges that I saw going between the same bloggers over a variety of different sites, pulled at my heart. Lately, I’ve felt that I can’t participate in that. By being closeted, I feel that I don’t really belong. I’m like the ten year old who wants to hang out with his eighteen year old brother and his friends.

I want to thank those who have posted comments to this blog and even the few lurkers that may be out there. Peering Out isn’t totally dead, but posts will be few and far between. Best wishes to all of you.

Blogger sucks at picture posting

2006-04-27T17:35:00.000-04:00

The beach that Season and I visited is located near the Cook Nuclear Plant. Before Sept. 11, the plant was open to the public and even had some magnificent dune trails. In order to visit the facility now, you have to tag along with a school tour. The plant is important to our local economy. After the attacks, the some locals reacted very strongly to rumors that Cook was going to be closed down. Luckily, it was no more than a rumor.

While walking through the sand, I noticed an odd sound. I wish that I could post a video of it, but I don't know how to do it. And even if I did, my 56k connection would test my patience. If you can imagine a combination of denim rubbing together and seal calls, that's what it sounds like. Season said that it was singing sand and that this area is one of the few places in the world that has it. "The More You Know." I'm not sure about that, but I've never noticed it when I when I swam at Lions Beach which was located a few miles north.

This was Al Capone's* house. Sorry for the bad quality but it was taken in twilight and through a windshield. I knew that Capone had been a visitor to our area of Michigan, but I didn't know he actually owned property. Season told me that there are underground tunnels linking this house to the guest house where his bodyguards stayed.

*At the time of this posting the Wikipedia article for Al Capone has been messed with. The information there was not reliable and still may not be.

I'm going to go hit something now

2006-04-24T11:16:00.000-04:00

Oh my God. I had an butt load of pictures ready to be published and Blogger fouled it all up. I don't have the time to put them up again... so you'll have to wait. Sorry.

Lake Visit #1

2006-04-24T10:42:00.000-04:00

Here are some pictures that I took when Season and I went to Weko beach in Bridgman. Because Blogger is acting all shitty right now, I'm going to put up the few remaining pictures at a latter time. So for now you'll have to enjoy these. And be grateful! It's not often I show my ugly mug on this site. :P

In order to preserve the dunes, these walkways had to be built. It's a good idea but it doesn't allow you the full experience of hiking the dunes. This was just a little bitty thing too.

Looking at the southern end of the lake where you can see Indiana.

No swimming yet. It's still draw-up-your-nuts cold!

More pics to follow I promise! Expect to see and read about a nuclear plant and singing sand. Oooooh, I know you're all excited.

Tennis time!

2006-04-23T20:45:00.001-04:00

I haven't played tennis very many times. Probably about five times in my life. I remember the first time when I played with Greg. He's one of those guys that has to beat you at a game. He's a show-no-mercy type of guy. After being horribly whooped, I never played with him again. The next few times were with Dusty's then girlfriend, Jessica. She was pretty good and was thankfully patient with me.

This time around, I played with Season. I enjoyed it. We played for about an hour, completing two sets. Playing an actual game was somewhat boring as we couldn't manage to lob it back and forth in a competitive manner. So after the two sets, we just hit it to each other in a friendly way. That was a lot more fun and I actually got more of a work out. Speaking of which, my forearm is sore! :)
Clicking on the pictures will make them somewhat bigger.

Moving on?

2006-04-21T19:59:00.000-04:00

In the previous post, I said that I wouldn’t go into detail about the latest drama fest that is taking place. I intend to keep to that. However, there is an incident I do want to share. Unlike the situation that caused Season’s “eviction,” this happened with me involved.

A spat occurred which involved Season’s landlords. One of them, Rachel, kicked Season out. Yesterday, I helped her move her property out of the place she was living at. We started around six when Season picked me up in a truck that I assume she borrowed from her father. Rachel wasn’t home at the time, which was great because we didn’t have to deal with any tension. So was started on the boxed stuff which we loaded on the truck through the bedroom window. As we were finishing up the last boxes, Rachel and two of her kids arrived. Rachel’s daughter, Abby said that if Season took a certain cat, that she was going to kill her. Imagine that! Some little girl threatening to kill you. If I had said that, my parents would have whooped my butt so hard. We shrugged it off though and left with our first load.

Before going back to Rachel’s we picked up Season’s SUV with the thought that the truck and SUV together would allow us to make less trips. When we got back, we noticed that Carl, Rachel’s nosy father-in-law was sitting there watching us like some sort guard. But we continue like we did before—loading through the window (because it’s easier.) While I was outside loading and Season was inside, Rachel suddenly comes out and says, “That window can be closed. That’s bullshit.” Utterly bizarre. But we figured it was so she and Carl could watch us. Perhaps they thought we were going to steal something. To be blunt, they don’t have much worthier stealing. It’s not as if Season was the type of person to do it anyways. I had no reason to. Anyways, we managed to get everything but a headboard and dresser.

When we came back for the last trip, up comes Carl again to watch us. He evidently had left—only to arrive again when we came back. When we got in to get the last of the stuff, he blocked us. He told us that we couldn’t get the remainder until Season had settled with Rachel. He wanted the keys (Season had already taken them off the key ring for Rachel), payment of some cell bill, and the money from one of Rachel’s daughter’s accounts. Now this is where I get pissed.

First of all, Carl is not the landlord. He has no business with us. If Rachel had a back bone, she should be the one talking. Second, even if he was the landlord, he can not withhold Season’s property from her. And lastly, his demands were unacceptable.

The issue with the keys was already moot. I personally saw Season’s intentions to surrender them.

The cell phone debt was laughable. When he asked for that, he couldn’t come up with the debt amount. Even when Rachel was asked, she shrugged and said that she didn’t know because it was so long ago. No numbers. No bills. No receipts. No memory.
The issue with the bank account was interesting. The account is in the child and Season’s name. Rachel wants the money in it but Season wanted to make sure that the kid will keep that money. I believe that if Rachel was given the money, she would spend it. Season said that she would not cheat that kid of her money.

With the keys handed over, the cell debt unable to be resolved, and Season’s word that she would not steal the kid’s money, we were allowed to collect the remaining items. But it was under some veiled threat that “shit is going to hit the fan” if the money issues weren’t resolved.

The actions of Rachel and Carl were completely out of order. As a bystander to the issues surrounding the move, I was watched like a criminal. But the injury to Season was far worse. I felt like those two were getting some sick satisfaction through humiliation and then by unjust confrontation.

By my own expectations of hospitality, what was done to us was practically unforgivable and it burns me up even though I have almost nothing to do with it other than to help a good friend get out of a bad living arrangement. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like that and I am confident that she will move on with the positive steps that continually impress and inspire me.

I have a bad feeling...

2006-04-17T18:19:00.000-04:00

I saw Sara today out on the road and honked at her. I ran into Adam’s mom. I found out that Season is moving. I have this bad feeling that this messy situation is getting worse.

Thread Ended

2006-04-17T18:18:00.000-04:00

Has the Andrew thread in Desperate Housewives come to an end? Was it me, or did it abruptly end?

When the arc with Andrew started, I thought that the writers were being weak. I mean, what the hell was up with the whole vanilla/chocolate thing? It was a great step to make Andrew gay but it seemed like a back pedal when he confessed to the priest. Thankfully, they seemed to put him back in a less ambiguous position.

Now, I have to wonder where his story will go. The way the episode ended, it looked like something clicked in Andrew’s head when he found out that he no longer could press for emancipation while Bree opened up to be more accepting of his relationship with his boyfriend.

While Bree’s willingness to accept Andrew’s homosexuality is a great evolution of character, it still doesn’t change my opinion that Andrew is still a little bastard. Maybe having his mother finally compromise on something for him is what turned him over, but his past behavior suggests that he’s not a good guy. I’d tell his boyfriend to run.

Let's bring work into this...

2006-04-14T17:34:00.000-04:00

The new job so far has been going great. I'm not sick of it yet and the shifts go by somewhat quickly. I thought that I might give you a few thoughts about it.

My first chat up was by a guy. (Am I starting to put off signals here?) He didn't do anything for me but I thought it was pretty cool.

My coworker, Mike, is such a guy. I swear, some of my greatest moments of the day is when he is flirting with the girls that come through. I don't know how he does it, but they do respond to him. I enjoy working with him even though he does kind of annoy me as he constantly tries to express intellectual superiority. Great, you know calculus. You are going to college for free. Good for you.

Some guy asked me if I was married. "Nope. Not legal yet." Hey, don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer.

People will and do buy bags of M&Ms for $27 a pound. We're talking about specialized M&Ms that have a personalized stamp. Screw that. Plain M&Ms are just fine with me.

Would white people please, please, stop wearing black socks with shorts and/or sandals?

I still advocate that people should be sterilized. Then, after passing some sort of aptitude test, they can get the procedure reversed and be allowed to have children.

The guy who works at the jewelery store across the way looks so hot in his suit. If he were visible from my shop, I don't think I could ever get any work done.

Too Much TV!

2006-04-13T12:08:00.000-04:00

NBC has the new show called Teachers. I don’t have time to watch it all the time, but I thought it was worth taking a looksie. Fellow Michigander, Justin Bartha stars in it as does Sarah Alexander whom* I enjoyed on Coupling. So far, the show hasn’t been stellar but it’s better than some of the other shows that somehow survived the ax.

Anyone know if Four Kings has been cancelled? I’ve heard that it has been cancelled and I’ve also heard that it has been put on hiatus? Which is it? Todd Grinnell better find some work soon.
The new Doctor Who series hasn’t been going as well as I had hoped. I’m only four episodes into it so I am still willing to give it a few more shots. This Friday, they are bringing back the daleks. Or rather, a dalek. I’ve got my fingers crossed.

Phew, on TAR! I was getting a little worried that the hippies weren’t going to make it. And is it just me, or does it seem like we are over due for a non-elimination round? Of the teams that are left, I really only like the hippies. The frat boys are alright, but I don’t want slackers who are worse than I winning a million dollars.

*Can anyone tell me if I used the correct word? I'm working on the correct usage of who and whom. Damn, I hate the English language sometimes.

Shove that through the door.

2006-04-10T09:38:00.000-04:00

With five people, one truck, and two SUV’s, we breezed through with moving Erin’s stuff into her new house. It seemed like we only did thirty minutes worth of work. All that for pizza? It was worth it!

The room colors look great. Erin’s friend, Kevin did have a point—they are sort of like Easter colors. But on the whole, I really like them. I keep kicking myself that I don’t take pictures when I’m over there. Perhaps I’ll remember next time.

Gift Bags Are the Devil

2006-04-10T09:34:00.000-04:00

I am awesome when it comes to gift wrapping. A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Give me some paper, tape, and a little ribbon and I will go to town on some gift. I probably put more thought into presentation than the actual gift itself sometimes. Erin usually puts gifts in gift bags and so I thought that I would try that route this year with her gift. It was a disaster!

The Michael Bublé album that I bought her uses white and silver as the primary colors in its packaging. I thought it would be simple. Find a white gift bag and some silver tissue paper and I’d be set. Nope. For the life of me, I could not find a simple white bag. The closest that I could find had marital or baby stuff on it. I made a special trip down to the Hallmark store where I was able to get a silver bag with white tissue paper. Now that I had the materials, I couldn’t make it look presentable. The paper would not cooperate. It would bunch up, tear, collapse, everything but look nice. With my last two sheets, I stuffed them in there along with the CD and called it a day.

Never again will I deal with that again. It sounded simple: Place tissue paper in bag; place gift in bag. Believe me, it’s more hassle than it is worth.

Oh, Just Piss On Her

2006-04-09T09:31:00.000-04:00

What is it with guys and their need to establish some sort of territory? After spending some time with Erin, I am finding that I am not making some of the people she has dated comfortable. For instance, I learned that an ex of hers didn’t like me. We’ve never even met! Why? Because Erin and I lived together. It’s been almost three years since we lived together and our relationship was totally non-sexual. In fact, sometimes it got aggravating. (Not that she’s a bad person to live with, but you inevitably find some incompatibility when living with a friend.) Apparently, I must be some kind of threat. I find it insanely amusing to think that I’m too close to “his woman.”

Now one guy had me pegged from the start—her friend Kevin. He does not see me as a threat at all. In fact, he has called me “passive.” Hmm, I’m not sure whether to be insulted by that or not. It’s largely the truth so I can’t be angry at him for that. Even though I have only met him once (seen him thrice), when I see the interaction I’ve seen between him and Erin, I think that they would be great for each other. Which would also be great for me because then I won’t be seen as a “threat.” But the situation is too complicated—even for me… so I won’t go there.

Last night though, I was hoping to go out with Season. Kevin (a different Kevin), who we were friends with in high school came up from Florida and we were hoping to get together. Really, I would like to talk to him. I haven’t seen or heard from him since graduation. And the fact that he lives an open life down in Florida is something I’d like to drill him on. But it didn’t work out.

Erin had plans that night but we worked around that so that we would go out for drinks. She had a date with a guy named Alex who was supposed to have arrived from California that night. He hadn’t shown up yet so we went to the bar by ourselves. I was having a great time until Alex showed up. Now, don’t get the wrong impression. Alex was a pretty nice guy. Very sociable. But I felt like the third wheel! Yech. So for the next couple hours we sat and chatted. Yadda, yadda, but at the end of the night he kissed Erin goodbye. It was like a peck. So I avert my eyes. Well—I’m not a perv. I look back up and I see them making out!

Now hold on just one second! It was a first date. Actually, I wouldn’t even call it a “date.” It was going to a bar, having a few drinks, and meet the “best friend.” Did I mention that there is another guy present? ME! Does anyone find that completely forward to do that? Considering how much we were making fun of the drunken guy who was all over these two girls at the bar, I think he was trying to send a message to me. “This night was about me. You were just along for the ride.”

I don’t have this problem with guy friends, quite understandably. But it’s one of my biggest fears when it comes to my gal friends. When they get into relationships, who are they going to drop when it comes down to it? Me, quite frankly. And deep down, I understand why a boyfriend or a husband will always come before me. It should be that way. But what I don’t get, is the situation of why they have to make that decision in the first place.

Saturday anxiousness

2006-04-08T08:44:00.000-04:00

I was woke up last night by a call from Season. Kevin is in town and she was wondering if I wanted to go do something with them tonight. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I should. I haven't seen him since we graduated high school and if he wants to spend time with Season, who am I to inject myself into the situation? Plus, I am not going to hide who I am. I mean, what's the point? He's gay. I'm gay. Now, that we got that settled we can move on, right?

I don't think Season has told him. So it should be an interesting meeting, if it even happens. Plus, this could be a significant source of info and perhaps wisdom. So, I'll be hoping for a the best.

Besides, a little less drama would be nice right about now.

Home

2006-04-04T21:03:00.000-04:00

For a few months, I’ve been waiting for a particular song to come on the radio. This song was slow, moving, and left a memorable feeling. The problem is that it never left a memory! A few weeks back I tried going through the various charts to see if I could find it. No luck until yesterday.

My boss was trying to explain some procedures to me when the song came on over the store radio. I held out my hand as if to say, “hold on a minute,” and started to write down the lyrics as fast I could. She probably thought I was trying to take notes on store procedure. Nope, I was going to google that song when I got home.

It turns out that the song that I’ve been searching for is called “Home” by Michael Bublé. Of course, I downloaded it. Nice. I may have to go pick up the album. (Listen to me. As if I have money to burn!)

Inspiring Work Environment

2006-04-04T20:59:00.000-04:00

I’ve been working for the last couple days at a store in the local mall as an assistant manager in training. So far, I’ve been trained like a regular sales associate and it’s been going alright. I’m trying to remember so many codes (we don’t use UPCs) that my head feels like clay. But the work environment is so much better. Alright, I’m going to sound like an ass but it’s true… at my previous job, most of the customers were white trash and they can be vile. Now, I’m near Notre Dame as well as other colleges and in a good upper middle class community so the customer base is a lot better. Plus they’re bursting with cash.

The store that I work in is across the way from a jewelry store which has good looking, drool-worthy associates. Men in uniform or in business suits always catch my attention. And they have a propensity for stopping by! Two of them are very nice and take time to chat with you which I am finding seems to be normal amongst the other workers. It’s very laid back. But, I’ve been on the job for a couple of days so it could all be in my head.

1 of TAR 9’s secrets:

2006-03-31T10:20:00.000-05:00

Uh huh. I knew that the hippies were better allies than the Double D’s!

I'm in the directory.

2006-03-28T10:39:00.000-05:00

I admit it, I'm a stats whore. Every other day, I take a look at my stats to see who comes to my blog. If you are worried about your privacy, I don't actively look for you. I only notice IP numbers and so far there are only two of you who haven't made a comment on my blog (shame on you!) so I know you exist but I don't know who you are. Again, don't worry as I am not going to track you down.

Anyways, I was looking at my stats for my main blog. I try to keep my gay life separated from that blog because family members drop by there from time to time. I will admit there are a couple links to gay blogs and there is some hidden language involved. And aside from Luke and a mysterious visitor from the UK, no one has found it who wasn't already given the URL. So I am a bit baffled as to how that blog ended up in a gay blog directory.

My guess is that the site guy mined for links and picked my site up. Still, wouldn't the lack of gay info have given him the clue that maybe I'm not gay? Who knows, I could be a straight ally. He's right of course, but still... it kind of irks me.

There is place where he says that he will remove the listings if the site owners requested it. I thought about it, but decided to leave it be. If I get some more traffic... Great!

By the way, this blog isn't in the directory.

Gay Teaparty?

2006-03-27T09:50:00.000-05:00

I spent half the day over at Erin's new house yesterday. A few of her other friends and I were helping out with her remodel. When I was all set to leave she told me to a wait a moment because she had some birthday presents that she got for me. It's kind of embarassing to have strangers (her other friends) watch as I got them. She got me some wine goblets and wine stoppers. Alright, so maybe it wasn't something that I was... expecting... but they were from a friend so I love 'em anyways! She told me that I could have a "gay teaparty" or something. (With wine glasses--go figure.) Her friend, Kevin (not the same person in the previous post) looked at me as if he just figured the deeper meaning of that statement. I had to laugh at that. I didn't care.

Her birthday is coming up soon and I'm now brainstorming to get her something. I was thinking about getting her something for the house. Something practical. But I hear women don't really care for practical gifts. I mean, think of the poor guy that got his wife an ironing board for her birthday. He got an iron to the face. Hmm... decisions, decisions.

"How about this color?"

2006-03-27T09:45:00.000-05:00

Now I may not know shit about home DIY, but I sure can decorate.

*getting in tune with my gay side*

What was that about?

2006-03-25T11:01:00.000-05:00

My dreams are nothing remarkable. Actually, I hardly remember them. So I don’t give much thought about what goes on in my subconscious. (I think I would prefer not to know.) A couple nights ago, I had one that I remember and I have been wondering what it means—if anything.

The setting is wedding of Craig and his girlfriend Stacey. Unless you are a keen observer of my life, you may not know that Craig and I used to go to high school. His brother, Kevin, and I were in the same class. Stacey went to a neighboring town and with my friend Erin. Erin and I are at the wedding as well as Kevin and his boyfriend.

Other than Erin (and a few other people I didn’t mention), I’m not out to anyone there. If this were happening in real life, the only reason I would be there would probably be as Erin’s date. Craig and I aren’t close enough where I would actually be invited to a wedding. But Erin might be close enough to Stacey to be invited.

Sufficiently confused yet? Sorry.

My dream sequence skips the ceremony and I start at the reception. Everything is going great. In fact, it feels a lot like Carrie and Justin’s wedding a few months ago. I’m having fun and I am catching up with Chris and Nathan (some old classmates). We are standing in a group talking when I look past them and I see Kevin with his boyfriend. I feel kind of bad because he has pretty much been ostracized from the rest of the gang. I don’t know if his being gay had anything to do with it, but I suspect that it played a part of it. Truthfully, I don’t know about the real-life reasons as to why this is so but I’ll leave it at that. His being Craig’s brother is pretty much the only reason he is at the wedding, at least in my unconscious mind.

I’m torn as to whether I want to approach him or not. For a while, I’ve wanted to talk to him and see how he is doing down in Florida. But there is the nagging fear that maybe he will find me out. Having Craig and the others find out about me is not a good thing and so I decide to hold back.

Towards the end of the night, I walk up to his table. He’s sitting there watching the people on the dance floor. His boyfriend is gone for the moment.

“Hey Kevin,” I say.

He barely lifts up his head and I can see from his facial expression that he is surprised that I am talking to him.

“Hey,” he says and motions me to sit down.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am horrible with conversations but I try to make one with him and it comes off awkward as hell. I’m trying to find something interesting, trying to get glimpses into his life while tiptoeing around things that might out me. Eventually, we start getting more comfortable and soon I don’t care what may or may not give me away. Just as I was about to say something that would tip him off, I am stopped by the sudden reappearance of his boyfriend. After a brief introduction, he takes Kevin to the dance floor but he looks back at me over his shoulder and gives me the look of he’s mine.

I’m kind of insulted. I have no interest in Kevin and was only reaching out to him because he is the only gay guy that I know. (Okay, that’s not totally true but Moose is up at State doing his own thing, and I am not associated anymore with the guys back at my previous job.) I watch the two of them dance and while I feel a pang of jealousy, it’s more about having a relationship than having it with one of them.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look up and I see Erin. She sits herself down and together we watch the crowd. Then the dream fuzzes out.

Over the past couple days, I have been asking myself quite a bit of questions.

Would I be able to risk letting Craig know?
Can I honestly expect hold back the truth? So many people know already.
Why should I care about hiding myself from Chris and Nathan?
Is this dream about coming out and indicator of how I feel about it?
Why should I feel this compulsion to talk to Kevin, a guy who I have not heard from in six years?
Is there something more? After all, his boyfriend gave me that look.
How does Erin fit into this? Is she my support?
…And who the hell decided to have a wedding reception in a high school gym?

Pop? Yuck. (the official line)

2006-03-21T18:38:00.000-05:00

I suppose it's a little late to make a decision on Lent*, but I think I will give up pop. Well maybe not totally, but I'm talking about a serious roll back here. In a matter of four days, I've managed to suck down a 24-pack. Back in 1999, I cut out pop for Lent and succeeded. At the end of it, it tasted pretty gross. Sad to say, but I got hooked on it again and it occurred to me that maybe I should drop it for good. While I'm out and about tomorrow, I'll have to stock up on tea. It's gonna be a rough couple weeks.

*Umm, I'm not Catholic but I use Lent as an excuse to do something healthy.

Last night on the big screen...

2006-03-19T10:57:00.000-05:00

Erin took me out last night for a birthday treat! With both of us on a budget, we went for the Ready in Niles. For $3.50, it does provide bang for the buck in my opinion. Anyways, we went there to see “Failure to Launch.” Hmm, was she trying to say something?

The basic story involves a thirty-something guy that still lives at home with his parents. And who could blame him? No rent, excellent food, and free cleaning services. His parents, however, feel that it is time for him to go. They find a professional interventionist who plans to “bond” with the guy and provide the impetus for him to get out. Predictably, she falls for the client.

It wasn’t the most enjoyable film that I’ve seen. The “romance” and “comedy” aspects of this romantic comedy were very separate. The movie has a realistic feel to it but the comedic aspects, usually involving animals, seemed to run against it. As a result, the movie seems disjointed somehow.

Bradley Cooper and Zooey Deschanel also star which is enough for me to be interested in the film. However, if I had known that I would be getting multiple viewings of Terry Bradshaw’s butt, I think I would have passed.

I recommend waiting until it comes out on TBS.

Half-dozen

2006-03-17T11:40:00.000-05:00

I’ve been tagged by Herb! So now you are going to get to know six weird things about me. Let see here… what are the weird things about me?

1. I once shaved my eyebrows so that I could look like a Vulcan. Considering what happened to Christian Slater, I suppose I was fortunate because they grew back. Sometimes, I want to shave them off like Whoopi Goldberg but now that I know what happened to Christian Slater, I’m too chicken to do it.

2. I’m one of those people who checks to see if there is anyone hiding in the tub/shower before I use the bathroom. Always. Without fail.

3. Sausages make me gag. (Please keep your snickers to a minimum.—But yeah, I wonder about that too…)

4. I have issues with driving. I hate 4-way stops. I love roundabouts. I will avoid making left hand turns onto certain streets; I’m known to make my own Michigan lefts on a fairly regular basis. I am insanely afraid to drive in downtown Chicago but I secretly love driving in other cities. (I just say that I hate them too, but only so that my fear of driving in a city seems consistent.)

5. I didn’t know that being tongue-tied was physical condition until I found out that I am. My entire tongue, all the way to the tip, is attached. I can’t touch the roof of my mouth with my tongue or stick it out more than a couple centimeters. I’m afraid I may be a disappointment to a certain someone in the future, but not enough to get that damn ligament snipped just yet.

6. I’ve never told anyone this next one. I don’t really consider it too weird, but I thought I’d throw it in since someone called me it a few hours ago. “Dave.” Calling me “Dave” used to drive me up the wall and back down the other side. I’d grit my teeth and generally get steamed. I don’t know why. I hated “Dave.” Then one day in tenth grade, one of my friends said it and it never bothered me again. “Davy” will get me pretty fired up still, but I’m working on that. Now, I react positively to “Dave.” Other than the fact that on that one day, a friend called me that, I have no explanation as to why my position on it changed.

Now, I’ve got to tag people. Oh I dread this because I don’t know if I have six people to tag. If you are a somewhat regular reader here—you’re it! So let’s see, that’s Kate, Luke, Brian, [Unknown visitor from the UK], and [Unknown visitor from New York City—Is that you PJS?]. Season would be the sixth but she doesn’t have a blog. I’m not sure if there are any other regulars, so whoever wants to be the sixth one consider yourself tagged.

Huffin' and Puffin'

2006-03-15T21:32:00.000-05:00

Today and yesterday, I got to participate in one of a series of mock disaster scenarios. My supervisor runs two classes that trains volunteers to assist in disaster or emergency situations. Graduations for the classes involved three stations where the students would have to use the knowledge and skills and apply them. I got to be in the smoke house which is pictured. It was a lot of fun.

I was located in the bedroom which is on the left there. The door on the right was the only one that could be opened so they would have to get me out by going through the trailer. How they would accomplish this was pretty interesting.

On day 1, the first team couldn't get me out. Mike, the firefighter that I was working with said, "If you can't get him out, leave him." Gee, thanks Mike. Team two, was able to get me out after bumping my head on the steps. Team three got me out the fastest by using a blanket to carry me out.

On day 2, the first team did alright and was able to get me out. Team 2 took the longest. Although my foot was blocking the door to the room for all the teams, it took them two attempts before they reached in and moved my foot. The last team was brutal! They dragged me by my two feet. Ahhh, the rug burn! Even still, they couldn't get me out as a gas leak forced them to leave me behind.

If I could work it out, I might look into taking the class when it is offered again in the summer. Anything to help that resume. heh heh

Numb my mind,

2006-03-13T10:01:00.000-05:00

Last night, I spent my time relaxing in front of the boob tube watching Bend It Like Beckham. After a stressful week, the movie was a good way to end it. I haven't seen this movie in quite a while even though it has to be one of my favorite movies. Further evidence, as my sister would say, that I'm just as much an anglophile as her. Well, not really, but it does raise suspicions. lol.

I can definitely relate to some of the characters in the story. Jesminder's break from the cultural expectations of her family. Jules's suffering under her mother. Joe not living up to his father's dreams. Tony, as he is taking his first steps out of the closet and what that will mean to his family. ("But you're Indian.")

* * *

I was going to blog about the BSG finale... but I don't know how I feel about that. I think I'm going to need some time to digest what I saw. --We have to wait until October to see the next season?! Argh!

Gay Games in Chicago

2006-03-09T16:16:00.000-05:00

For the past couple of days, I have been seeing news and talk reports concerning the Gay Games that will be held in Chicago. It centers mainly on Crystal Lake where game organizers want to hold the rowing competition. Many of the locals are up in arms about it. They don’t want the Gay Games there. Their reasoning is that they don’t want to be exposed to people who promote an immoral lifestyle. Our kids must not see two women holding hands or two men kissing. Game organizers say that they need the lake because the city of Chicago can’t host that event. The city doesn’t have a lake. (Alright—let’s forget about the huge honking one they sit along side of.)

I was listening to Eileen Byrne on WLS and for a while she was talking about this issue. She made some interesting comments. She is against the Gay Games. Now I wouldn’t call her a homophobe because she comes at it from the perspective of where I think society should be. She doesn’t see sexuality as being something you should be discriminated or congratulated for. It is what it is, and so what? She asks, “Why do we have to have the Gay Games? Do we have straight games?” Why should there be separate games? Is a gay pole vaulter (couldn’t resist, sorry) somehow different than a straight one? We already know that there are gay athletes that participate in the Olympics. So why, other than to promote the “homosexual agenda,” are the gay games held? I appreciate her view. I really do. It’s all fine and good, but we don’t live in a society that has that view. I wish that sexual orientation wasn’t an issue but it is. Am I willing to admit that the gay games do promote an “agenda?” Sure, I have the balls to say that at least. I wouldn’t say that we are out to convert the heteros, or their children. I wouldn’t say that we are there to rub sexuality in their faces just because we can. I would say that we are there to send a message. We are here. We can do these things. We do have issues that concern us. I don’t see anything offensive about the promotion of homosexual rights or the display of the abilities of gay people. Besides, I find the concept of the Gay Games to be more family friendly than a pride parade.

So then we are back at the opponents’ argument that the Gay Games go against their “family values” and that they don’t want to be exposed to that. They don’t want to be unwilling recipients of a pro-homosexual message. Well, tough. I’m constantly being exposed to the anti-homosexual message. I can’t help but feel good about having the tables being turned. If they don’t like it, they can stay in their houses. Don’t go to Crystal Lake. Better yet, why not just plan for a vacation that week and get out of town (Like Jim). Go to Wyoming, because we all know that gay people don’t live there. Unfortunately, a vote can be taken to deny the game organizers the use of the lake. What can we do? *shrugs*

I wanted to throw in some observations by Roe Conn. (Hey, I was in bed the entire day… so yes, I’ve been listening to talk radio for hours on end.)

[talking to a lesbian footballer] Shouldn’t the gay guy be the receiver?

You’re not a “tight end” are ya?

Do they call flag football, flag football?

Oh it’s horrible, I know. I like Roe though. He probably has the best point of all: This is nothing but good news for the shop owners out there.

If the circumstances are right, I think that maybe I will take a day trip to Chicago and check it out. The games will be held July 15-22. Now, I got to find someone to see it with.

I can't be happy when I think you're wrong.

2006-03-08T16:18:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Sorry, I haven't got back. I haven't been feeling well enough to post but I have been around the blog neighborhood. The fact that I've been in bed for the past few days also hasn't prevented me from being involved in more drama. Out of respect, I can't blog about the details. But it has got me thinking on the subject of judgment.

As a gay person, I would hope that the friends, family, and people in general wouldn't be judgmental. Well, I wrote a letter to a friend who I feel is making unwise choices and told her so. Lately, things have just been getting worse and I couldn't tell her that I was happy with what was going on. I fear that she may have taken it to me that I am judging her. Well, there is truth to it and I fear that she's going throw that right back in my face because she claims that she doesn't judge me. But my sexuality and what she is doing is different. Then again, I keep thinking, maybe it isn't.

I called her last night to make sure that there wasn't any miscommunication between her and I. I ended up leaving a voice mail. I don't like it when friends get into a messes like this and I definitely hate it when I am in it too. So far, she hasn't bothered to respond. Well after half a year of the same treatment, why should I be surprised?

Just because I think she's making wrong choices doesn't mean that I don't love her or want what is best for her. How do you make a person understand that?

Let's pretend nothing happened.

2006-03-02T08:54:00.000-05:00

My sister has been home for a few days now. She is on her spring break from Western. I have never felt more distant from her than I do right now. We’ve barely said anything to one another. I don’t know what affect my coming out has done to us. It seems that it, along with her college life, has pulled us apart. A few weeks ago, I looked at her online blog. She doesn’t know that I read it. In it, she described how much of a pain I was to her during Christmas time. She described me as “angry” and that while she knew what my problem was, she didn’t excuse it. I never thought that I come off as “angry.” I can see where I am a nuisance or a pest because I know how to push her buttons just like she knows how to push mine. To other people though, we’re complete angels. But I took it as my clue to back off and I have. We haven’t talked since Christmas up until now.

Messing with the family dynamic is something that I desperately want to avoid. It is the sole reason why I’ve been staying in the closet. You know how there are families that are incredibly close? Big families that are emotional, yet bonded. They come together for big meals to spread the family news (err… gossip). While they may act crazy at some surprising news, they end up weathering it out. Well mine isn’t. I actually think of it as very fragile. We are not close. It’s that simple. We’re cool and distant. I hardly ever see my aunts or uncles. I haven’t really talked to my cousins in years. I remember my Dad saying, “I love you,” to me only twice. The last one sounding forced. My step mother, who I consider my full-fledged mother, has never said it. It’s not that we don’t love each other. It’s just that we are horribly retarded when it comes to expressing ourselves. At least, that’s what I always tell myself. My family is all that I have. If I loose them, I will be lost. And the way my parents act when it comes to homosexuals, it’s not encouraging.

A while ago I told Erin that I wished I could cut myself off from my family. Just leave and start a new life. As soon as I said it, I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe that I said that. These are my parents, my sister. They are all I’ve known and I can’t leave them. As much as they are keeping me back, I can’t go forward without them. So, I constantly torture myself as to what I should be doing, what risks I should be taking,--constantly ending up back at square one.

26

2006-02-26T16:10:00.000-05:00

One year ago, I came out to someone for the very first time. It was my friend, Sara. At the time, I considered her my closest friend. I thought that I could tell her and that of all the people that I knew, she would not have turned her back on me. I’d be lying if I said that my confidence in her was solid, though. Still, I got through it and the event itself was rather positive. I was glad that I told her. The next day, I also came out to my former mentor at State who had a much better understanding of what I was going through. Since it is an anniversary of sorts, I sent them both Thank-You cards in the mail. They should have arrived yesterday or will tomorrow. I felt that I needed to tell them how much I appreciated them for just listening to me. There have been so many people that have affected my life and I never did thank them for it. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t miss this one.

Since today is Sunday, I thought that I would go to church. I thought it might be good to have a little self-reflection. I know that it sounds odd that a gay guy would seek out some comfort in a church that preaches against homosexuality. Still, I can not deny that my faith in God is still a large part of my identity. I would also admit that I have been avoiding church as much as possible because while I’m there, I still carry on as if I was different. Shortly after coming out to Sara last year, I decided that I would no longer take communion. This decision was made because in order to take communion within the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod, you have to believe all of what the church teaches. As a person who now holds a different “confession” than the church, I am disqualified from participating in the Eucharist. This hasn’t gone unnoticed by my family of course. The first time I did it—it was rough. They asked why and I only gave them a partial answer. Even today, I could see the disappointment in their faces. Luckily, they no longer push me to tell them more.

Cry baby

2006-02-22T17:18:00.000-05:00

I generally try to avoid politics on this blog for the obvious reason but something happened yesterday. I got into a free speech argument with someone and I did not expect him to take the position that he did. I’m sure you are aware of the two pieces of news that have been going around the last couple weeks: the Danish Cartoons, and the writer who was imprisoned by Austria for denying the holocaust. Despite the Danish cartoonists and that writer being stupid, I saw these cases as free speech issues. The Danes and the writer had a right to say what they did. Of course, I say this with the American idea of free speech.

“If you live in Austria you have to respect their law, stupid or not. It’s that simple. If you don’t like it, you can leave.”

That is an absurd line of thought. A stupid law is a stupid law and should not be left on the books, much less be obeyed. Before Lawrence, were we supposed to not have sex just because there was a law on the books? Were blacks supposed to accept school segregation before Brown? Or what about women’s suffrage? Prohibition? Slavery? The Austrian law prohibits the denying of the holocaust. But that’s a censoring of political speech. It’s putting forth an idea. As much as I hate to use the slippery-slope argument, but if a legislature is allowed to censor one area of political speech (denial of the holocaust), what can stop them from censoring another (dissent to the party in power)?

In the end he said that the cartoonist and writer were both in the wrong because their speech was “dangerously provocative.” It invited violence. Clearly, he is right—the result of their publishing was violence. However, whatever happened to blaming the actual perpetrators of violence? The cartoonists didn’t tell the mobs to burn down embassies and kill westerners (as well as their own people). The writer didn’t tell Christians to start attacking Jews again.

It’s just crazy to me that we are being expected not to “offend” anybody.

I lost my temper.

2006-02-19T19:43:00.000-05:00

I’m feeling kind of bad right now. Things kind of got a little heated and I came close to outing myself. If I had, I think I would be more ashamed because I would have done it out of anger. Erin had called me and I talked with her while my parents were in the room. I wasn’t expecting to have a long conversation with her; otherwise I would have gone to my room for a more private conversation. I was invited to a dinner party for a mutual friend. Now, living in such a small community the five degrees of separation is even more apparent. It’s complicated, but at the dinner party will be a guy that I know from high school. I wouldn’t say we are friends but we know each other pretty well. He doesn’t know I am gay unlike most of the other people at the dinner party. I told Erin, “Well, I’m going to have to keep my mouth shut.” Meaning, I will have to closet myself there. To keep the conversation away from that, I told her that my parents were in the room. When the call was over, my Dad looked at me weird and we started to have a heated argument as to why I wouldn’t speak of something in their presence. Apparently they think that I go around talking shit about people and that their presence was why I wasn’t saying anything bad over the phone. My dad even said, “We haven’t raised you right.” I was pissed. Frankly, I think that they did a great job raising me. He kept on talking, making me feel small.

“Dad!” I interrupted. “You don’t know the whole story! There are things between my friends and I that I don’t want you to know about. I’m not going to talk about it with you guys here.” I yelled a little more and left the room.

Someone to watch for.

2006-02-18T12:09:00.000-05:00

Connor Trinneer will be on the upcoming episode of Stargate: Atlantis. Woo hoo!

Now I can dream about the good times with Enterprise...

Valentine’s Day Revisited

2006-02-16T15:49:00.000-05:00

Alright, I know that I am a couple days late for this but I just read an email and it prompted me to make this post. But I’ll get to that in a few. First thing I want to get off my chest is “VD.” Throughout my blog-hopping, I’ve been seeing the same thing over and over again—Happy VD! VD?! Maybe it’s just me but I really hate having to constantly remind myself that VD is a good thing. Because, oh, I don’t know, ever since sex ed., I’ve thought of VD as something you wanted to avoid. Use a condom. Ask for your partner’s history. Get tested. Blah, blah. So when someone said, “I hate VD,” I just nodded in agreement. After all, I hate venereal diseases too.

I’ve never had a girlfriend during Valentine’s and you could probably imagine that I’m a little bitter about the holiday. I’m not. I like Valentine’s Day. Okay, so I concede, maybe I hate it a little… but only because I don’t have anyone to share it with. But in general I like it because it gives me an excuse to do something nice. (Yes, it’s very uncharacteristic of me. Lol. Shut-up, B.) But if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to write about my own secret misery that accompanies this day.

I am aware of the real possibility that I will be alone for the rest of my life. Not alone as in I will be completely cut off socially, but alone in the way that I will not have that significant other. Even among the straights, there are people who will never find the right person. Because of who I am, the odds are…well, extreme. It’s not just being gay. But it’s being somewhat shy, a little geeky as well as dorky, and having a very traditional view of relationships. Take for instance, the idea of an open relationship. It’s something that I’ve seen other bloggers write about. You know, if it works for them, that’s all fine and good. Whatever, but it’s just not for me. Even the idea of dating, having sex, moving in, breaking up, and moving on within the time span of months is enough to make me uncomfortable. Believe me, I’m not trying to say that this is common behavior, but it’s just adding to my own worries, that there really isn’t a person for me out there. It’s not that I am expecting the perfect guy to come along, but it does appear that I am setting myself for a permanent table for one. I still have a ways to go before worrying about that though.

Anyways, the reason which prompted this post was that I sent out Valentine’s cards to some of my friends. Four of them: Erin, Season, Sara, and Renee. Remember in elementary where we passed out those cheap Valentine’s Day cards to everyone in class? I secretly liked it. I think we stopped in fifth grade and I haven’t done it since. But since my friends are single, (Well, Sara is arguable not, but that’s a whole different ball of wax.) I thought that I would send them one of those little cards just like we did in elementary along with a little note. Hopefully it would at least put a smile on their face. Well, I got something from one of them.

Just a little while ago, I checked my email. In the inbox was a message from Sara addressed to her friends. It was titled “Happy Valentine’s Day.” I opened it only to discover an adamant, “I hate Valentine’s Day.” It probably wasn’t in response to my own card, but I was heartily offended. I know, being single on this day sucks. Out of all five of us, however, she was the one who had least cause to complain. She’s got her boy toy. What the hell is she bitching about? I could go into a big tirade over it, but she kind of sapped the little joy I had in holiday.

No, I don’t hate the day. I don’t mope about wondering why I don’t have a boyfriend to share it with. I look it as a day where I can do a little something for the girl friends that I do have. ‘Cause us singles need to be reminded that having a partner isn’t something we need to kill ourselves over. The mere fact that you have friends is enough to appreciate, and you should show some love for them too.

I'm only a visitor. Please don't stare.

2006-02-15T13:32:00.000-05:00

Blogger just fucked me over. I had a nice post about my trip to State yesterday and it's all gone. And I'm too lazy to write all about it again.

Basically, I had a great time there. In addition to all the law school stuff, I saw some of my co-workers at the House of Reps and my friend Dusty.

From what I learned, I do have a shot of getting in to MSU Law. As someone had said before, it's going to be all about my LSAT score. I need to have it in the high 150's. 160 is where I want it to be if I hope to start getting assistance.

I'm not as afraid of going to law school. During the class visitations, the lectures seemed to be manageable. I even learned a couple things despite unknown terms being tossed left and right. So, this is looking more and more real. :)

The BSG termination Spoilers Possible

2006-02-11T11:10:00.000-05:00

Last night I watched the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics, but I never want to miss an episode of Battlestar Galactica. So I taped it and I have just finished watching it. --What the fuck? They killed off the character of Billy Keikeya, the assistant to President Roslin. Why am I pissed off?

First of all, this show has been killing off people left and right. At the rate they are killing each other, the Cylons only have to sit back and let the humans do all the dirty work.

Billy was one of those characters that I actually liked. All of the main characters have huge issues. Then there are those like Billy, Duala, and Tyrol which have a sense of normalcy--the kind of people that you would meet in the streets. I liked that.

Then there was the romance between Billy and Duala. They were the lone bubble of what the fleet was heading to. They were the hope and they ruined that. What was the point of shifting the positive perceptions of these two into negative ones? Both doing something stupid.

Also, Billy was the future. He was supposed to be the President of the Colonies. He was supposed to be the Joshua to Roslin's Moses.

What crap.

needless, but...

2006-02-11T11:03:00.000-05:00

I wouldn’t say that I’m a Will & Grace fan. The only two characters that I look forward to seeing is Jack and Karen. It’s funny, but there are only so many gay jokes I can take before I loose interest. Another thing, I suppose, is that I don’t identify with any of the characters unlike Crumbs—but the show sucks. But, I have been watching it for the past few weeks; enough to see the character of Taye Diggs become the love interest of Will. But the reason why this particular post came up was because Season was saying something about it at work today. She thinks he’s hot. I think not.

Aside from the smile, I think he looks a little distorted and…. Hmmm… modelish? Sure models, are hot and everything but honestly I don’t think I would really go for that kind of guy. No, I would definitely have gone for the cop. He looks so much more human as well as acting. His little awkwardness was endearing. This new guy seems too perfect. Too hot. And that just turns me off from him. Is it because of my own insecurities, my feelings of inadequacy? That certainly has something to do with it. I certainly don’t want to feel the need to compete. I want something that complements.

When I look at all the guys that I have had significant crushes over, they have all had something that I lacked. Heterosexuality seemed to be the dominant trait… but I digress. Honestly there have only been a few guys that I pined for and they couldn’t be more different from each other if they tried. So, I’m completely lost as to what kind of guy I should be looking out for. But to nip this post in the bud, I’m not going to worry about it right now. As I have said before, although I want a relationship, I am not ready for one. I can not offer someone what they deserve. The big part of that is truth. I’m trying to make the right decisions and doing it carefully because I am not out to hurt anyone. For at least a while, I am a mess that needs a little sorting out. Luckily I have a couple good friends that are guiding me on my way. For that, I am eternally thankful.

This post resembles nothing like it was intended for.

And… how did Grace get pregnant?

Just a little taste

2006-02-07T06:34:00.000-05:00

I got a message back from the MSU College of Law. I am scheduled to visit on the 14th! As soon as I got off the phone, I was jumping around like a monkey. I don't know why, it wasn't like I was accepted or anything. Still, I was majorly psyched.

My agenda for the day includes class visitations for Contracts and for Properties. I would have liked to do Constitutional Law, but that class was on a different day. However, since I am thinking about family law, it turned out well that I got those two classes. Then there is a tour of the college followed by a meeting with the Asst. Dean of Admissions. Busy busy from 10am till 4pm.

Where am I now?

2006-02-04T18:45:00.000-05:00

The one year anniversary of my private little meltdown and eventual coming out to the first person is coming up soon. The number 26 is still above my desk as I am writing this. It’s been there for almost a year, reminding me that I had to do what I did. One year later, am I at the place where I thought I'd be? Hell no. In fact, I’m still in the middle of the two places that I would be—still in the closet or completely out. It’s pretty much down to my family (minus my sister) who don’t know. Everyone else knows or is fair game. I’ve been giving some thought on taking up Erin’s offer to move in with her. I’ve pretty much come to the decision that I am not going to tell my parents—specifically my father. Quite frankly, I am afraid of what will happen to me and anyone else around when he finds out. Better have some place to go should I end up on my ass. So, there is sooner which would mean scraping by paycheck to paycheck with Erin. Then there is later which would allow me to go to law school but I would be looking another year and half before I can be myself. I don’t think I can last that long.

In a few weeks I will be sending out two cards for Sara and Moose. I want to show my appreciation for just listening to me and for everything they did afterwards. Throughout the year, people have come and gone. Some supportive. Some not. At least I could take something from each of those experiences—knowing who true friends were and how some people really felt about gays. In some ways, it’s a whole new world and in some ways it’s the same. I dunno, it’s like running on a track. I’m still running the same race; it’s just that I switched lanes. Does that make any sense?

I don’t know what this next year will be like. Maybe it will be better. Who knows? Small steps forwards—but at least forward moving.

What's this weird number on Caller ID?

2006-02-02T14:25:00.000-05:00

See also: John

Late last night I got a call from Lee. Lee is my friend from Korea (It's better in his book if you drop the "South"). He spent a semester or two at Michigan State but I didn't meet him there. I met him at the University of the Philippines Los Banos where he was spending a month with another mutual friend. Okay--it's complicated. Suficely to say, we hung out. My best times in the Philippines were with him and John (again, see that post.) Anyways, out of the blue, he calls me on my phone. Mind you, we haven't talked in two years and our last email was a good couple of months ago.

So I'm sitting there thinking, why the hell is he calling me. His phone bill is going to take a hit. Not really-- he was calling for work. Ah nice, Lee, you want to get fired don't you? I can't recall exactly who he works for. I want to say General Electric. It's got to be gruelling because he's at the office at 7am and definitely doesn't leave until after 5pm. But he's doing well. He told me that he was going back to the Philippines in a few weeks for his vacation. I told him that he should plan one for 2011, which is the earliest I can expect to be out there. Some other things were said, but it's not necessary to bring it up here.

That picture you see is when we went bar crawling one night. We went to this one called Miguel's which has karaoke with drag queens. Lee didn't quite get it and we had to explain the true nature of the person you see beside him. You should have seen his face. We hadn't met John by this time but we wanted to bring him there. Someone squealed and John refused to go. But as you can see, even Lee had a blast! I just wish I could have recorded a movie of his singing. LOL. (You've heard of William Hung right? Right.)

In a holding pattern

2006-02-01T13:04:00.000-05:00

Well, there's not much going on here. I'm still waiting on a few life-altering calls and emails. Otherwise, it's get up, eat, do whatever, go back to sleep, and do it all over again. But here's a few snippets:

If I join the LDS Church, I could save over $30,000 dollars in tuition! Evil reason to join... I know.

I was IM'd by one of my friends who I met when we were in the College Republicans. He was asking me what did I think of the State of the Union speech. I said that it's a good thing that I'm not watching, I would have to do too many shots! It's a bunch of boring fluff. Yeah, he wasn't impressed.

Are any of you readers on Facebook? I was going through a search through my high school to see who else from there was on. (I was looking for new people to add.) One girl there must absolutely hate me. She added everyone in my class, the class above, and the class below me. Not me though. It's because I didn't think that she would make a good town council woman. Most people that I've talked to feel the same way. It's just that I actually wrote about it and she found out.

I hear that we are in for a deep freeze here in the Mid-West. It's been so freakin' warm though! I love global warming.

Found out that a certain cute guy that I've been running into every now and then is straight. I'm telling you, God must've missed me when he was handing out the gaydar equipment.

Wow. Now that was a show.

2006-01-29T11:56:00.000-05:00

After months of waiting, Season and I finally got to see Wicked. It was great. I don’t think Season was impressed as she thought she would be but she said that she still liked it. I had a smile on my face throughout the whole thing (okay, minus some scenes) but bottom line, it was a blast.

I want to put a big spoiler sign on this post and tell you all about the thing but then you might not be tempted to go see it yourself. And if you have any inkling at all, go for it! It’s definitely worth the money. It’s funny and you’ll get to see the Wizard of Oz story with a whole new perspective and twist(er).

One problem: The seats in the Oriental Theatre are killer. If you taller than 6’, I’d recommend asking for an isle seat so you could move your legs around. No need to get an aneurism during a performance.

Going to Chicago to see this musical is remarkably easy. If at all possible, avoid driving into the city. Take a train. Season and I took the South Shore train departing from South Bend. 75cents to park at the airport 18hour lot, $18 for a Round Trip Weekend Excursion ticket. We got off the train only 2 blocks away from the theater and within walking distance of major attractions. Tickets should be bought well in advance of when you plan to go. We had to wait two months for an opening in the lower balcony—it’s that “popular.”